ascension, life, musings, rebirth, spirituality, Uncategorized

QUIVERING TERRITORY, NEW GROUNDS.

QUIVERING TERRITORY, NEW GROUNDS.

Today’s realisation is that sometimes when we feel lost it’s actually because we’ve broken through into the unknown, a place we’ve never been before.

A deep vulnerability in this place of nothingness, a deep grief and purging of the old self or at least what we thought was self.
Old coping mechanisms, distraction techniques and false beliefs won’t be entertained in this place as integrity sweeps in and you just know that life is not and will never be the same anymore.

Our soul and source shall not accept anything less that full accountability, integrity, respect, kindness, authenticity and love.

Sitting with what is in it’s raw, shaking, firey energy with an undertone of deep uncertainty.

Choosing to breathe deeper into self and source to anchor self, to allow a greater depth and to be fully here without running, escaping or abandoning self to run back into the familiar.

Also this deep knowing there’s no option remaining to do that anymore, something has really shifted yet it’s not very clear yet; the windscreen of the vehicle is held deep in the fog of the fire.

Unfamiliar territory!

It wasn’t stagnation which was originally thought yet an opportunity of familiarisation within a new territory, life, living, realms of self; a new home as such.

A new home, in a land not yet ventured but for the moment a little to shaky to explore.

Bec Hart.

relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

Obsessions, loop cycles, addiction and freedom.

ACCEPTANCE.

So as much as people don’t really like to admit these patterns – obsessions, loop cycles, addictions. We all have these in our lives to varying degrees and with regards to people, places and/or things.

This morning I discovered the root of my addictions and obsessions were not just due to lack of connection to self which I previously uncovered and addressed (this unfoldment led to a physical release of unconsciously holding my breath) but on a deeper level they were further held in being unheard and unseen.

I was triggered again last night and started to cry it was such a healthy release with an immense amount of confusion followed by a lightbulb moment! There it was! the thing that was putting me in a looped mind was the lack of response to the situation.

The situation was that in dream state I kept seeing the same man, he also comes up on my social media lots and my soul knows his yet in reality there is absolutely no mutual communication. So my mind and body were at war and I felt like I was going a little insane because of the “I can’t understand what’s going on and why I am feeling this way.” I also know that this sounds pretty strange but hey this is how the universe works, “In the most mysterious ways.”

I knew there was more to unfold so I surrendered to the universe and asked for clarity. I released the person who had been appearing in my life so very much. I energetically sent gratitude for showing me this situation in a simple way and I am so thankful that he had unintentionally triggered my buried feelings, patterns and subconscious secrets through confusion of my reality not appearing as my body was leading me to believe was my truth.

Please note that any time you are triggered it is never the fault of another and it is a gift to accept, integrate and possibly release past events and trauma.

As I woke this morning I was flooded with certain things that had been said to me in 2012-2013, things that in the past had really confused me. They were a confession plus denial yet an element of holding back information at the same time. I realised that not only was that confusing it had always been the answer to my situation that I hadn’t wanted to see.

In 2012 I had a brutal event that led to my awakening.

During particularly brutal life events, the mind reverts to back brain to protect you. This leaves the person unable to fully recall the event mentally or it can be fragmented, not in order nor making logical sense. I likened this to trying to build one jigsaw with a few pieces from several different puzzles. Also what I found is my body knew exactly what had happened and was in a constant state of fear, hyper arousal, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It did this to also alert me and protect me. The constant looping pattern that I had in my mind at this time was “What happened to me, I need to remember, who was it.” So basically my mind and body was at war plus the added conflict of the confused words being relayed to me sent me into a spiral of alcohol abuse as it was the only thing that allowed me to desensitize my body and mind. This way I could hide in the denial that nothing ever happened rather than facing the truth that ultimately was screaming right at me.

This morning I realised that the root to all this was the “not knowing, yet actually knowing.”

There are some things in life that mentally we cannot always deconstruct, make sense of yet our bodies have an innate knowing.

