ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma



I understand as I have been each and all in this game of life.

I’ve worn the t-shirt, held a knife.

The blade held upon my arm, to torture myself to cause harm.

The shame, the blame, the guilt, the fear.

I couldn’t love I wore destruction, poured tears.

I wanted to die, I projected pain, I cheated, I lied.

I was Mans Mother’s biggest fear.

I seduced and manipulated, hid the proof.

Worthlessness, pain, the hidden truth.

A victim of torture for most of my life.

Yet also the perpetrator, in this game called life.

So when you look at my light and say, “She’s so bright.”

It’s because I’ve known pain, since childhood.

It birthed my light.

It’s so easy for us to acknowledge the light we hold but today I really want to explore my darkness, I feel it’s time for radical honesty, truth.

In my life I have really been extremely co-dependant, love addicted, obsessed to a point – always wanting what I couldn’t have, it became a challenge. This was to try and hide from my pain, you see when you put your life in the hands of another you don’t really have to take ownership do you. I wasn’t consciously aware of this at the time but I am now. In this co-dependency there had always been so much manipulation to get my own way, to hide from the truth and to deny seeking love elsewhere when the voids weren’t filled any longer.

In my life I have projected pain onto others, lashing out, judging, gossiping, at times quite venomous and apathetic. The constant arguments, the drink fuelled nights to try and numb myself so I didn’t have to truly feel or face reality.

I stayed in extremely unhealthy relationships as I feared being alone, scared to face all I had been told and shown which was that I was not enough, unlovable, thick, fat, bad.

In my life I have been a victim I have been bullied, beaten, raped, used, judged, objectified. I have been punished for things I didn’t do. I have been lied to, denied my truth, left to die. I handed my power and worth over like it didn’t mean a thing because that to me was love.

Long gone are these days but the imprint is still visible, until I speak my truth.

I raped myself through not knowing how to love myself, to be myself, to honour myself.

I take full responsibility for all.

As I merge my shadow and light, my masculine and feminine, I notice that all I was flashes before me. I see it in others, yet I the mirror, the amplifier. I don’t react or judge as I too have been each and all, I do however speak my truth.

It takes a strong person to accept an honest person, someone who isn’t afraid to speak their truth, to say no, to not agree with what is said and be respectful back.

It takes a strong person to admit their faults, their self hatred and uproot all of their wounds. Knowing they will be judged, seen as crazy, unhinged, mentally ill.

It takes a warrior to be naked, raw, vulnerable, to lay bare in the deepest darkness to heal, breathe, live and truly love.

Let us all be strong, let us all be warriors.

For in the darkness, there is pure light.

Through judgement there is understanding.

Through self hate there is the deepest love.

Through honesty, you find truth, respect and worth.

It takes strength to stand in your power and be accountable.

I see I was both victim and perpetrator and everything in-between.

Today I am truth, I won’t deny myself any longer.

I accept all of me.

I’m not perfect, never will be.

I won’t lose myself again.

I shan’t deny myself.

Of this I promise myself.

I just fall deeper and deeper into self love.

Accepting all of me.

A flower opening, to see the sun.


Trauma – A blessing; Return to wonder and wholeness.

Here she is!

When I was born into this beautiful world, I was created in the eye of perfection. A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness. Captivated by all I encounter. Every sense stimulated, engaged, such wonder and excitement.

As time passed these wonders deteriorated, diminished. The senses lost their original edge at some point in time becoming over and under stimulated. Each word, opinion, view, belief held within the body and mind. Each experience altering our natural states of existence. Each relationship paving the way for the next; lessons to be uncovered, or avoided. The good, the bad and the ugly. Truths exposed within and without. A way of making or breaking you, strengthening you, uniting you or separating you further. Things that once seemed such fun and exciting now fill you with apprehension, doubt, fear and dread. The nurturing yet clouded love of another shaping your current and future reality. Do they intentionally impose their way of being onto you. Do they pass on their beliefs, coping, avoidance, ideals and rules to harm you, to punish you? Of course they only know what they too were taught as once upon a time they too were, “A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness.”

As I exploded into this world I wasn’t looking at my weight, my shape, my cellulite, my deficits, your deficits or debating which goals I should set so I could pull myself to pieces to achieve or unconsciously sabotage my progress. No these most definitely were not apparent within my little, cute existence of babydom.

Years pass by, the trauma, the terror, the torture, the pain – Ravage my body, my mind, my senses, my inner and outer universe. Senses so hyperaroused that I fear the slightest thing that enhances them, fearing myself and life itself and all that is. I conclude that there is something seriously wrong with me, there must be, I’ve been told this the entirety of my existence thus far. I find ways to torture myself, to numb the pain, to deny, to reject, to hide, to deceive not only in the face of another but within myself. I am so coherent, passive yet at times so very reactive. I found myself doing all I could to please another, to hide this ugliness that I am, this evil person birthed into this world. Trying to control anything that’s safe to do so, to minimise triggers, pain and explosive behaviours.

Trauma, more trauma, countless traumas, always me, why me? I must deserve this! Boom! My body screams no more, no more it shuts down I feel the switch from hyper arousal to hypo arousal, my body screams in a voice unheard but definitely felt. The collapse of my body systems, senses, emotions. Ravaged by it’s own protective mechanisms, the hormones like poison to the vessel and all its components. The numbness, the nothingness, the exhaustion, the shell of a body that can even function enough to move a finger. How could life do this to me? “The victimhood.”

The comeback, the rise! As I observe I am non reactive, a thought pattern concurs; What if I unlearn all I have ever been taught, everything I have developed to cope, learn to slow down and learn to love myself.

Life does not punish us, we punish ourselves! Feel into that “We punish ourselves.” How does that feel. I know that my life has displayed the law of cause and effect perfectly, at it’s finest I’d say.

As I reflect and observe upon each trauma, I see my truth, my reality. I see the multitude of gifts they brought into my life. I see the beauty of the cycle of life, the wheel, the seasons, death, rebirth, the lessons, the growth, the despair the fun, the colour, “The experience.”

As I lay here, a naked soul.
Unconcerned by;
The reality of another.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I am a little bundle of joy, love and light.
Captivated by all.
Senses stimulated, engaged.
Such wonder, excitement,
Illumination, depth.
I smile.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I love myself – unique, perfectly imperfect.
At this moment not only am I reborn,
I am love without condition.