I had to basically get real with myself and realise that I’d been still holding onto things that were hurting me; patterns, rejection, fear. The push and pull of self through confusion, frustration plus rejecting parts of my past and my desires.
I was still comparing myself as I kept seeing meme’s of things like; stop holding onto your past, your holding yourself back, you’re the reason your business isn’t working. All a mirror of unconscious beliefs from long, long ago.
I was still feeling pretty much invisible or if visible seen by some for the wrong reasons. Anything I have desired in a couple of areas in my life seems to be a one sided blind failure and I couldn’t understand why.
However I knew that these were my greatest teachers and I brought them all into my life, I take full responsibility. Although I love life and all its experiences, I get frustrated at times and I realised that this is so ok, it doesn’t mean I’m handing my power away or I’m a martyr. I’m just human, I feel all and to allow myself to fall deeper into self love and compassion rather than judgement. I’ve chronically repressed my feelings for so long it was never going to be a quick fix and there is no rush, the journey back home is so very beautiful, even in the devastation but I’ve got to be honest it’s truly so very difficult at times.
I was feeling into the word depression as my past felt like a lead weight.
De (down) pressed (pushed) which to me felt like buried – buried aliveness and I suppose all those years back that’s what I did. I buried my aliveness in all ways as no matter what my response was, it was always wrong.
Reflecting on this further I used to think it was awesome that I was so adaptable, a shapeshifter but I realise now I was trying to fit in, I had no self identity, respect or realisation.
This buried aliveness broke me open yesterday, it has a few times of late but this time was different. I lay on the floor screaming, howling, in so much pain, so alive yet so exhausted by it all. I spoke to myself in love, I accepted all of me, I weren’t going to hurt myself with judgement this time. I felt like giving up, I allowed myself to be pissed off by it all, angry, frustrated and that’s where the magic happened.
I didn’t torture myself for feeling the depth of all my feelings and thoughts, I had repressed this all of my life, no wonder I couldn’t ever feel joy without being hit with a deep dullness, ache. I now realise it’s all the times I’d been labelled, it all came flooding back, “Drama queen, bet she’s made it up, cry baby, you’re so sensitive, can’t you take a joke, attention seeker, always about you, think of your kids, people have it so much worse than you, nobody wants you so do us a favour and go somewhere else.”
I was secretly, subconsciously living in fear of showing that I was seriously pissed off, angry, hurt, rejected and yes I’ve got to admit I had a bit of “why me” and it felt like a bloody good release. I never even noticed I had been holding this in because it was so old, I feel like I’ve lost 2 stone of tension in the space of a few days.
This week I have really stepped up my self love, acceptance, surrender and took more time out for myself. I’ve been make up free for many days which was a fear as I used to be heavily ridiculed.
I’ve been holding/hugging myself for weeks now building more connection. Lying in the silence to observe my body, breathing and any tension noticing that each time my mind would flicker onto something it was alerting me to some body sensation that had gone unnoticed previously. My body has become like butter I didn’t realise all the tension, trauma and fear I was still holding onto.
I’ve really sat down and felt into how much life, trauma, mirrors, animals have taught me over the past year, I’m so grateful because ultimately it’s all made me so strong and stripped me into authentic, naked, vulnerability – my truth.
My disconnection to self has allowed deeper connection not only to myself but others too and a deeper compassion all of which has manifested in me having really healthy relationships. I’ve been listening more and I realise that the answers lie in listening rather than talking all the time (this will be a relief for many).
At this present moment in time I have no idea where I am going next, what I am going to do, I don’t even really know who I am and once again with shifting so much and changing so many patterns, many friends and I have vibrationally slipped away.
I truly am loving getting to know myself on a much deeper level and in this getting to know others on a much deeper level too.
Truth is you never know how much you’re holding onto until you decide to release control, that’s what I’ve found anyway.
This journey truly teaches you to become bare, true, authentic and kind. It may be hard at times but it’s so very worth it to just see myself and others and see both sides without judgement. To create from a place of inspiration saying yes to all I love and no to all that’s not a huge yes!
I don’t smile all the time and I don’t have to. This is me raw, naked, messy and real.