I know that something else happened to me as a child and this too is the core root of the mental conflict, the looped pattern, obsession whichever you wish to label it. I don’t need to know now though, the actual acknowledgement of where this stemmed from has released literally everything, I felt it! I held my body, my head and thanked it so very much for trying to speak to me, for helping me the best it could. I apologised for not knowing how to listen and then for hiding, denying my feelings and getting lost in a bottle of self-abuse and despair. I apologised for the self harm and mutilation I cast upon myself that I had used as a young adult to cope with the shame, blame, guilt and for being so “bad.” I was raped at 15 and didn’t tell anyone at the time (as I am writing this the core triggers came back to me, flooding my awareness). I remember these events and also being beaten several times previously, all these numbed out of reality. The core thought, belief looped pattern in this “Why do this when you tell me you love me?” and the conflicting story I told myself – it didn’t happen. My body held the memories, knew the truth and that’s where the conflict lies and the looped pattern/obsessions thoughts followed by the natural triggered response of self harm, denial and ultimately addiction. I held these parts, nurtured them and integrated each one back into my being with love and a promise of a safe home.

Today I feel so liberated, so very liberated! It all makes sense now and for the first time since I was a child my body is not tense, defensive or in a state of unconscious terror.

I am mentally and physically free!

I am so eternally grateful for this!

Much gratitude given to my body, mind and soul for never giving up on me. Thank you universe for the answers you have revealed at the exact right time. Pure forgiveness, love and gratitude sent to the situations and those people involved. Today I am so grateful for experiences which have ultimately led to wisdom, unconditional love and the coming home to self. I was never broken nor lost, all I ever needed was my full love and acknowledgement.

Written with love and hope that this too can help another.

Uncategorized

Manifesting your reality – Wow I’ve manifested my dream career (from last year).

Manifesting really does work!

I started to consciously manifest mid 2017 and I was told to “Start off small,” (the words which came back haunt my existence). I had so many dreams, plans and ideas all of which I definitely wanted in my life and I was so going to get them. Every new moon I’d write what I desired, I was so terribly excited. I create a vision board every 6 months (I still do this), I would feel into the dreams I had planned several times, I would watch motivational videos and all was well in my world.

I started to see results! Yippee!

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Don’t get me wrong I have manifested some remarkable things into my life but I have also manifested a career based upon who I was and not who I truly am, a multitude of opportunities that were not aligned with my values and financial freedom.

YES financial freedom, you read that right! Financial freedom = To be financially free – free of finances, as in I had manifested having no money. Also being so consciously aware I couldn’t help but laugh as I knew I had done it when my lightbulb blew my vision and mind.

So here are a few tips;

☆ Start small.
☆ Meditate before you manifest
☆ If your mind isn’t clear your vision won’t be either.
☆ Your dream job may not be your dream job in the future especially if you are going through multiple shifts.
☆ Manifest from passion not desire/lack.
☆ Choose your wording carefully.
☆ Do not keep changing your mind.
☆ Keep it simple and specific.
☆ If you are healing and/or working on de-conditioning, allow yourself time to heal before manifesting business (BUSYness) in.
☆ Be extremely clear in what you want.
☆ Ask for kind, loving, smooth transitions.
☆ Like attracts like! If you are not in your power and a place of unconditional love be very careful manifesting any romantic relationships in.

So many lessons learned!

This period of my life has created so very many lessons, wisdom and a huge amount of gratitude for what I do have in life. I believe that there is wisdom in all, everything truly happens for a reason and it is so important to take accountability for everything that has happened for us by us! For we are the creators!

Stuck in this space.
I wish to scream.
My eyes so bloodshot.
My aura green.
Those dreams I had.
The plans I made.
The foundations laid.
All options played.
My mind so dense.
My thoughts bemused.
A year later.
My dreams came true.
Yet no longer were they aligned.
Now my creativity lost and confined.
Where shall I go from this manifested space.
I don’t wish to be the role I made.
I’ve stripped those layers.
I’m fresh, naked and new.
What creations can now be birthed?
For I’ll start anew.

Uncategorized

Trauma – A blessing; Return to wonder and wholeness.

Here she is!

When I was born into this beautiful world, I was created in the eye of perfection. A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness. Captivated by all I encounter. Every sense stimulated, engaged, such wonder and excitement.

