relationships, Trauma

Breaking through an ice caged heart.

I awoke to numbness.

Feeling that I need to cry yet don’t know how to.

Shock, powerlessness, a ball of tightly coiled string tugging war within my stomach.

A bright yellow toxic acid raging between my heart and throat wanting to escape yet it lies there eating me away.

My body shaking yet limp, powerless.
I feel deeper, sinking into self, into the depth of the sensations or lack of.

I breathe life into this numbness, this nothingness, this shell.

Remaining present yet wanting to escape to fly out of my body, somewhere, anywhere else but here.

I lay in the silence, the nothingness, an eerie void cradling my entire body.
I ask my inner self “What do you need to know?”

A thought appears – I AM SO SCARED.

Each trauma flashes before my eyes.
Feelers deeper, sinking deeper, my hands burning trying to melt my ice cold vessel.

I ask, “What can I do to help?”

I see a past version of me, she looks at me in despair.

Many versions of me flash before my eyes, the same pained expression that of torture, raw emptiness, desperation.

I hear “I don’t know!”

I feel deeper into the confusion, terror, fright, dissonance and disbelief.

Further immersing into breath, sounds, smells, sights, textures, tastes.

Embracing each sensation as you would nurture a new born baby, cradled at the chest of it’s Mother soothed by her beating heart.

Deeper, deeper, shaking, feeling so sick. Heat flooding my entire body – is it hot or is it cold, sweat.

Really wanting to escape, dissociate, forget.

I affirm , “You are safe, we are safe, it wasn’t your fault.”

Breathing into the confusion, the pain, each cell of my body.

Reaffirming “You are safe.”

My heart literally protected by a cage of ice, slowly dissolving drip, drip, drip.

Through acceptance emergence, immersed with such heat within.

Such radiance, such love, such purity.

My inner child looks at me with such a confused, saddened expression,

“Then why me, why did they do it?”

I say dear one, for once they were hurting to.

Feeling ashamed they pushed down their feelings till they were numb, lifeless, yet highly volatile.

Underneath it all lay a terrified child just begging for love.

We looked deeply, softly, lovingly into each others eyes.

Knowing then as we merged together, we were so powerful, liberated and filled with love not fear.

ascension, relationships

My childhood dream came true.

ONCE UPON A TIME…

It was merely a dream, a fantasy to be on stage singing, acting captivated by the wonder, the props, the scenes, the magic. To be a part of that magic and shine like a star.

As I grew older and older this dream slipped away, I slipped away losing myself and my dreams were so very out of reach. Most of my life unable to trust myself, not knowing what I wanted, who I was or what I enjoyed.

I found myself doing so many things I didn’t want to, pleasing people, enduring unhealthy relationships, wearing a mask, hiding, agreeing, denying, seeking validation, torturing myself and feeling so heart-wrenchingly unworthy of even my own breath. This went on for so very long until one day I decided it was the day I died or the day my life changed forever.

Fast forward to this present moment and my life is so very different. It’s taken a lot of strength to get here! It has not been all glittery and magical and I accept this, I flow with this, I honour this.

As this life cycle is coming to a close ready for new beginnings many opportunities arise. My childhood dream of being a singer and actress in a play is offered to me, the wonder, the excitement takes over. How incredible an audition with no experience this is pure magic, so incredible I am blinded by excitement for my inner child.

The day arrives for my audition, I’ve not rehearsed my gut instinct isn’t very happy indeed and I’m left feeling so confused. I go within searching for answers. I receive an answer I go deeper, deeper, deeper uncovering my truth. Am I fearful? It could be fear as I had been ruled by fear previously but deep down I knew it wasn’t fear, I was no longer in that space, that zest was not there.

Then and there it all came flooding to me,

“Sometimes we seek validation in ways that aren’t always so easy to see.”

I personally thought I always wanted to be on stage to live a life of performing because I loved music, singing and dancing. The truth behind it was I was seeking, looking outside of myself and my life. Wearing a mask, hiding my true self, playing a role, having the structure I felt I needed, being told what to do – discipline. Being a good girl! This basically equated to “Don’t be yourself!”

I longed to be noticed, adored, validated and loved and unconsciously since I was a child I truly thought this was the way I would be.

I realised the gift I had been given in being offered this incredible opportunity in more ways than I could ever possibly imagine. It had made me realise that it’s not aligned to who I truly am and my desires in life.

