relationships, Trauma

Breaking through an ice caged heart.

I awoke to numbness.

Feeling that I need to cry yet don’t know how to.

Shock, powerlessness, a ball of tightly coiled string tugging war within my stomach.

A bright yellow toxic acid raging between my heart and throat wanting to escape yet it lies there eating me away.

My body shaking yet limp, powerless.
I feel deeper, sinking into self, into the depth of the sensations or lack of.

I breathe life into this numbness, this nothingness, this shell.

Remaining present yet wanting to escape to fly out of my body, somewhere, anywhere else but here.

I lay in the silence, the nothingness, an eerie void cradling my entire body.
I ask my inner self “What do you need to know?”

A thought appears – I AM SO SCARED.

Each trauma flashes before my eyes.
Feelers deeper, sinking deeper, my hands burning trying to melt my ice cold vessel.

I ask, “What can I do to help?”

I see a past version of me, she looks at me in despair.

Many versions of me flash before my eyes, the same pained expression that of torture, raw emptiness, desperation.

I hear “I don’t know!”

I feel deeper into the confusion, terror, fright, dissonance and disbelief.

Further immersing into breath, sounds, smells, sights, textures, tastes.

Embracing each sensation as you would nurture a new born baby, cradled at the chest of it’s Mother soothed by her beating heart.

Deeper, deeper, shaking, feeling so sick. Heat flooding my entire body – is it hot or is it cold, sweat.

Really wanting to escape, dissociate, forget.

I affirm , “You are safe, we are safe, it wasn’t your fault.”

Breathing into the confusion, the pain, each cell of my body.

Reaffirming “You are safe.”

My heart literally protected by a cage of ice, slowly dissolving drip, drip, drip.

Through acceptance emergence, immersed with such heat within.

Such radiance, such love, such purity.

My inner child looks at me with such a confused, saddened expression,

“Then why me, why did they do it?”

I say dear one, for once they were hurting to.

Feeling ashamed they pushed down their feelings till they were numb, lifeless, yet highly volatile.

Underneath it all lay a terrified child just begging for love.

We looked deeply, softly, lovingly into each others eyes.

Knowing then as we merged together, we were so powerful, liberated and filled with love not fear.

relationships, Trauma

Numbed by default.

I grieved for you last night, I delved deeply in the numbness and denial that I created.

The denial, the numbness I clung to so I could be strong for everyone else because I couldn’t be seen to be weak, sensitive or real.

It’s 20 years since you left my life, the only person I felt understood me. The one who loved me as a child for all of me. The one who didn’t try to change me and accepted me exactly how I was. My rock, my saviour, my stability and my teacher.

I poured the tears of a vast ocean last night, I cried in terror deep from the pit of my stomach, I wanted to scream and felt such anger boiling through my veins. Such pain, such destruction, such fear. Why did you leave me you were all I felt I had – a broken record repeating in my ever haunted mind.

I mourned for you last night and I mourned for myself because when you left my life, I left my own life. My body lifeless and numb, I didn’t know how to breathe, how to be, how to cope, to feel. I lost my sanctuary and I felt so lost, afraid and alone.

I drank tea today. You used to make the best tea. Fresh from the pot with tea leaves. I’ve avoided tea since you left. I used to bake with you every day and I always wondered why you never ate any of your baking. Nobody could ever bake like you but my daughter she bakes and she reminds me of you so much.

When you left I felt like my whole world collapsed, I felt I could never love again and I deserved to be punished as I couldn’t bare seeing you in hospital lying in your bed so I didn’t see you, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I was told I was selfish and held all that pain guilt and shame until last night. Ravaged, lost, tortured lost in a war of my own body and mind, hating myself so very deeply.

I cried the tears of a vast ocean last night and awoke to feelings that maybe I could love again. I could release the chase, the escape, the push, the pull and the need for control.

I had a wave of certainty this morning that I was loveable and could love again without getting lost.

Always in my heart and forever by my side. I love you. ❤

relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

Obsessions, loop cycles, addiction and freedom.

ACCEPTANCE.

So as much as people don’t really like to admit these patterns – obsessions, loop cycles, addictions. We all have these in our lives to varying degrees and with regards to people, places and/or things.

