They say the end is the beginning and the beginning is the end.
I’ve woke up this morning barely able to move in excruciating pain, head banging, pulsing, very awake.
I feel like I’ve been transported back in time and I’m extremely confused.
This past year has been like I’ve lived it from the future then from April 2019, I’ve gone backwards somehow and now at the beginning from when I first started to see life through a more awake lens in 2017.
It’s like I’m being given a second chance to look at things, it’s really strange and the past few days have been crippling and my mind wanted to try to understand everything but I just cannot physically understand.
I’ve been questioning who am I so much of late because I realised through the past numbing of my emotions and dissociation I’ve somehow managed to literally attune to everything outside of me at a ridiculously precise cellular level and completely lose myself, yet at the same time I haven’t.
Previously (yet its been sneaking in again);
Lost in the obedience, compromise, people pleasing, expected role, subservience, self sacrifice, self punishment, controlling inside. Thinking I’m not enough, wondering what’s wrong with me, all the clues of total manipulation and control from systems, manipulation and punishment.
To the dual opposite rebellion, anger, self sabotage, numbing, controlling outside and feeling totally not bothered.
As I reach a central point or so I thought, thrust back into it again.
Is this a second chance to do things differently or a chance to re-evaluate.
What I do notice is I’d lied to myself a lot! All my feelings, pain raw, surging I’m not tempted to hide, distract or fix though, I’m more interested in what they have to say.
I feel seriously angry, totally lost in my next steps in life and not knowing what’s going on or who I am.
Masses of memories, I’ve had lots come up relating to the severe judgement and rejection I’ve faced all my life, being tossed around multiple services like a rag doll and then discarded.
Same pattern in every area of life.
Most definitely the root cause behind addictions, self hatred, self harm, suicide attempts, hiding, wanting validation and obsessions of finding something or someone to fix me.
It’s really strange I’m in this excruciating pain and I’m thankful,
I’m like thanks for showing me what’s been hiding. Thanks for the awareness, thanks for the pain to bring presence into my life.
I see that people don’t mean to hurt others it’s this idea that there’s something that needs fixing when all we really want is to be heard but they’ve denied their own needs so they fix or deny too.
That’s where it started, I wasn’t heard ever! I wasn’t seen! I was an extension of every other person and eventually took on their pain and lives as my own (which I’m aware could be happening right now). I was judged, controlled and then it was reaffirmed through everything I did, deep ingrained looped patterns.
Old records spinning, same pattern different tune.
How can I be better, I must conform.
How can I fix this, I must rebel.
Denying my truth that I’m petrified of living in this world because I don’t fit in, I don’t agree with the masses, I’m scared to speak out, I’m scared of being held captive yet that’s the very thing I’d been doing to myself inside about my past and how I feel about my now.
Telling myself, I’m ok, things will work out.
Truly I’m not ok, I’m scared, I’m scared that I won’t have anywhere to live, that I’m not good enough to have the life I truly want. I’m scared that I’m gonna have to go back and work somewhere I don’t want to, just to live. I’m living in poverty yet nobody cares.
Why on Earth do we pay to live it’s absurd?
I’m scared that people will read this and judge me.
I’m thankful though because I’m here for myself and I am so very aware.
I don’t know how long I’ll be heading backwards to go forwards but I know there’s no rush.
Who am I, I just don’t know and that’s ok.
I have no idea what my next step is, all I can do is pray and start again.
Breathe Bec, breathe.