ONCE UPON A TIME…
It was merely a dream, a fantasy to be on stage singing, acting captivated by the wonder, the props, the scenes, the magic. To be a part of that magic and shine like a star.
As I grew older and older this dream slipped away, I slipped away losing myself and my dreams were so very out of reach. Most of my life unable to trust myself, not knowing what I wanted, who I was or what I enjoyed.
I found myself doing so many things I didn’t want to, pleasing people, enduring unhealthy relationships, wearing a mask, hiding, agreeing, denying, seeking validation, torturing myself and feeling so heart-wrenchingly unworthy of even my own breath. This went on for so very long until one day I decided it was the day I died or the day my life changed forever.
Fast forward to this present moment and my life is so very different. It’s taken a lot of strength to get here! It has not been all glittery and magical and I accept this, I flow with this, I honour this.
As this life cycle is coming to a close ready for new beginnings many opportunities arise. My childhood dream of being a singer and actress in a play is offered to me, the wonder, the excitement takes over. How incredible an audition with no experience this is pure magic, so incredible I am blinded by excitement for my inner child.
The day arrives for my audition, I’ve not rehearsed my gut instinct isn’t very happy indeed and I’m left feeling so confused. I go within searching for answers. I receive an answer I go deeper, deeper, deeper uncovering my truth. Am I fearful? It could be fear as I had been ruled by fear previously but deep down I knew it wasn’t fear, I was no longer in that space, that zest was not there.
Then and there it all came flooding to me,
“Sometimes we seek validation in ways that aren’t always so easy to see.”
I personally thought I always wanted to be on stage to live a life of performing because I loved music, singing and dancing. The truth behind it was I was seeking, looking outside of myself and my life. Wearing a mask, hiding my true self, playing a role, having the structure I felt I needed, being told what to do – discipline. Being a good girl! This basically equated to “Don’t be yourself!”
I longed to be noticed, adored, validated and loved and unconsciously since I was a child I truly thought this was the way I would be.
I realised the gift I had been given in being offered this incredible opportunity in more ways than I could ever possibly imagine. It had made me realise that it’s not aligned to who I truly am and my desires in life.
My realisations/my truth;
I love flowing and having a schedule isn’t flow, I really can’t plan in advance any longer I have to be in this moment. This is becoming so apparent in my life at present.
Singing and acting another’s wishes is personally a role/a mask for me to hide behind. It’s what I had done most of my life! This was an eye-opening discovery into the way I wasn’t choosing to stand in my power and I suppose we can all find ways to deny the truth by going into a safe mode by hiding our true self in the most deceptive forms.
So many more realisations, so eye-opening.
I didn’t go to my audition, it’s not for me anymore. I still sing, dance and create but it’s from flow not force. No need to memorize nor plan its pure passion, pure alchemy and all so very authentically me.
I was grateful for the opportunity, so grateful and the deep discoveries of self that it led me too. I realise that I’m here to lead not follow, to be exposed not covered, to create from flow not force and to stand strong in my truth even if others don’t agree. We are all free to have our own opinions and voice there’s no right or wrong all is perception.
This is what I love about life we are all so very connected yet so very unique.