addiction, ascension, change, Community, Connection, Inner child, Intuitive, life, MOVEMENT, musings, parenting, philosophy, Poetry, rebirth, relationships, Revolution, spirituality, Trauma

WE ARE ENOUGH.

I AM ENOUGH.

That deep down core validation.
Deeply deprived.
Unheard.
Unseen.
Not just a dent in the pride.

A soft subtle child.
Yearning for love.
Needing your care.
Feeling they weren’t enough.

The older they grew.
The more invisible they became.
Chewed up, spat out.
Riddled in shame.

Blame a pre cursor.
Before the event.
I need you.
I need you.
A dark dissent.

How could we see you.
We couldn’t see ourselves.
All our dreams on a dust ridden shelf.
We loved you all we could.
In our pain and strife.

We’re so sorry dear one.
There’s no need to fight.

You were always enough.
We didn’t know what to do.
Just one thing we want you to know.
It was never about you.

Bec Hart.

addiction, ascension, change, Connection, Inner child, life, musings, philosophy, Poetry, rebirth, relationships, Revolution, spirituality, Trauma

COMMUNICATE WITH YOURSELF.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOURSELF.

Seek someone or don’t seek someone.

Seek something or don’t seek something.

Nobody or nothing will ever be enough until you are enough.

Always seeking more.

Always feeling like there’s something wrong.

Looking for the next best thing.

A saviour.

A relationship.

Food.

Alcohol.

Drugs.

Busyness.

Shopping.

A fix.

Healer.

Healing.

New job.

New home.

Holiday.

New life.

Look in the mirror does your heart burst at the sight of your reflection.

If not.

Dig deeper and deeper still.

Until you are so filled even in the emptiness that all you need is to hold yourself more.

In the silence in the still.

There is not a thing wrong with you.

You just lost your connection.

To you.

Only you are worthy enough to fill that void.

With your breath.

Bathe in your deep love and forgiveness.

With your unlimited nectar drenched presence.

You are enough.

It’s time somebody told you.

I am not that one.

That one and only.

Is and always has been you.

Bec Hart.

addiction, ascension, change, Community, Connection, Intuitive, life, MOVEMENT, musings, philosophy, Poetry, rebirth, relationships, Revolution, spirituality, Trauma

LOVE IS NOT A GAME.

LOVE IS NOT A GAME.

I like many have been taught love was a transaction.
Feeding a loss of self to gain the nurturing love needed in childhood.
Not heard.
Not seen.
Not met.
Punished.
Rewarded.
Used as a weapon.
A war with and sometimes without words.

I took this love into adult relationships.
I taught my children this love.
Nobody to blame.
A pattern passed down family lines like Nanna’s trusted knitting magazine.
Seeking and fixing, losing and finding.
Raging blood boiling.
Jealousy rising.
Submissive demands.
No need met.
Control, manipulation
Victim.
Perpetrators.
Where we play both roles.
Sex used as a weapon.
Demons wild in this role.

Let me affirm.
This may be what you are used to.
Enduring.
Allowing.
Gripping onto.
Running away from.
Always two dancing the tango yet tangling.

This is not love!

This is war!

A bleed through of wounding.
Where two halves actually create a hole.
Not the whole we were sold.

I craved the attention of those that couldn’t meet my needs.
I sought and sought and destroyed myself feeling I was not enough, they were not enough.
Life itself became unbearable, not enough.
At times I tried to take my life.
A pattern failed by self but seen so successfully in others.
I saw it as I was even a failure in that.
However I could always harm myself, that became second nature.

Years ago I made the decision to choose me, my crying children within and without.
I chose to live, I chose life.
However it’s not a quick fix.
An instant recovery.
One discovery and my life was different.
Oh no, no.
I’ve run when I needed to stay.
I’ve stayed when I needed to run.
I held on so tight that I not only lost myself, separated myself, I totally destroyed my true self and all of my inner joy.
What is joy, it’s been so long dear friend I’m ready to meet again.
In this now.

I rejected my own wants and needs for those who rejected me.
Those who also felt rejected or Maybe even smothered at times.
Met with apathy.
I projecting desperation.
Yes to no’s.
No to yes’s.
Boundaries with no lines.

Neither of us wrong.
Yet neither of us right.
Just two broken children recreating childhood needs.
Abandoning themselves for the love they feel is sought, earned, gained.
Never met, reached, touched.
Always touched by addictions and distractions though.
Catch 22.
Where you are the ball.
Pinball.
A free game with unlimited plays.

To my self, children, ex partners.
I am deeply sorry.
You would never have been able to meet my needs as I couldn’t meet my needs.
Just as I couldn’t meet yours.