My realisations/my truth;

I love flowing and having a schedule isn’t flow, I really can’t plan in advance any longer I have to be in this moment. This is becoming so apparent in my life at present.

Singing and acting another’s wishes is personally a role/a mask for me to hide behind. It’s what I had done most of my life! This was an eye-opening discovery into the way I wasn’t choosing to stand in my power and I suppose we can all find ways to deny the truth by going into a safe mode by hiding our true self in the most deceptive forms.

So many more realisations, so eye-opening.

I didn’t go to my audition, it’s not for me anymore. I still sing, dance and create but it’s from flow not force. No need to memorize nor plan its pure passion, pure alchemy and all so very authentically me.

I was grateful for the opportunity, so grateful and the deep discoveries of self that it led me too. I realise that I’m here to lead not follow, to be exposed not covered, to create from flow not force and to stand strong in my truth even if others don’t agree. We are all free to have our own opinions and voice there’s no right or wrong all is perception.

This is what I love about life we are all so very connected yet so very unique.

relationships

Sometimes we screw up.

Sometimes we screw up.

Perceiving a reality that just truly does not exist.

An assumption.

A mixed message.

A wanting.

A yearning.

A delusion.

An admiration.

An obsession.

An illusion of the ever fantacizing mind.

Running away like prisoner’s faced with an open door.

Sometimes we imagine, imagine, imagine and predict an outcome based upon what we perceive we desire.

Sometimes we can get messages, visions, confirmations yet fit them together as you would odd pieces out of several jigsaws and try to force them together.

We lay our heart on a track knowing that at any minute a train could pass by, tearing it apart.

We punish ourselves;

Tortuous thoughts.

Yearning.

Wanting.

Needing.

Projecting.

Rejecting.

Hoping to be heard.

To be seen.

To be loved.

Ravaging our minds.

What did we do wrong.

When all we feel we did, was right.

Dear one you didn’t do anything wrong as such.

You saw your magnificence in that of another.

You opened your heart with the greatest of intentions.

You dove into the depths of a wound that needed excavating.

A pattern that needed setting free like an eagle soaring in the sky.

You’ve gained wisdom dear one.

Respect.

Courage.

Confidence.

Worth.

Forgiveness.

Patience.

Discernment.

Honesty.

A lesson in non attachment, being in this moment and honouring your heart.

You’ve learned to feel your feelings and to lay with them for as long as they need.

You learnt the art of surrender, the release of control.

Embracing the discomfort, not trying to hide nor trying to cling.

Most of all dear one, you’ve created more space to delve into, to create more love.

Love that flows.

Effortlessly.

Easily.

With grace.

Passion.

Wonder.

Respect.

A love that flows like waves in the sea.

Unique.

Pure.

Unrestricted.

Pure love that comes from self.

A love that sets you free.

I thank you dear teacher, for training a wiser me.

relationships, Trauma

Numbed by default.

I grieved for you last night, I delved deeply in the numbness and denial that I created.

The denial, the numbness I clung to so I could be strong for everyone else because I couldn’t be seen to be weak, sensitive or real.

It’s 20 years since you left my life, the only person I felt understood me. The one who loved me as a child for all of me. The one who didn’t try to change me and accepted me exactly how I was. My rock, my saviour, my stability and my teacher.

I poured the tears of a vast ocean last night, I cried in terror deep from the pit of my stomach, I wanted to scream and felt such anger boiling through my veins. Such pain, such destruction, such fear. Why did you leave me you were all I felt I had – a broken record repeating in my ever haunted mind.

I mourned for you last night and I mourned for myself because when you left my life, I left my own life. My body lifeless and numb, I didn’t know how to breathe, how to be, how to cope, to feel. I lost my sanctuary and I felt so lost, afraid and alone.

I drank tea today. You used to make the best tea. Fresh from the pot with tea leaves. I’ve avoided tea since you left. I used to bake with you every day and I always wondered why you never ate any of your baking. Nobody could ever bake like you but my daughter she bakes and she reminds me of you so much.

When you left I felt like my whole world collapsed, I felt I could never love again and I deserved to be punished as I couldn’t bare seeing you in hospital lying in your bed so I didn’t see you, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I was told I was selfish and held all that pain guilt and shame until last night. Ravaged, lost, tortured lost in a war of my own body and mind, hating myself so very deeply.

