The end of life, the end of life as we knew it.
Holding on desperately trying to save anything we possibly can and why, why do we feel the need to hold on. To destroy ourselves for the sake of the life we once knew yet we were so desperately unhappy with, discontent, bored, outgrown, uninspired. It’s like trying to fit in those pants that you adored when you were 8 years old, or the body you inspire to have based on a perception, or the life you assume another holds the one you desperately wish was yours. You truly know that deep down it’s not going to happen. You have changed, grown, it’s not you or maybe it never was.
We try to salvage the last remnants of what was; the broken relationships, the destructive memories, the job we hate, the hobby that holds no enjoyment and the dreams we built on an illusion of that which we desired.
We suck ourselves dry and wonder why we are thirsty, lifeless and lacklustre.
Yet we still hold on!
Grasping onto the pain, the torture, the memories, the illusions, delusions, the falsified light.
Why me, why can’t I move forward, what did I do wrong, Am I not good enough. I am a failure, I am unworthy. Projections; I am vile, I am bad news, bad luck etc, why me, I know I am right. It’s not fair Sheila down the Street gets all the luck.
I know what I will do, I will do some positive affirmations to “fix” things. I am incredible, I am successful, I am a millionaire, I have a big house, a dream car, I am a supermodel, I have the body of a God, I am thriving, I have sparkly friends that bounce as they walk and sparkle as they empty their bin.
Digging deeper into denial, forcing self deeper into sadness, into a void.
Ooh a void what can I fill that with, I know I know I can’t believe I never thought this before, I so can’t believe it. I know I will work harder my body is literally falling apart, I resemble a scarecrow, I have slept for a whole 1 hour in a week, I’m pumped on caffeine, sugar, alcohol, snacks and an apple for good luck but I am so gonna work harder. All the greats pushed themselves they say so on motivational videos. I’ve heard them keep pushing, keep pushing you won’t fall you’ll fly.
Stuck in a cycle, unwilling to let go. Torturing yourself further, drowning in a sea of despair, an ocean of quicksand, submerged in a grave of your own making, idolizing the perfect lives that others lead and berating, hating, cursing your own.
I know what I need to do, I need to fix myself! I am seriously going to go to the gym, start eating crispbreads and lettuce, I will do healing videos on loop and it will so put me back in alignment. I am so going to be in that vortex and out of this dark dungeon you watch me next week I will be so on fire you’ll need an extinguisher if you are within in a five-mile radius of my radiant self. I can’t believe I never thought of this before! I am so stupid.
Why didn’t that work OMG, I seriously need help. Right I see that people in relationships are always happy. I know I am gonna find me a relationship but this time it is so going to be different.
STOP! You get the point right?
We are that in which we seek, you’ll never find it as you already are it!
Sink, sink deeper!
Allow yourself to feel, to observe, to be curious, breathe.
Allow yourself to fall, to collapse, to break, to cry, to scream, to shout, to be angry, to be broken.
Stay with it though, stay with the here, the now, the present moment. Observe the feelings and sensations, observe the thoughts allow them to flow by, no need to dissect them or know why you feel this way. Just feel.
Allow yourself to truly feel, no judgement, pure feelings, sensations, contradictions, contractions, restrictions, aliveness, numbness.
All of it feel it, breathe into it. Surrender!
Allow yourself to not know who you are, what you want and to not have it all together…break and break some more.
Rest! Allow! Just be!
Pure acceptance and trust.
Be naked, open and vulnerably you!
In this vast nothingness.
Be true to YOU!
You aren’t broken, you aren’t lost, you never were. You are being born, re-born.
This my friend, is living.
In its fullness, aliveness and unedited rawness.
Feel that LIFE.
THE COLOUR BLACK.
The void of darkness.
Unknown lies there.
An air of nothingness.
Filled with despair.
Calm and still.
Yet rough and wild.
Bless you child.
The colour black.
I’ll hold you child.
Through the weakness, the void.
The void is wild.
You can survive this dear child.
How long will this shall last.
Simmers angers past.
The colour black.
Feel each release.
The colour black
Shall rise you.
Knees to feet.
You are not alone.
The depth of despair.
I cradle you there.
The colour black.