ascension, life, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

The illusion that is.

Gone now are the illusions of the past that we promised our future.

The destruction of the dream, as we lose ourselves in the emptiness of unworthiness yet it is not held in ourselves as it may seem. This merely an illusion of looking outside of ourself for all that we are.

The separation and division of alternate realms, hierarchy, teachers, masters, history, religion – all labels.

We are the consciousness, the unity and the uniqueness we desperately try and fail yet seek.

Creativity is in the flow, moment, spontaneity, the deliverance of the unknown. It is not held in the constant repitition to obtain a flat, perfectionists view of aliveness and art.

As are all emotions, each one lively, screaming out, wanting to be nurtured, held, seen and not transcended or denied. There’s life in all parts, why deny yourself, your truth.

The insanity of holding onto and seeking happiness in a flat, old, stale piece of bread that was never yours to eat as you’re allergic to gluten.

I am not a machine to succumb to societies wants, needs, desires so why is it that I roll out work like a printer that has an endless supply of ink.

Nor do I need to seek the real me, my purpose, money, the answers or enlightenment. For it is in acceptance that we realise that we have and are all we ever needed.

Mother Earth, she just asks you accept yourself so that we rise together, she doesn’t need healing or fixing, just acceptance, love, nurturing and respect.

I am a work of art that shapeshifts as the waves of the sea. Not a game in which I or someone else plays to figure out me.

Take me or leave me, I am as true as can be. Messy, free and undeniably me.

In this I see that I hadn’t been living, I’d been seeking and running from the unmasked, beautiful, raw, naked, wholesome, alive, vessel that is me.

For life is not in lived, it is in living.

Only in the acceptance of self, others and life itself in each unplanned, raw, unknown given moment, can this be.

For if we always seek we shall never find.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

Allow yourself to fall.

The end of life, the end of life as we knew it.

Holding on desperately trying to save anything we possibly can and why, why do we feel the need to hold on. To destroy ourselves for the sake of the life we once knew yet we were so desperately unhappy with, discontent, bored, outgrown, uninspired. It’s like trying to fit in those pants that you adored when you were 8 years old, or the body you inspire to have based on a perception, or the life you assume another holds the one you desperately wish was yours. You truly know that deep down it’s not going to happen. You have changed, grown, it’s not you or maybe it never was.

We try to salvage the last remnants of what was; the broken relationships, the destructive memories, the job we hate, the hobby that holds no enjoyment and the dreams we built on an illusion of that which we desired.

We suck ourselves dry and wonder why we are thirsty, lifeless and lacklustre.

Yet we still hold on!

Grasping onto the pain, the torture, the memories, the illusions, delusions, the falsified light.

Why me, why can’t I move forward, what did I do wrong, Am I not good enough. I am a failure, I am unworthy. Projections; I am vile, I am bad news, bad luck etc, why me, I know I am right. It’s not fair Sheila down the Street gets all the luck.

I know what I will do, I will do some positive affirmations to “fix” things. I am incredible, I am successful, I am a millionaire, I have a big house, a dream car, I am a supermodel, I have the body of a God, I am thriving, I have sparkly friends that bounce as they walk and sparkle as they empty their bin.

Digging deeper into denial, forcing self deeper into sadness, into a void.

Ooh a void what can I fill that with, I know I know I can’t believe I never thought this before, I so can’t believe it. I know I will work harder my body is literally falling apart, I resemble a scarecrow, I have slept for a whole 1 hour in a week, I’m pumped on caffeine, sugar, alcohol, snacks and an apple for good luck but I am so gonna work harder. All the greats pushed themselves they say so on motivational videos. I’ve heard them keep pushing, keep pushing you won’t fall you’ll fly.

Stuck in a cycle, unwilling to let go. Torturing yourself further, drowning in a sea of despair, an ocean of quicksand, submerged in a grave of your own making, idolizing the perfect lives that others lead and berating, hating, cursing your own.

I know what I need to do, I need to fix myself! I am seriously going to go to the gym, start eating crispbreads and lettuce, I will do healing videos on loop and it will so put me back in alignment. I am so going to be in that vortex and out of this dark dungeon you watch me next week I will be so on fire you’ll need an extinguisher if you are within in a five-mile radius of my radiant self. I can’t believe I never thought of this before! I am so stupid.