Abandoned by a whole family yearning love yet not truly knowing what it was.
Carrying so much unnecessary guilt, grief, shame, pain, self loathing.
I see now.
I hear now.
Love is not a craving.
It’s my essence.
I choose to meet me.
All of me.
In time.
I will meet he who can also meet himself.
Who desires to evolve and rise.
Learning as we consciously face our inner needs seperately yet together.
Unconditionally yet not without presence.
Putting our own needs first.
Speaking our truth without fear.
Allowing our differences.
Being ok with that.

There is no rush.
There is no reward.
There is no fight.
There is no war.
There is no guilt.
I invite my inner child.
To come out and play.
Where she once knocked on locked doors, abandoned houses to gain a friend.
She now answers the knocking on her door.
Her heartbeat.
Her call.

Yes, I have needs.
I deserve to be met.
In the middle.
First I needed to honour this fully.
Ending the game of hide and seek.
The approval of my parents.
Intimacy I am.
Into me I now see.
I am sorry to you.
I am sorry to me.
Today marks the end of this game.
I’ve gone back to the beginning at the end.
I’ve set myself free.

Bec Hart.

addiction, ascension, change, Community, Connection, Intuitive, life, MOVEMENT, musings, philosophy, rebirth, relationships, Revolution, spirituality, Trauma

JUST LIKE AIR.

JUST LIKE AIR.

When focusing in on what you have got, haven’t got.
Where you are or you aren’t.
What you can do what you can’t do.
What you can have what you can’t have.
You, we, I are suggesting that we are those things.
An identity as such.
This causes separation.
A feeling of loss, loneliness and something missing.
Whether you have, haven’t.
Are or are not.
Realising that with or with out these “things” we are the same person regardless of what we do or are.
Realising in each present moment we just are.
Accepting what we choose or don’t choose doesn’t define us, it’s an experience which we are a part of yet not of.
Intertwined yet no merging bleed through.
We can be present fully with our experiences without judgement or loss of self.
I may drink alcohol today, I may not.
I may exercise today, I may not.
I may cry today, I may not.
I may be in a relationship, I may not.
Neither defines me.
I am my self regardless of all.
There is a mid point.
A point of acceptance.
Its where all dissolves yet all is present.
There is no definition.
It just is.
We just are.

Bec Hart.

addiction, ascension, change, Community, Connection, Intuitive, life, MOVEMENT, musings, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

THE MIDDLE WORLD.

THE MIDDLE WORLD.

On my journey I previously thought and felt I needed to overcome my past, this kept me looped in shame, blame, fear and guilt.
Do things differently, act differently, be more normal, do more, have more.

I sought and sought and sought from others than which I felt I couldn’t give myself.
That which I was never given by those who also couldn’t give it to themselves.

When they couldn’t provide this, I’d feel inadequate and I’d seek more, need more, do more, so busy all the time, lost in my mind.
I realised that there was only me and me only that could fill these many inner wounds, voids, portals.

That was completely after self destructing in many, many ways.
I’d judge myself in such an abusive way that it could only manifest into my life as an external reflection.
A gift to show me, to mirror back to me that which I was doing to myself.
Only then I’d punish myself more, loop in cycles of looking ouside of myself for something, anything to fix me, accept me for being such a bad person, Mother, Friend, Lover.

Looking for a label to identify with as I didn’t know who on earth I was.
I wasn’t allowed to be anyone other than beautiful or ugly, thin or fat, good or bad or an extension of what was considered ok.
I’d dumb myself down and change who I was in every situation to be accepted, this fragmented me further, I was far from home.

My life had taken me to extremes, huge extremes!

In one world I was extremely fragile, lonely, lost, destructive, traumatised, hypersensitive, wreckless, suicidal, self aggressive, angry, unfaithful, self absorbed, paranoid, jealous and I ran and ran.

In another world I was a chaser, numbed out, dependant on alcohol, dissociative, depersonalized, desensitized, trying to fix myself, looking for validation, repressed, petrified, in total denial, fixing others, oversharing, hidden and withdrawn, addicted to anyone who could possibly accept the car crash that I was – “the crazy one.”

Always seeking the invisible man.

One time I was so dissociated I didn’t feel my arm was mine and I felt it needed to be cut off, shit got that scary, so scary.

I’d so truly hearbreakingly rejected myself and my truth that much.

I didn’t know what a boundary was and I feared being shut down each time I tried to speak.
On reflection I realise the only person who could ever accept, love, heal, integrate all of me was me and has been me.

It’s been the most incredible journey inward, inward home.

It wasn’t always that way, I looked to services to assist, I was looped in systems for over 20 years!

