So as much as people don’t really like to admit these patterns – obsessions, loop cycles, addictions. We all have these in our lives to varying degrees and with regards to people, places and/or things.
This morning I discovered the root of my addictions and obsessions were not just due to lack of connection to self which I previously uncovered and addressed (this unfoldment led to a physical release of unconsciously holding my breath) but on a deeper level they were further held in being unheard and unseen.
I was triggered again last night and started to cry it was such a healthy release with an immense amount of confusion followed by a lightbulb moment! There it was! the thing that was putting me in a looped mind was the lack of response to the situation.
The situation was that in dream state I kept seeing the same man, he also comes up on my social media lots and my soul knows his yet in reality there is absolutely no mutual communication. So my mind and body were at war and I felt like I was going a little insane because of the “I can’t understand what’s going on and why I am feeling this way.” I also know that this sounds pretty strange but hey this is how the universe works, “In the most mysterious ways.”
I knew there was more to unfold so I surrendered to the universe and asked for clarity. I released the person who had been appearing in my life so very much. I energetically sent gratitude for showing me this situation in a simple way and I am so thankful that he had unintentionally triggered my buried feelings, patterns and subconscious secrets through confusion of my reality not appearing as my body was leading me to believe was my truth.
Please note that any time you are triggered it is never the fault of another and it is a gift to accept, integrate and possibly release past events and trauma.
As I woke this morning I was flooded with certain things that had been said to me in 2012-2013, things that in the past had really confused me. They were a confession plus denial yet an element of holding back information at the same time. I realised that not only was that confusing it had always been the answer to my situation that I hadn’t wanted to see.
In 2012 I had a brutal event that led to my awakening.
During particularly brutal life events, the mind reverts to back brain to protect you. This leaves the person unable to fully recall the event mentally or it can be fragmented, not in order nor making logical sense. I likened this to trying to build one jigsaw with a few pieces from several different puzzles. Also what I found is my body knew exactly what had happened and was in a constant state of fear, hyper arousal, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It did this to also alert me and protect me. The constant looping pattern that I had in my mind at this time was “What happened to me, I need to remember, who was it.” So basically my mind and body was at war plus the added conflict of the confused words being relayed to me sent me into a spiral of alcohol abuse as it was the only thing that allowed me to desensitize my body and mind. This way I could hide in the denial that nothing ever happened rather than facing the truth that ultimately was screaming right at me.
This morning I realised that the root to all this was the “not knowing, yet actually knowing.”
There are some things in life that mentally we cannot always deconstruct, make sense of yet our bodies have an innate knowing.
I know that something else happened to me as a child and this too is the core root of the mental conflict, the looped pattern, obsession whichever you wish to label it. I don’t need to know now though, the actual acknowledgement of where this stemmed from has released literally everything, I felt it! I held my body, my head and thanked it so very much for trying to speak to me, for helping me the best it could. I apologised for not knowing how to listen and then for hiding, denying my feelings and getting lost in a bottle of self-abuse and despair. I apologised for the self harm and mutilation I cast upon myself that I had used as a young adult to cope with the shame, blame, guilt and for being so “bad.” I was raped at 15 and didn’t tell anyone at the time (as I am writing this the core triggers came back to me, flooding my awareness). I remember these events and also being beaten several times previously, all these numbed out of reality. The core thought, belief looped pattern in this “Why do this when you tell me you love me?” and the conflicting story I told myself – it didn’t happen. My body held the memories, knew the truth and that’s where the conflict lies and the looped pattern/obsessions thoughts followed by the natural triggered response of self harm, denial and ultimately addiction. I held these parts, nurtured them and integrated each one back into my being with love and a promise of a safe home.
Today I feel so liberated, so very liberated! It all makes sense now and for the first time since I was a child my body is not tense, defensive or in a state of unconscious terror.
I am mentally and physically free!
I am so eternally grateful for this!
Much gratitude given to my body, mind and soul for never giving up on me. Thank you universe for the answers you have revealed at the exact right time. Pure forgiveness, love and gratitude sent to the situations and those people involved. Today I am so grateful for experiences which have ultimately led to wisdom, unconditional love and the coming home to self. I was never broken nor lost, all I ever needed was my full love and acknowledgement.
Written with love and hope that this too can help another.