Why didn’t that work OMG, I seriously need help. Right I see that people in relationships are always happy. I know I am gonna find me a relationship but this time it is so going to be different.

STOP! You get the point right?

We are that in which we seek, you’ll never find it as you already are it!

Sink, sink deeper!

Allow yourself to feel, to observe, to be curious, breathe.

Allow yourself to fall, to collapse, to break, to cry, to scream, to shout, to be angry, to be broken.

Stay with it though, stay with the here, the now, the present moment. Observe the feelings and sensations, observe the thoughts allow them to flow by, no need to dissect them or know why you feel this way. Just feel.

Allow yourself to truly feel, no judgement, pure feelings, sensations, contradictions, contractions, restrictions, aliveness, numbness.

All of it feel it, breathe into it. Surrender!

Allow yourself to not know who you are, what you want and to not have it all together…break and break some more.

Rest! Allow! Just be!

Pure acceptance and trust.

Be naked, open and vulnerably you!

In this vast nothingness.

Be true to YOU!

You aren’t broken, you aren’t lost, you never were. You are being born, re-born.

This my friend, is living.

In its fullness, aliveness and unedited rawness.

Feel that LIFE.

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THE COLOUR BLACK.

The void of darkness.
Unknown lies there.
An air of nothingness.
Filled with despair.
Calm and still.
Yet rough and wild.
Uneasiness boils.
Bless you child.
The colour black.

I’ll hold you child.
Through the weakness, the void.
Non selective.
No gender.
Great Strength.
Pure joy.
The void is wild.
You can survive this dear child.
Today, tomorrow.
Who knows.
How long will this shall last.
Deep depths.
Destruction.
Simmers angers past.
The colour black.

Observe.
Break.
Surrender.
Rest well.
Feel each release.
The colour black
Shall rise you.
Knees to feet.
You are not alone.
The depth of despair.
Feel.
Engage.
Deafening silence.
I cradle you there.
The colour black.

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ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

If I were to write a book…

If I were to write a self help book many wouldn’t find it very helpful, possibly frustrating in fact.

For all we learn lies within our lives, body, mind and soul not the pages of a book, a guru, a course.

Yes they are great for planting seeds, gaining confirmation and relatability but ultimately your life is your life, your path, your liberation, your knowing.

I am really uneducated in religion, politics, geography, history, spirituality. I like it that way as I know that my knowledge is not tarnished, I have no preconceived ideas, judgements, beliefs associated with anything whatsoever. Just my own knowing which for me is more than enough.

I see myself in the eyes of all and I have peace because there is no belief, judgement, system, ideal standing in my way providing a barrier or a dissonance within or without.

Pure flow, no need for justification or agreement as there is nothing to justify or agree to or with. Don’t get me wrong I have my personal truths but knowing that they are mine and they are rooted in my truth and being. I feel no need to impose on another as they have their truths and ways of being and this too is amazing, so very liberating and insightful.
I truly love freedom, liberation and personal truths and I believe in all yet I believe in nothing.

There’s something magical about trust; trusting your path, trusting flow, trusting source, the universe, God, most importantly yourself and I believe all these are one and in the same breath yet they aren’t.

To love, to love without losing yourself is trust, it’s liberation, it’s wholeness. To love without sacrificing yourself for another is love. We have no need to sacrifice anything in a relationship with another when we are liberated, whole and we have trust.

If we are love then we give love to all there’s no selectivity, conditions, attachments. There’s no disservice and dishonour to oneself as a means to feeling worthy, seen, enough. We enjoy our time together and our time apart. Space, freedom, liberation. There is no need, it is what it is.

You cannot lose yourself in another if you are complete. Unwilling to play the game of push and pull, chase and withdraw, victim and perpetrator etc, etc. Taking full ownership for all in life, giving and receiving, communicating, allowing yourself to be naked, vulnerable, seen, heard. Embracing the messiness of a relationship as well as the joy because all is experience, flow, colour – all is growth.

