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Not a caterpillar nor a butterfly – Lost in transition.

Who am I? Why am I blocked? I can’t move forward, what’s going on?

Not many people mention about that stale period, the one between certain life areas ending and your new beginnings. The transition period where you feel like you’re energetically shackled to an air of nothingness. Sinking deeper into the sludge, doubting and questioning literally every area of your life. Wondering what on earth is going on! “Why have all of my plans become stagnant and who am I now?” Why is this happening when I’ve literally put so much effort and work into my life, the world’s against me, I’m never good enough, it’s not fair. If you’re not consciously aware, you can easily slip into “why me” mode. Knowing that you’ve been letting go of the safety, the familiarity; to thrive, rise and move forward into your highest light but wondering why you feel like you’ve gone off path somehow. Don’t clutch at straws, don’t re-route. Rest, integrate and enjoy sinking your teeth into this meaty offering during this period of time. Always remember, life happens for you not to you!

Look what is being shown to you, feel the uncomfortable sensations, thoughts, loop patterns, darkness and send each one of them love and understanding. Realistically you’re being given a lifeline to address deep rooted fears, beliefs and hidden patterns that prevent you from moving forward into a bigger, bolder reality than you could ever imagine. Sit in the darkness, feel it, love it, embrace it. Know that wherever you are, is exactly where you need to be at this moment in time! You are perfect, perfectly imperfect and through an unclear lens you’ll eventually see that all you needed to know, be and do was here all along.

Wait for the alignment, it’s where true miracles occur.

Drowning in transition.

Waiting for a sign,
a sign that I don’t see.
A sign of how to move forward.
A sign of I to we.
The silence is so deafening.
Frustration, a heavy blow,
to my peace of mind.
Who am I now,
where do I go,
I really just don’t know.
I’ll sit here in the silence.
See what comes to mind.
What is my purpose?
What do I love?
I just can’t seem to find.
I move from head to heart.
Just then I start to see.
A flicker of light.
Put pen to paper,
My path is clear to see.

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This beautiful experience called life.

Wow these energies of late, I could have been shaken or resorted to old patterns of behaviour the past few days as life has re-introduced some events but they’ve been dressed up a little differently. Today I journaled my life from a beautiful perspective, I hope it inspires you to feel something.

I breathe in the energy of love, wonder and joy.
Observing the miracles within and without.
Just how did I get here?
How, when physically, mentally and emotionally torn apart
have I become so whole?
When I have faced conflict, projection, persecution and brutality,
How is it that I love so very deeply?
How is it that I trust myself implicitly?
When I have been conditioned to believe that I am not enough.
Observing the miracles within and without.
The extremes of life sent to empty us, to free us, to re-route us.
For every horrendous act placed upon me has taught me
softening, releasing, letting go.
It has shown me how to develop the deepest, purest love for self
and another, that beauty I can’t even try to describe.
The pain, the shame, the blame has taught me strength, endurance,
self worth, self respect and to walk away with my held high
from anything that tries to compromise this.
If someone does not like me, I see, I feel, I know,
this is not a reflection of me but a deep pain held within themselves.
I send love, I let go and continue on my path.
For all the pain I have endured, the traumas, the self hate, destruction;
I have gained so much space that’s now filled with beautiful friends,
healthy relationships, wisdom, a love of self, passion, creativity,
health, a higher perspective, forgiveness, compassion, ownership, skills,
an abundance of beauty within, without and all around.
We can truly bless our lives by being so very grateful for all we have
in each given moment.
Whatever situation you face, no matter how difficult there is always;
Lessons, blessings, wisdom, growth and miracles.
Hold it, taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it and bathe in it’s beauty!
These moments provide breakthroughs,
these moments shed the old skin
to reveal your true nature and identity,
one that you are so in tune with.
This is your truth, this is;
“YOUR SOUL IN FLESH FORM.”

 

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Do you see me yet?

I woke up this morning overwhelmed by feelings of judgement, defensiveness, helplessness, unworthiness and the emptiness that stems from deep depths of the dreaded inner void. I quickly realised this was a trauma, an event, something ready to be released. What exactly were my dreams trying to tell me last night about my childhood and the patterns that have followed on from this? As I lay there in bed, I placed my hands on my heart and asked myself this very question, “What is ready to be acknowledged and what are these feelings showing me?”

DO YOU SEE ME YET?

I’m twirling, I’m whirling,
I sing and I dance, I’m beaming a smile.
Look Mummy, Daddy, look!
Mummy, Daddy, please look!
I’m studying, I’m learning,
I’m acing theses tests.
Look Mum and Dad, please look!
Do you see me yet?
I’m exercising, I’m dieting,
I’m too fat, I’m not thin.
I find comfort in boys,
there’s no love within.
Do you see me yet?
I’m being bullied and beat, I can’t stand on my feet,
I’ve been raped and abused and totally used,
I need you, I need you!
Please can I see you yet?
I’m depressed, so low,
drink a bottle as I go, self harming,
more traumas, so used and abused.
I look at my reflection, I’m far from amused.
The reflection I see, who is this? Not me!
Who am I? Who is this I see?
Do you see me yet?
At the pit of defeat, I rise to my feet,
Should I stay or go,
One more try and I’ll know.
The warrior returns, she walks and she burns,
the layers of fear, the addictions that lived here.
The self hate and the shame,
the torment and the blame,
no longer reside as I’m on my own side.
As I look in the mirror, there’s a beauty I see,
I’m taken aback,
WOW that’s me!
Still you don’t see me yet!

Even though I had conquered the shame, blame, guilt, projection, pain, self hate, co-dependency, addictions, obsessions, bad relationships and the need to hold on to people to my own detriment, I knew something hadn’t cleared. I knew not being seen, heard or feeling supported and loved was the root cause of my pain, it had been obvious for some time and the denial from people who had hurt me really did not help. The inner void had cleared to due to discovering myself, nurturing myself and building on the love of self which I had worked so hard to embrace and connect to but still something. My mind wandered to this;

Yesterday I read a quote by Gabor Mate.

“As a rule whatever we don’t deal with in our lives, we pass on to our children. Our unfinished emotional business becomes theirs. As a therapist said to me.

” Children swim in their parents unconscious like fish swim in their sea.”

It became so very clear! I hadn’t forgiven myself for my mistakes, my self judgement and self harm or truly acknowledged just how far I had come. In that forgiveness of self I realised I too had forgiven my parents and those who had abused me, they didn’t mean to hurt me, they were blissfully unaware of their impact as this was not how they viewed my life as they too were hurting. I also realised I didn’t need validation from anyone other than myself and that this is my truth, my raw naked, vulnerable truth and in that moment I felt so liberated, so free. The emotions and the lack dissolved and I was embraced with pure love and ready to discover the next layer in the unfoldment of the rose.