As time passed these wonders deteriorated, diminished. The senses lost their original edge at some point in time becoming over and under stimulated. Each word, opinion, view, belief held within the body and mind. Each experience altering our natural states of existence. Each relationship paving the way for the next; lessons to be uncovered, or avoided. The good, the bad and the ugly. Truths exposed within and without. A way of making or breaking you, strengthening you, uniting you or separating you further. Things that once seemed such fun and exciting now fill you with apprehension, doubt, fear and dread. The nurturing yet clouded love of another shaping your current and future reality. Do they intentionally impose their way of being onto you. Do they pass on their beliefs, coping, avoidance, ideals and rules to harm you, to punish you? Of course they only know what they too were taught as once upon a time they too were, “A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness.”

As I exploded into this world I wasn’t looking at my weight, my shape, my cellulite, my deficits, your deficits or debating which goals I should set so I could pull myself to pieces to achieve or unconsciously sabotage my progress. No these most definitely were not apparent within my little, cute existence of babydom.

Years pass by, the trauma, the terror, the torture, the pain – Ravage my body, my mind, my senses, my inner and outer universe. Senses so hyperaroused that I fear the slightest thing that enhances them, fearing myself and life itself and all that is. I conclude that there is something seriously wrong with me, there must be, I’ve been told this the entirety of my existence thus far. I find ways to torture myself, to numb the pain, to deny, to reject, to hide, to deceive not only in the face of another but within myself. I am so coherent, passive yet at times so very reactive. I found myself doing all I could to please another, to hide this ugliness that I am, this evil person birthed into this world. Trying to control anything that’s safe to do so, to minimise triggers, pain and explosive behaviours.

Trauma, more trauma, countless traumas, always me, why me? I must deserve this! Boom! My body screams no more, no more it shuts down I feel the switch from hyper arousal to hypo arousal, my body screams in a voice unheard but definitely felt. The collapse of my body systems, senses, emotions. Ravaged by it’s own protective mechanisms, the hormones like poison to the vessel and all its components. The numbness, the nothingness, the exhaustion, the shell of a body that can even function enough to move a finger. How could life do this to me? “The victimhood.”

The comeback, the rise! As I observe I am non reactive, a thought pattern concurs; What if I unlearn all I have ever been taught, everything I have developed to cope, learn to slow down and learn to love myself.

Life does not punish us, we punish ourselves! Feel into that “We punish ourselves.” How does that feel. I know that my life has displayed the law of cause and effect perfectly, at it’s finest I’d say.

As I reflect and observe upon each trauma, I see my truth, my reality. I see the multitude of gifts they brought into my life. I see the beauty of the cycle of life, the wheel, the seasons, death, rebirth, the lessons, the growth, the despair the fun, the colour, “The experience.”

As I lay here, a naked soul.
Unconcerned by;
Perception.
Reflection.
Yesterday.
Tomorrow.
The reality of another.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I am a little bundle of joy, love and light.
Captivated by all.
Senses stimulated, engaged.
Such wonder, excitement,
Illumination, depth.
I smile.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I love myself – unique, perfectly imperfect.
At this moment not only am I reborn,
I am love without condition.

Uncategorized

Passion and joy are found in the deep, darkness of our cores – Contemporary dance is my liberation, my therapy.

The power of dance is beyond the limits of my mind, when I dance my heart takes the lead. My whole body ready to venture into the depths of each moment of my life; The smiles, success, beauty, loss, tragedy’s, traumas and terrors. Deep into an abyss of the unknown. The memories held and repressed within the imprint of each cell, each individual part, my whole being in its entirety. My ears absorb the depths of the frequency, the delicious vibrations that are sound, as the music envelops each molecule in the room, I venture into another world.
I lose myself yet find myself simultaneously.

This is magic, pure magic, alchemised into something that words could never elucidate. In that very moment where my body is driven by my soul, I am burrowing through my deepest fears, freedom is found, I am unbound, lost in the love of unbridled despair. Transmuted, transformed into an unchoreographed masterpiece of movements, fused with both darkness and light. Constriction, explosions, rhythm, love and flow. I feel, touch, taste, sense, smell it, I am it. This feeling I cannot view with my eyes but those who watch can.