Connected fully to the ground and the sky you find circumstances within and without shall not alter your state of being, they don’t shake you elate you or shut down and break you like they used to. As you are whole, connected, balanced and fully grounded.

You can’t lose yourself if you don’t give your power away and there’s no need to give your power away if you trust yourself, love yourself, honour yourself – as within, so without.

This past few weeks I’ve really shifted some deep ancestral patterns and it feels so very liberating!

We never fear another, a relationship, a rule, change, anything. What I’ve found is our fear is rooted within our self and that in which we are or aren’t capable of. Ultimately we are capable of everything.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

FROM VICTIM TO NEUTRALITY.

TO BE SEEN.

I didn’t change.
I didn’t get taken over by zombies.
I didn’t join a cult.
I didn’t want attention.
I didn’t get brainwashed by another.
I didn’t make it up.
I didn’t lie.
I was never crazy.

Truth is I’ve always been here.
I’ve always been real.
I’ve always seen life through a different lense.
In life I tried to speak out.
From a young age I tried to speak out.
When I spoke out I was shut down.
All my life shut down;
Physical attacks.
Verbal attacks.
Triangulation.
Bullying.
Vendettas.
Smear campaigns.
Rapes.

I was made to feel like I was wrong.
I was delusional.
I was crazy.
I was evil.
So I hid.
I hid my truth behind a mask.
Behind a false smile.
I kept myself busy.
I numbed myself with alcohol.
I sought validation in relationships.
I feared life, myself and everyone else.

Throughout my life.
An obvious pattern of being shutdown.
Feeling victimised.
Reacting.
Hurting others.
Self harming.
Punishing myself.
Handing over my power.
Giving up.
Suicide attempts.

Trying to explain myself.
Trying to fit in by doing things I didn’t want to.
Saying yes when I truly meant no.
Trying to be heard.
Trying to be liked.

I realised I was speaking to the wrong people.
Trying to gain validation.
Trying to gain love and acceptance.
Craving love.
For the wrong reasons.
To feel understood.
To be a part of “normality.”
To fit in.

Now I see and feel truth, I see the gifts my past delivered, I thank you all and I thank myself!

You’ve taught me;

Forgiveness.
Self love.
Honesty.
Self trust.
Self respect.
Self realisation.
Creativity.
Authenticity.
Justice.
Honour.
Acceptance.
Surrender.
Determination.
Patience.
Peace.
Neutrality.
Balance.
Unconditional love.
Non attachment.
Flow.
Strength.

I’ve been taught that being unique, having a voice, being true to self is an honour.

You’ve taught me that love, trust, wisdom, truth all comes from within.

I am all I sought.
That’s why I felt so lost.
You cannot find that which you are.

I am truth.
I am love.
I am peace.
I am compassion.
I am unity.
I am all.
We are all.
I am.
You are.
We are.

The illusion is that there is a victim and a perpetrator in all of this.

The truth is we all come from a place of pain or love.

People hurting people.

In turn hurting self.

Pain attracts pain.

Love attracts love.

Unhealed attracts unhealed.

Wholeness attracts wholeness.

When I was being attacked externally, I was attacking myself from the inside, I take full ownership for this.

A mirror.

An illusion of no illusion.

I am my truth.

I am my authority.

Nobody can ever take that away.

Today I share my voice without fear.

I am grateful for life.

I am deeply humbled.

For all of its colours.

It’s wealth.

I love myself and in turn I love you.

I am grateful for being held unconditionally by source even when I failed to truly believe.
It is in those darkest times I was held the most, I see that now.

The truth is my light shines so bright because I have faced the deepest darkness and got truly lost.

The paradox is that it was in that darkness I found pure light.

Through control I gained liberation.
Through torture I became unconditional love.
When I thought I was nothing, I realised I am everything.
Through hell I found heaven.
That lies here on Earth.
There is no destination.
There is just here and now.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

Separation as our core wound.

CORE WOUNDING.

What if our core wounding was seperation.
We all endure and feel seperation.

Seperation creates a mental loop one in which we cannot unravel as it’s an infinite illusion.

The unsolvable jigsaw of illusion that’s re-affirmed through action of another.

Whereas the true wound lies in seperation
from initial birth – the beginning of time as such.