This morning I discovered the root of my addictions and obsessions were not just due to lack of connection to self which I previously uncovered and addressed (this unfoldment led to a physical release of unconsciously holding my breath) but on a deeper level they were further held in being unheard and unseen.

I was triggered again last night and started to cry it was such a healthy release with an immense amount of confusion followed by a lightbulb moment! There it was! the thing that was putting me in a looped mind was the lack of response to the situation.

The situation was that in dream state I kept seeing the same man, he also comes up on my social media lots and my soul knows his yet in reality there is absolutely no mutual communication. So my mind and body were at war and I felt like I was going a little insane because of the “I can’t understand what’s going on and why I am feeling this way.” I also know that this sounds pretty strange but hey this is how the universe works, “In the most mysterious ways.”

I knew there was more to unfold so I surrendered to the universe and asked for clarity. I released the person who had been appearing in my life so very much. I energetically sent gratitude for showing me this situation in a simple way and I am so thankful that he had unintentionally triggered my buried feelings, patterns and subconscious secrets through confusion of my reality not appearing as my body was leading me to believe was my truth.

Please note that any time you are triggered it is never the fault of another and it is a gift to accept, integrate and possibly release past events and trauma.

As I woke this morning I was flooded with certain things that had been said to me in 2012-2013, things that in the past had really confused me. They were a confession plus denial yet an element of holding back information at the same time. I realised that not only was that confusing it had always been the answer to my situation that I hadn’t wanted to see.

In 2012 I had a brutal event that led to my awakening.

During particularly brutal life events, the mind reverts to back brain to protect you. This leaves the person unable to fully recall the event mentally or it can be fragmented, not in order nor making logical sense. I likened this to trying to build one jigsaw with a few pieces from several different puzzles. Also what I found is my body knew exactly what had happened and was in a constant state of fear, hyper arousal, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It did this to also alert me and protect me. The constant looping pattern that I had in my mind at this time was “What happened to me, I need to remember, who was it.” So basically my mind and body was at war plus the added conflict of the confused words being relayed to me sent me into a spiral of alcohol abuse as it was the only thing that allowed me to desensitize my body and mind. This way I could hide in the denial that nothing ever happened rather than facing the truth that ultimately was screaming right at me.

This morning I realised that the root to all this was the “not knowing, yet actually knowing.”

There are some things in life that mentally we cannot always deconstruct, make sense of yet our bodies have an innate knowing.

I know that something else happened to me as a child and this too is the core root of the mental conflict, the looped pattern, obsession whichever you wish to label it. I don’t need to know now though, the actual acknowledgement of where this stemmed from has released literally everything, I felt it! I held my body, my head and thanked it so very much for trying to speak to me, for helping me the best it could. I apologised for not knowing how to listen and then for hiding, denying my feelings and getting lost in a bottle of self-abuse and despair. I apologised for the self harm and mutilation I cast upon myself that I had used as a young adult to cope with the shame, blame, guilt and for being so “bad.” I was raped at 15 and didn’t tell anyone at the time (as I am writing this the core triggers came back to me, flooding my awareness). I remember these events and also being beaten several times previously, all these numbed out of reality. The core thought, belief looped pattern in this “Why do this when you tell me you love me?” and the conflicting story I told myself – it didn’t happen. My body held the memories, knew the truth and that’s where the conflict lies and the looped pattern/obsessions thoughts followed by the natural triggered response of self harm, denial and ultimately addiction. I held these parts, nurtured them and integrated each one back into my being with love and a promise of a safe home.

Today I feel so liberated, so very liberated! It all makes sense now and for the first time since I was a child my body is not tense, defensive or in a state of unconscious terror.

I am mentally and physically free!

I am so eternally grateful for this!

Much gratitude given to my body, mind and soul for never giving up on me. Thank you universe for the answers you have revealed at the exact right time. Pure forgiveness, love and gratitude sent to the situations and those people involved. Today I am so grateful for experiences which have ultimately led to wisdom, unconditional love and the coming home to self. I was never broken nor lost, all I ever needed was my full love and acknowledgement.

Written with love and hope that this too can help another.