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Manifesting your reality – Wow I’ve manifested my dream career (from last year).

Manifesting really does work!

I started to consciously manifest mid 2017 and I was told to “Start off small,” (the words which came back haunt my existence). I had so many dreams, plans and ideas all of which I definitely wanted in my life and I was so going to get them. Every new moon I’d write what I desired, I was so terribly excited. I create a vision board every 6 months (I still do this), I would feel into the dreams I had planned several times, I would watch motivational videos and all was well in my world.

I started to see results! Yippee!

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Don’t get me wrong I have manifested some remarkable things into my life but I have also manifested a career based upon who I was and not who I truly am, a multitude of opportunities that were not aligned with my values and financial freedom.

YES financial freedom, you read that right! Financial freedom = To be financially free – free of finances, as in I had manifested having no money. Also being so consciously aware I couldn’t help but laugh as I knew I had done it when my lightbulb blew my vision and mind.

So here are a few tips;

☆ Start small.
☆ Meditate before you manifest
☆ If your mind isn’t clear your vision won’t be either.
☆ Your dream job may not be your dream job in the future especially if you are going through multiple shifts.
☆ Manifest from passion not desire/lack.
☆ Choose your wording carefully.
☆ Do not keep changing your mind.
☆ Keep it simple and specific.
☆ If you are healing and/or working on de-conditioning, allow yourself time to heal before manifesting business (BUSYness) in.
☆ Be extremely clear in what you want.
☆ Ask for kind, loving, smooth transitions.
☆ Like attracts like! If you are not in your power and a place of unconditional love be very careful manifesting any romantic relationships in.

So many lessons learned!

This period of my life has created so very many lessons, wisdom and a huge amount of gratitude for what I do have in life. I believe that there is wisdom in all, everything truly happens for a reason and it is so important to take accountability for everything that has happened for us by us! For we are the creators!

Stuck in this space.
I wish to scream.
My eyes so bloodshot.
My aura green.
Those dreams I had.
The plans I made.
The foundations laid.
All options played.
My mind so dense.
My thoughts bemused.
A year later.
My dreams came true.
Yet no longer were they aligned.
Now my creativity lost and confined.
Where shall I go from this manifested space.
I don’t wish to be the role I made.
I’ve stripped those layers.
I’m fresh, naked and new.
What creations can now be birthed?
For I’ll start anew.

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Trauma – A blessing; Return to wonder and wholeness.

Here she is!

When I was born into this beautiful world, I was created in the eye of perfection. A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness. Captivated by all I encounter. Every sense stimulated, engaged, such wonder and excitement.

As time passed these wonders deteriorated, diminished. The senses lost their original edge at some point in time becoming over and under stimulated. Each word, opinion, view, belief held within the body and mind. Each experience altering our natural states of existence. Each relationship paving the way for the next; lessons to be uncovered, or avoided. The good, the bad and the ugly. Truths exposed within and without. A way of making or breaking you, strengthening you, uniting you or separating you further. Things that once seemed such fun and exciting now fill you with apprehension, doubt, fear and dread. The nurturing yet clouded love of another shaping your current and future reality. Do they intentionally impose their way of being onto you. Do they pass on their beliefs, coping, avoidance, ideals and rules to harm you, to punish you? Of course they only know what they too were taught as once upon a time they too were, “A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness.”

As I exploded into this world I wasn’t looking at my weight, my shape, my cellulite, my deficits, your deficits or debating which goals I should set so I could pull myself to pieces to achieve or unconsciously sabotage my progress. No these most definitely were not apparent within my little, cute existence of babydom.

Years pass by, the trauma, the terror, the torture, the pain – Ravage my body, my mind, my senses, my inner and outer universe. Senses so hyperaroused that I fear the slightest thing that enhances them, fearing myself and life itself and all that is. I conclude that there is something seriously wrong with me, there must be, I’ve been told this the entirety of my existence thus far. I find ways to torture myself, to numb the pain, to deny, to reject, to hide, to deceive not only in the face of another but within myself. I am so coherent, passive yet at times so very reactive. I found myself doing all I could to please another, to hide this ugliness that I am, this evil person birthed into this world. Trying to control anything that’s safe to do so, to minimise triggers, pain and explosive behaviours.

Trauma, more trauma, countless traumas, always me, why me? I must deserve this! Boom! My body screams no more, no more it shuts down I feel the switch from hyper arousal to hypo arousal, my body screams in a voice unheard but definitely felt. The collapse of my body systems, senses, emotions. Ravaged by it’s own protective mechanisms, the hormones like poison to the vessel and all its components. The numbness, the nothingness, the exhaustion, the shell of a body that can even function enough to move a finger. How could life do this to me? “The victimhood.”