They really didn’t understand and I now know that they have honestly been the greatest God sent power in my life as I realise nothing external to me can ever, ever give me what I needed, which was and is me.

They could never help, they tried with the resources they had which was a circle not a spiral, a never ending loop.

This journey, experience, life, I realise now has not been push or pull I thought it was yet the return of what I sent out to my existence.
An experience of it’s infinite return.

It’s the wholeness of the door opening and closing both at the same time and the breeze that is received when the door is equally opened yet closed.
When life isn’t black nor white, it’s colour.
When things aren’t good or bad they just are and it just is.

When you’re not in the cosmos nor deep in the dirt yet you’re equally connected as both, you are the embodiment of the stars, the roots and the inwards and outwards breath of the air.

The middle world.
Where life is found.
Your self is lost.
And your heart is your home.
I always get lost there.
Lost yet found.

Bec Hart.

addiction, ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality

RE-LIVING OLD WOUNDS THROUGH A NEW SIGHT?

QUESTION TO PONDER.

Am I bringing myself back to in each present moment, when creating and living.

If you place your past experiences all of them in your past for just a moment, no labels, any niggling thoughts of needing to fix, heal yourself, the world, another.

If there were no feelings of inadequacy, needing to be seen, loved, understood, validated.
If there was no need to provide, be more, do more, have more.

Stripping the brutal lies of who you were told you are. Your (THE) labels, illnesses, your mission, the lies and conditioning you thought were or are you, your natural essence.

Allowing the tower to fall into an expanse of nothingness.

If you for one moment sit, sit still in this moment, breathing, listening to life, feeling life, fuelling life and flowing as life.

In this moment feeling your incomparable wholeness, eternal wealth, source dripping nectar fuel beingness oozing into your external reality from within.

What’s that SPACE of creation, what’s that passion fuelled nourishing wholeness looking and feeling like – fresh days, fresh waves, fresh ways.

Creation from passion.

A new way/wave of BEing.

Bec Hart.

addiction, ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

CRACKED OPEN FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE.

You’ve hidden the traumas, repressed your feelings and emotions. Denied your pain, dissociated from your reality, escaped through addiction and separated from yourself and all. Reality strikes, it’s a very long, complicated journey home.

Just when you feel you’ve got somewhere after years of deep change, through so many ways of listening to your body, your intuition, break ups, breakthroughs, self hate, self love, overcoming chronic health conditions, not seeking to escape and seeing the light in the dark and the colours inbetween.

Life is not going to become a magic carpet ride with rainbows, fluffy clouds and dancing unicorns.

When you’ve repressed so much it takes a lot to break you open, to crack down the walls, to expose the stomach riddled shame, the blame, the guilt, the deep crushing unworthiness and the projections/assaults of integrity you took on as your own because you thought you were damaged, evil, bad, ugly, crazy. Finding that it’s forgiving yourself that’s the most intensively, raw, radical gift yet so difficult to accept, to do, to be.

It’s not just trauma, pain, toxins, destruction held in the mind but also held so very deeply in the body. Through the organs, tissues, cells. There are no quick fixes, it’s painful, frustrating and irritating but there is however vast amounts of wisdom, humbling gratitude and radical love and compassion to be found. There’s creativity bursting through the inspiration of the cycles.

Life brings on more events not to punish you but to break free the repressed life, the hidden sensations, the barriers, the blocks, the walls. To free the pain, to melt the numbness, to crack your heart open and expose the hidden powerlessness. The victim, the perpetrator, the child, the teen, the broken adult that once was and the powerful, unwavering light that now is.

Allowing you to take ownership, to allow for all and breathe into the life, breathe into the vulnerability, the sensations. The deep, dark, driven depth of all that we unconsciously created to avoid this very moment where our world feels like it’s crumbling into a pit of despair.

Only to breakthrough the illusion on your quivering, lifeless, weak knees to realise in having nothing we have everything. In losing everything we find all. In this darkness there has to be light.

Today may feel like death. Your world may be upside down, you may feel so alone. You may have regrets, feel you could have done more.

Dear one place your hands on your heart and feel your heart beat, feel the breath; cool – warm, cool – warm, cradle your arms around your quivering body and look how you’ve not escaped this time, feel that deep love and acceptance, the worth that you are and always have been.

You’re here alone yet never alone, held by all. You didn’t abandon yourself, did you! That’s true strength and power.

Knowing that today may feel like death. Endings, raw nerves piercing through your bare, fragile skin. Allow for this but know at some point soon death brings fresh life, your story is not over, it’s just begun.

Observe how alive you are in this moment, no judgements good nor bad just an experience, one of many. Filled with colour, so very many colours, lessons, aliveness.

This is life.

Life bursting through the seams.