I cried the tears of a vast ocean last night and awoke to feelings that maybe I could love again. I could release the chase, the escape, the push, the pull and the need for control.

I had a wave of certainty this morning that I was loveable and could love again without getting lost.

Always in my heart and forever by my side. I love you. ❤

relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized

Obsessions, loop cycles, addiction and freedom.

ACCEPTANCE.

So as much as people don’t really like to admit these patterns – obsessions, loop cycles, addictions. We all have these in our lives to varying degrees and with regards to people, places and/or things.

This morning I discovered the root of my addictions and obsessions were not just due to lack of connection to self which I previously uncovered and addressed (this unfoldment led to a physical release of unconsciously holding my breath) but on a deeper level they were further held in being unheard and unseen.

I was triggered again last night and started to cry it was such a healthy release with an immense amount of confusion followed by a lightbulb moment! There it was! the thing that was putting me in a looped mind was the lack of response to the situation.

The situation was that in dream state I kept seeing the same man, he also comes up on my social media lots and my soul knows his yet in reality there is absolutely no mutual communication. So my mind and body were at war and I felt like I was going a little insane because of the “I can’t understand what’s going on and why I am feeling this way.” I also know that this sounds pretty strange but hey this is how the universe works, “In the most mysterious ways.”

I knew there was more to unfold so I surrendered to the universe and asked for clarity. I released the person who had been appearing in my life so very much. I energetically sent gratitude for showing me this situation in a simple way and I am so thankful that he had unintentionally triggered my buried feelings, patterns and subconscious secrets through confusion of my reality not appearing as my body was leading me to believe was my truth.

Please note that any time you are triggered it is never the fault of another and it is a gift to accept, integrate and possibly release past events and trauma.

As I woke this morning I was flooded with certain things that had been said to me in 2012-2013, things that in the past had really confused me. They were a confession plus denial yet an element of holding back information at the same time. I realised that not only was that confusing it had always been the answer to my situation that I hadn’t wanted to see.

In 2012 I had a brutal event that led to my awakening.

During particularly brutal life events, the mind reverts to back brain to protect you. This leaves the person unable to fully recall the event mentally or it can be fragmented, not in order nor making logical sense. I likened this to trying to build one jigsaw with a few pieces from several different puzzles. Also what I found is my body knew exactly what had happened and was in a constant state of fear, hyper arousal, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. It did this to also alert me and protect me. The constant looping pattern that I had in my mind at this time was “What happened to me, I need to remember, who was it.” So basically my mind and body was at war plus the added conflict of the confused words being relayed to me sent me into a spiral of alcohol abuse as it was the only thing that allowed me to desensitize my body and mind. This way I could hide in the denial that nothing ever happened rather than facing the truth that ultimately was screaming right at me.

This morning I realised that the root to all this was the “not knowing, yet actually knowing.”

There are some things in life that mentally we cannot always deconstruct, make sense of yet our bodies have an innate knowing.

I know that something else happened to me as a child and this too is the core root of the mental conflict, the looped pattern, obsession whichever you wish to label it. I don’t need to know now though, the actual acknowledgement of where this stemmed from has released literally everything, I felt it! I held my body, my head and thanked it so very much for trying to speak to me, for helping me the best it could. I apologised for not knowing how to listen and then for hiding, denying my feelings and getting lost in a bottle of self-abuse and despair. I apologised for the self harm and mutilation I cast upon myself that I had used as a young adult to cope with the shame, blame, guilt and for being so “bad.” I was raped at 15 and didn’t tell anyone at the time (as I am writing this the core triggers came back to me, flooding my awareness). I remember these events and also being beaten several times previously, all these numbed out of reality. The core thought, belief looped pattern in this “Why do this when you tell me you love me?” and the conflicting story I told myself – it didn’t happen. My body held the memories, knew the truth and that’s where the conflict lies and the looped pattern/obsessions thoughts followed by the natural triggered response of self harm, denial and ultimately addiction. I held these parts, nurtured them and integrated each one back into my being with love and a promise of a safe home.

Today I feel so liberated, so very liberated! It all makes sense now and for the first time since I was a child my body is not tense, defensive or in a state of unconscious terror.

I am mentally and physically free!

I am so eternally grateful for this!