The beginning of the beginning of it all
From the stars and beyond.
If there ever was a beginning as such.

Reflected in every lifetime, every living thing.
Universe.
Planet’s.
World’s.
Stars.
Childbirth.
Self.

Reflected, triggered and confirmed in events via People, places, things.

So we look to an initial event in a linear fashion which cannot be remembered or found.
We feel the impact of the core wounding in our bodies thus creating a loop of what happened to us;

Trigger = I feel it – I cannot understand it – what happened.

A never ending looped illusion.
As we are never separate from anything.
All is here albeit in different form at times.
A core wounding that unites us all in separation.
Unity in seperation.
As there is no separation.
All is energy.
All is self.
There is no core wound.
Nothing leaves.
Just changes form.
As we are everything.
We are the illusion.
An illusion of non illusion.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

Invisibility and shut down during childhood and adulthood.

As a child especially in times of patriarchal society.

We were shown and told to be seen yet not heard.

This was and still can be reflected in parenting, schools, relationships, workplaces and such like.

As a women and very sensitive child I found these ways torturous.

The humiliation, the put downs, the segregation, the inferiority, the sexualized or gender based derogatory behaviours and comments. Feeling like I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t allowed a voice and if I spoke I was never heard or was very quickly shut down.

I feared authority, in fact I feared authority most of my adult life for many I put my trust into failed to treat me with love, care and respect. Mainly as they thought patriarchal ways were normality and continued the spiral of behaviours and justified their ways by being around those who accept this as normality.

I entered, attracted and painstakingly endured countless extremely controlling relationships and stayed in them as I had been taught as a child this was not only normality but it was I who was flawed.

Yesterday as situation was presented to me to address these wounds. I was triggered. My body fearful, my voice shut down, my body trembling in fear. My body switched into a complete sensory overload yet somehow remained able to not numb or run but accept my feelings and speak about how I felt.

It took me back to times in childhood of speaking my truth when something didn’t feel right only to be dismissed and humiliated. As those in authority didn’t wish to see their patriarchal ways or their childhood wounds were they too felt this overwhelming inferiority by their caregivers.

I had a realisation that everytime I spoke out, others were involved – triangulated and manipulated to back up their story, their perceived idea of power. Leaving me feeling more and more humiliated, shamed, broken, lost, pained and overwhelmingly like there was something seriously wrong with me.

I was told how to feel, not listened to how I truly felt this hurt, I felt invisible, unheard, unloved, emotionally unmet. In time I couldn’t name my feelings as I felt that what I was feeling wasn’t the true feeling as that’s what I had been told – after all adults/caregivers are always right.

Yesterday I had an epiphany of what shame and humiliation truly felt like felt and fully accepted and justified by myself, my own mind.

As a child if I had tried to speak out when the dust had settled it was like I had been transported to the set of the Waltons; happy families, schooling etc. Everything pushed under the rug never to be spoken about again.

Only I didn’t feel this way underneath I was tortured, in so much pain, misunderstood and feeling like there must be something wrong as nobody else felt this way. I eventually disowned myself and took to harming myself in many ways as an adult as each time I was shut down I associated it with me being “bad.”

The past weeks this has been shown to me in so many ways on a subtle level but this past 24 hours after being triggered which I’m truly grateful for,

I’ve really submerged into these feelings, thoughts and ways with a childlike intrigue floating not drowning. Allowing all, observing all, accepting all and forgiving myself and seeing that others are hurting too. I’ve not rushed to fix myself, close off my feelings, I honestly still feel quite raw as I write this.

I’ve realised that this was the fear I was holding about moving forward into a romantic relationship as I really haven’t experienced love from a partner in a respectful way.

I realise that for most of my life I have been brutally broken by patriarchy, control and men and women that cannot handle my power, my truth, my beauty, my originality.

In these times I have learned so very much about myself, life and the importance of self respect, self love, being true to myself and my needs.

That balance of my personal divine feminine and masculine, yin and yang is so very important or I too can capture heavy dualistic ways.

I have and continue to master full acceptance, responsibility and ownership for all that arises within me from an outer trigger, a mirror, a teacher.