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To be open, lay bare.
To be vulnerable, not a care.
I move my body from within.
I dance with passion from herein.
I take the time to explore my world.
No fear of judgement.
I’m here, I’m bare.
Some say I’m strange.
I just don’t belong.
I say I’m strong.
I know who I am.
I dance to my own song.

We are not born to be small, quiet and repressed within a society of beautiful clones. I chose to live, love, create, to be unique and most definitely make you FEEL something.

 

Uncategorized

Not a caterpillar nor a butterfly – Lost in transition.

Who am I? Why am I blocked? I can’t move forward, what’s going on?

Not many people mention about that stale period, the one between certain life areas ending and your new beginnings. The transition period where you feel like you’re energetically shackled to an air of nothingness. Sinking deeper into the sludge, doubting and questioning literally every area of your life. Wondering what on earth is going on! “Why have all of my plans become stagnant and who am I now?” Why is this happening when I’ve literally put so much effort and work into my life, the world’s against me, I’m never good enough, it’s not fair. If you’re not consciously aware, you can easily slip into “why me” mode. Knowing that you’ve been letting go of the safety, the familiarity; to thrive, rise and move forward into your highest light but wondering why you feel like you’ve gone off path somehow. Don’t clutch at straws, don’t re-route. Rest, integrate and enjoy sinking your teeth into this meaty offering during this period of time. Always remember, life happens for you not to you!

Look what is being shown to you, feel the uncomfortable sensations, thoughts, loop patterns, darkness and send each one of them love and understanding. Realistically you’re being given a lifeline to address deep rooted fears, beliefs and hidden patterns that prevent you from moving forward into a bigger, bolder reality than you could ever imagine. Sit in the darkness, feel it, love it, embrace it. Know that wherever you are, is exactly where you need to be at this moment in time! You are perfect, perfectly imperfect and through an unclear lens you’ll eventually see that all you needed to know, be and do was here all along.

Wait for the alignment, it’s where true miracles occur.

Drowning in transition.

Waiting for a sign,
a sign that I don’t see.
A sign of how to move forward.
A sign of I to we.
The silence is so deafening.
Frustration, a heavy blow,
to my peace of mind.
Who am I now,
where do I go,
I really just don’t know.
I’ll sit here in the silence.
See what comes to mind.
What is my purpose?
What do I love?
I just can’t seem to find.
I move from head to heart.
Just then I start to see.
A flicker of light.
Put pen to paper,
My path is clear to see.

Uncategorized

This beautiful experience called life.

Wow these energies of late, I could have been shaken or resorted to old patterns of behaviour the past few days as life has re-introduced some events but they’ve been dressed up a little differently. Today I journaled my life from a beautiful perspective, I hope it inspires you to feel something.

I breathe in the energy of love, wonder and joy.
Observing the miracles within and without.
Just how did I get here?
How, when physically, mentally and emotionally torn apart
have I become so whole?
When I have faced conflict, projection, persecution and brutality,
How is it that I love so very deeply?
How is it that I trust myself implicitly?
When I have been conditioned to believe that I am not enough.
Observing the miracles within and without.
The extremes of life sent to empty us, to free us, to re-route us.
For every horrendous act placed upon me has taught me
softening, releasing, letting go.
It has shown me how to develop the deepest, purest love for self
and another, that beauty I can’t even try to describe.
The pain, the shame, the blame has taught me strength, endurance,
self worth, self respect and to walk away with my held high
from anything that tries to compromise this.
If someone does not like me, I see, I feel, I know,
this is not a reflection of me but a deep pain held within themselves.
I send love, I let go and continue on my path.
For all the pain I have endured, the traumas, the self hate, destruction;
I have gained so much space that’s now filled with beautiful friends,
healthy relationships, wisdom, a love of self, passion, creativity,
health, a higher perspective, forgiveness, compassion, ownership, skills,
an abundance of beauty within, without and all around.
We can truly bless our lives by being so very grateful for all we have
in each given moment.
Whatever situation you face, no matter how difficult there is always;
Lessons, blessings, wisdom, growth and miracles.
Hold it, taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it and bathe in it’s beauty!
These moments provide breakthroughs,
these moments shed the old skin
to reveal your true nature and identity,
one that you are so in tune with.
This is your truth, this is;
“YOUR SOUL IN FLESH FORM.”