The comeback, the rise! As I observe I am non reactive, a thought pattern concurs; What if I unlearn all I have ever been taught, everything I have developed to cope, learn to slow down and learn to love myself.

Life does not punish us, we punish ourselves! Feel into that “We punish ourselves.” How does that feel. I know that my life has displayed the law of cause and effect perfectly, at it’s finest I’d say.

As I reflect and observe upon each trauma, I see my truth, my reality. I see the multitude of gifts they brought into my life. I see the beauty of the cycle of life, the wheel, the seasons, death, rebirth, the lessons, the growth, the despair the fun, the colour, “The experience.”

As I lay here, a naked soul.
Unconcerned by;
Perception.
Reflection.
Yesterday.
Tomorrow.
The reality of another.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I am a little bundle of joy, love and light.
Captivated by all.
Senses stimulated, engaged.
Such wonder, excitement,
Illumination, depth.
I smile.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I love myself – unique, perfectly imperfect.
At this moment not only am I reborn,
I am love without condition.

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Passion and joy are found in the deep, darkness of our cores – Contemporary dance is my liberation, my therapy.

The power of dance is beyond the limits of my mind, when I dance my heart takes the lead. My whole body ready to venture into the depths of each moment of my life; The smiles, success, beauty, loss, tragedy’s, traumas and terrors. Deep into an abyss of the unknown. The memories held and repressed within the imprint of each cell, each individual part, my whole being in its entirety. My ears absorb the depths of the frequency, the delicious vibrations that are sound, as the music envelops each molecule in the room, I venture into another world.
I lose myself yet find myself simultaneously.

This is magic, pure magic, alchemised into something that words could never elucidate. In that very moment where my body is driven by my soul, I am burrowing through my deepest fears, freedom is found, I am unbound, lost in the love of unbridled despair. Transmuted, transformed into an unchoreographed masterpiece of movements, fused with both darkness and light. Constriction, explosions, rhythm, love and flow. I feel, touch, taste, sense, smell it, I am it. This feeling I cannot view with my eyes but those who watch can.

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To be open, lay bare.
To be vulnerable, not a care.
I move my body from within.
I dance with passion from herein.
I take the time to explore my world.
No fear of judgement.
I’m here, I’m bare.
Some say I’m strange.
I just don’t belong.
I say I’m strong.
I know who I am.
I dance to my own song.

We are not born to be small, quiet and repressed within a society of beautiful clones. I chose to live, love, create, to be unique and most definitely make you FEEL something.

 

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Not a caterpillar nor a butterfly – Lost in transition.

Who am I? Why am I blocked? I can’t move forward, what’s going on?

Not many people mention about that stale period, the one between certain life areas ending and your new beginnings. The transition period where you feel like you’re energetically shackled to an air of nothingness. Sinking deeper into the sludge, doubting and questioning literally every area of your life. Wondering what on earth is going on! “Why have all of my plans become stagnant and who am I now?” Why is this happening when I’ve literally put so much effort and work into my life, the world’s against me, I’m never good enough, it’s not fair. If you’re not consciously aware, you can easily slip into “why me” mode. Knowing that you’ve been letting go of the safety, the familiarity; to thrive, rise and move forward into your highest light but wondering why you feel like you’ve gone off path somehow. Don’t clutch at straws, don’t re-route. Rest, integrate and enjoy sinking your teeth into this meaty offering during this period of time. Always remember, life happens for you not to you!

Look what is being shown to you, feel the uncomfortable sensations, thoughts, loop patterns, darkness and send each one of them love and understanding. Realistically you’re being given a lifeline to address deep rooted fears, beliefs and hidden patterns that prevent you from moving forward into a bigger, bolder reality than you could ever imagine. Sit in the darkness, feel it, love it, embrace it. Know that wherever you are, is exactly where you need to be at this moment in time! You are perfect, perfectly imperfect and through an unclear lens you’ll eventually see that all you needed to know, be and do was here all along.

Wait for the alignment, it’s where true miracles occur.

Drowning in transition.

Waiting for a sign,
a sign that I don’t see.
A sign of how to move forward.
A sign of I to we.
The silence is so deafening.
Frustration, a heavy blow,
to my peace of mind.
Who am I now,
where do I go,
I really just don’t know.
I’ll sit here in the silence.
See what comes to mind.
What is my purpose?
What do I love?
I just can’t seem to find.
I move from head to heart.
Just then I start to see.
A flicker of light.
Put pen to paper,
My path is clear to see.

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This beautiful experience called life.

Wow these energies of late, I could have been shaken or resorted to old patterns of behaviour the past few days as life has re-introduced some events but they’ve been dressed up a little differently. Today I journaled my life from a beautiful perspective, I hope it inspires you to feel something.