I know the importance of healing my Mother and Father wounds so I too do not place upon another, my inner wounding as I realise I am the change that I desire.

As the patriarchal males/females placed their Mother wounding onto me and all those before and who stand beside me I write this in the hope that they too desire change.

I vow to commit to never allowing my voice, my being, my body to be shamed ever again. I speak my truth loudly, clearly so that my daughter shall know this is not love. I speak and act clearly to hopefully show my son and other males the way forward. So they do not feel this is normality in the hope that they too will not succumb to these ways and decide to be the change that is already occuring.

To both men and women alike that are making these changes, you are incredible and I bow to you!

To my beloved other, I hope to move forward with you without fear and I ask….

TO MY BELOVED OTHER.

If I ask for your help
can you offer it freely without shutting me down.
Can you hear me.
As I speak.
Without assuming you have all the answers.
Can you allow me to feel.
Rather than tell me how I should feel as it feels less painful for you.
Can you hold space for me.
If I struggle to capture my strength in any given moment.
Can you handle my truth.
My power.
My voice.
Without a need to make me small.
Or shut me up.
Can you accept me as I am.
Without manipulating me into a box to fit societies conditioned ways of being.
Can you handle all of me bare, naked, honest, unkempt.
Without a need to humiliate.
Shun me.
Belittle me.
Or validate yourself by exposing my vulnerabilities through words to others.
As I am not a sheep following old ways and orders.
Can you love me as I am.
Accept me in my wholeness.
Embrace me in my power.
Can we rise together.
No bleed through.
Pure respect.
Equality.
Balance.
Can you handle a strong women.
Can you smile as I rise.
Hold me as I fall.
Equally both as beautiful.
Can you take me as I am.
Can you respect me through all.

ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

I SEE YOU!

As a wounded child we may feel we need to be more, have more, do more. To be accepted by another.

We may also confuse money and worth as they intertwine into a huge ball of shame, blame, guilt and unworthiness in the pit of our stomach.

We may have been bought (as it seemed) for our silence, a bribe, hush money. We may have been treated via Birthdays, Christmas and for being generally good.

We are taught to be in well paid jobs we may not like as this is the ultimate paradise – so much confusion, conflict and dissolution.

This can make us feel unworthy, unseen, not enough or seen for all the wrong reasons and it is especially obvious in relationship to self, others and within our career.

It can lead to us being underpaid, undervalued, controlled, seen as an object, lack of self esteem, loss of self, a void within, dissatisfaction and the need to seek more and more without.

Please know – We are enough!

It was never about us.

Sometimes we are so wise, intelligent and tuned in that it can literally put fear into those around us.

Maybe our truths will bring crystal clarity to others and their true self will be uncovered, inevitably their mask may fall.

Maybe they may have to look at their lives and that means they would have to take ownership and that leads to change.

Change can be scary for some.

Maybe to them this was love, please know they truly tried there best.

They too have deep wounding and conditioning that suggests this is all truth, that’s all they have ever known.

When looking at either our Mother or Father wounding and these aspects it is important to realise our lifegivers tried their best.

We either choose love or fear in all our decisions/actions.

When so heavily conditioned fear comes naturally, it seems the safest option – total paradox I know.

They loved you in the only way they knew how, as we ourselves have done all our lives in many forms, many ways.

We can choose to live through forgiveness and liberation.

We can choose to offer appreciation and gratitude for our lessons and life.

In turn releasing ourselves from our past then finding that all others; mirrors, amplifiers, teachers, true gifts in life will dissolve – lesson learnt, truth embraced and uncovered.

There is no need for us to project, cling or push another away.

Going forth and visualising our inner child, holding them. Explaining you see them, you love them, you hear them and they are wise, intelligent, beautiful. Letting them know and feel that this is wealth, riches, fullness, wholeness – The ultimate paradise.

Ask them to come home so you may stand fully in your power with no need to be noticed, validated, to have material wealth as you are the only validation, wealth and sovereignty that they shall ever need. Allow their body, light, energy, love to dissolve and merge into yours like silk on skin.

Pick up your crown, claim your royalty and shine like the star that you are.

WELCOME HOME.