You’ve hidden the traumas, repressed your feelings and emotions. Denied your pain, dissociated from your reality, escaped through addiction and separated from yourself and all. Reality strikes, it’s a very long, complicated journey home.
Just when you feel you’ve got somewhere after years of deep change, through so many ways of listening to your body, your intuition, break ups, breakthroughs, self hate, self love, overcoming chronic health conditions, not seeking to escape and seeing the light in the dark and the colours inbetween.
Life is not going to become a magic carpet ride with rainbows, fluffy clouds and dancing unicorns.
When you’ve repressed so much it takes a lot to break you open, to crack down the walls, to expose the stomach riddled shame, the blame, the guilt, the deep crushing unworthiness and the projections/assaults of integrity you took on as your own because you thought you were damaged, evil, bad, ugly, crazy. Finding that it’s forgiving yourself that’s the most intensively, raw, radical gift yet so difficult to accept, to do, to be.
It’s not just trauma, pain, toxins, destruction held in the mind but also held so very deeply in the body. Through the organs, tissues, cells. There are no quick fixes, it’s painful, frustrating and irritating but there is however vast amounts of wisdom, humbling gratitude and radical love and compassion to be found. There’s creativity bursting through the inspiration of the cycles.
Life brings on more events not to punish you but to break free the repressed life, the hidden sensations, the barriers, the blocks, the walls. To free the pain, to melt the numbness, to crack your heart open and expose the hidden powerlessness. The victim, the perpetrator, the child, the teen, the broken adult that once was and the powerful, unwavering light that now is.
Allowing you to take ownership, to allow for all and breathe into the life, breathe into the vulnerability, the sensations. The deep, dark, driven depth of all that we unconsciously created to avoid this very moment where our world feels like it’s crumbling into a pit of despair.
Only to breakthrough the illusion on your quivering, lifeless, weak knees to realise in having nothing we have everything. In losing everything we find all. In this darkness there has to be light.
Today may feel like death. Your world may be upside down, you may feel so alone. You may have regrets, feel you could have done more.
Dear one place your hands on your heart and feel your heart beat, feel the breath; cool – warm, cool – warm, cradle your arms around your quivering body and look how you’ve not escaped this time, feel that deep love and acceptance, the worth that you are and always have been.
You’re here alone yet never alone, held by all. You didn’t abandon yourself, did you! That’s true strength and power.
Knowing that today may feel like death. Endings, raw nerves piercing through your bare, fragile skin. Allow for this but know at some point soon death brings fresh life, your story is not over, it’s just begun.
Observe how alive you are in this moment, no judgements good nor bad just an experience, one of many. Filled with colour, so very many colours, lessons, aliveness.
This is life.
Life bursting through the seams.