Much gratitude given to my body, mind and soul for never giving up on me. Thank you universe for the answers you have revealed at the exact right time. Pure forgiveness, love and gratitude sent to the situations and those people involved. Today I am so grateful for experiences which have ultimately led to wisdom, unconditional love and the coming home to self. I was never broken nor lost, all I ever needed was my full love and acknowledgement.

Written with love and hope that this too can help another.

relationships

Breaking unhealthy relationship cycles.

The importance of self-love and the destruction of unhealthy relationships.

A primary focus within my life has really been on relationships of all kinds. I’ve got to admit in the past not many of my relationships had been healthy especially the one with myself. I made it my mission to change this over the past few years by making the decision to be single, taking ownership of my life, doing a lot of deep work with my inner child and teen including integration, self-love, forgiveness and full acceptance.

What I have learnt from this thus far in brief;

We attract that in which we are to ourselves.
Until we love, nurture, forgive, support and accept ourselves unconditionally, be prepared to meet someone who will bring those parts to the surface.

We attract a mirror in all circumstances (My opinion). For example; if you treat yourself badly you’ll attract another who treats you badly too.

Take ownership! Break the cycle.

Even when we break this cycle more lessons are brought to the forefront.

Love doesn’t hurt it is the ideals we place upon a person, situation or even an illusion in my case. Non attachment to outcome without detaching, denying and/or projecting. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, open and fully communicative. Taking full ownership of the desires you’ve placed in your very own mind and realising you are hurting because you placed those desires upon another based upon a vision, a feeling, a wish or an ideal. Further uprooting our conditioning, abandonment, unworthiness, being unseen, unheard, shame, blame, guilt, anger, rage, obsessions or any other shadows lurking deep within.

The ideals you wish for a person to have are based upon limitation, lack, dissatisfaction with self or a need to control. To love means to accept another fully as they are without wanting or needing to change a thing. I believe this can be a reality providing both people love themselves, respect themselves fully and wholeheartedly. I imagine it’s an exciting journey of depth, wisdom and not one for the faint hearted as in this space you realise that everything in your life is a manifestation of your own creation which means taking full ownership for your feelings, emotions and actions.

So I conclude if your energy is that of unconditional love, fullness, wholeness, full acceptance of self and being in your power then you shall attract that in another. If you love yourself unconditionally you will see the vibrant beauty in others.

This is a very basic overview of what I’ve discovered thus far and the proof for me is that all my close relationships are great now.

Cycle broke! ❤

relationships

Dissolution of my imagined life.

In this space of despair. Feeling like my whole world is yet again crumbling around me. Trying to hold on yet knowing I need to let go. Everything I have worked on once again crumbled into nothingness leaving me wondering if I am truly on the right path or merely in a state of continuous illusion.

Who am I, where am I, what’s my purpose.

My mind takes over and tries to rescue me, we get lost in the process. I fall deeper into the feelings of lack, not being enough and not trusting the universe or my path. Old, lost emotions and traumas appear like wounds cut with a knife guided by my very own hand. I see these friends are lost and need guiding home.

Deeper, deeper, sinking deeper!

I start to question everything, this holographic life, this game, this existence. Losing myself once more in my self imposed victim stance of reality; why me, why me, why not me?

Continuous thoughts flowing through my mind of a man, of a certain man. This man walks through my dreams, he appears in my mind, the signs, the synchronicities am I losing my mind? The not knowing ravages my mind.

Realising it’s time to go within. Lost yet found in the silence, the place of acceptance of all that shows and flows.

All becomes so clear, so very clear that our immediate perception creates our current state of reality. I see the wealth of the situation, the beauty of the dying, the wonder of the mystery and the explosion of power and wisdom that’s gifted to me and allows me to grow.

My heart space, my saviour, my love.

I realise I don’t need to know, the experience is in each given moment. It is in living, breathing, acceptance. This space, void, time and reality. The mystery is part of the journey not a mere frustration or a block as the mind would lead us to perceive.

Search as we may we shall never find, as there is nothing to find! For what you seek, is already here.

The miracle of life we can’t always perceive.
At times we dream yet don’t truly believe.
Your depth captures my mind.
Like a flash to a light.
Your eyes are as stars.
So captivating, so bright.
I tried to reach out with
true poetic words.
Vulnerable, naked, raw.
Most notably unheard.
For some reason your face appears in my mind.
More so in dream state.
Am I losing my mind.
I surrender the need
for answers just now.
I give up the when’s, how’s
and absorb each moment,
of now!