I breathe in the energy of love, wonder and joy.
Observing the miracles within and without.
Just how did I get here?
How, when physically, mentally and emotionally torn apart
have I become so whole?
When I have faced conflict, projection, persecution and brutality,
How is it that I love so very deeply?
How is it that I trust myself implicitly?
When I have been conditioned to believe that I am not enough.
Observing the miracles within and without.
The extremes of life sent to empty us, to free us, to re-route us.
For every horrendous act placed upon me has taught me
softening, releasing, letting go.
It has shown me how to develop the deepest, purest love for self
and another, that beauty I can’t even try to describe.
The pain, the shame, the blame has taught me strength, endurance,
self worth, self respect and to walk away with my held high
from anything that tries to compromise this.
If someone does not like me, I see, I feel, I know,
this is not a reflection of me but a deep pain held within themselves.
I send love, I let go and continue on my path.
For all the pain I have endured, the traumas, the self hate, destruction;
I have gained so much space that’s now filled with beautiful friends,
healthy relationships, wisdom, a love of self, passion, creativity,
health, a higher perspective, forgiveness, compassion, ownership, skills,
an abundance of beauty within, without and all around.
We can truly bless our lives by being so very grateful for all we have
in each given moment.
Whatever situation you face, no matter how difficult there is always;
Lessons, blessings, wisdom, growth and miracles.
Hold it, taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it and bathe in it’s beauty!
These moments provide breakthroughs,
these moments shed the old skin
to reveal your true nature and identity,
one that you are so in tune with.
This is your truth, this is;
“YOUR SOUL IN FLESH FORM.”

 

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Do you see me yet?

I woke up this morning overwhelmed by feelings of judgement, defensiveness, helplessness, unworthiness and the emptiness that stems from deep depths of the dreaded inner void. I quickly realised this was a trauma, an event, something ready to be released. What exactly were my dreams trying to tell me last night about my childhood and the patterns that have followed on from this? As I lay there in bed, I placed my hands on my heart and asked myself this very question, “What is ready to be acknowledged and what are these feelings showing me?”

DO YOU SEE ME YET?

I’m twirling, I’m whirling,
I sing and I dance, I’m beaming a smile.
Look Mummy, Daddy, look!
Mummy, Daddy, please look!
I’m studying, I’m learning,
I’m acing theses tests.
Look Mum and Dad, please look!
Do you see me yet?
I’m exercising, I’m dieting,
I’m too fat, I’m not thin.
I find comfort in boys,
there’s no love within.
Do you see me yet?
I’m being bullied and beat, I can’t stand on my feet,
I’ve been raped and abused and totally used,
I need you, I need you!
Please can I see you yet?
I’m depressed, so low,
drink a bottle as I go, self harming,
more traumas, so used and abused.
I look at my reflection, I’m far from amused.
The reflection I see, who is this? Not me!
Who am I? Who is this I see?
Do you see me yet?
At the pit of defeat, I rise to my feet,
Should I stay or go,
One more try and I’ll know.
The warrior returns, she walks and she burns,
the layers of fear, the addictions that lived here.
The self hate and the shame,
the torment and the blame,
no longer reside as I’m on my own side.
As I look in the mirror, there’s a beauty I see,
I’m taken aback,
WOW that’s me!
Still you don’t see me yet!

Even though I had conquered the shame, blame, guilt, projection, pain, self hate, co-dependency, addictions, obsessions, bad relationships and the need to hold on to people to my own detriment, I knew something hadn’t cleared. I knew not being seen, heard or feeling supported and loved was the root cause of my pain, it had been obvious for some time and the denial from people who had hurt me really did not help. The inner void had cleared to due to discovering myself, nurturing myself and building on the love of self which I had worked so hard to embrace and connect to but still something. My mind wandered to this;

Yesterday I read a quote by Gabor Mate.

“As a rule whatever we don’t deal with in our lives, we pass on to our children. Our unfinished emotional business becomes theirs. As a therapist said to me.

” Children swim in their parents unconscious like fish swim in their sea.”

It became so very clear! I hadn’t forgiven myself for my mistakes, my self judgement and self harm or truly acknowledged just how far I had come. In that forgiveness of self I realised I too had forgiven my parents and those who had abused me, they didn’t mean to hurt me, they were blissfully unaware of their impact as this was not how they viewed my life as they too were hurting. I also realised I didn’t need validation from anyone other than myself and that this is my truth, my raw naked, vulnerable truth and in that moment I felt so liberated, so free. The emotions and the lack dissolved and I was embraced with pure love and ready to discover the next layer in the unfoldment of the rose.