relationships

Dissolution of my imagined life.

In this space of despair. Feeling like my whole world is yet again crumbling around me. Trying to hold on yet knowing I need to let go. Everything I have worked on once again crumbled into nothingness leaving me wondering if I am truly on the right path or merely in a state of continuous illusion.

Who am I, where am I, what’s my purpose.

My mind takes over and tries to rescue me, we get lost in the process. I fall deeper into the feelings of lack, not being enough and not trusting the universe or my path. Old, lost emotions and traumas appear like wounds cut with a knife guided by my very own hand. I see these friends are lost and need guiding home.

Deeper, deeper, sinking deeper!

I start to question everything, this holographic life, this game, this existence. Losing myself once more in my self imposed victim stance of reality; why me, why me, why not me?

Continuous thoughts flowing through my mind of a man, of a certain man. This man walks through my dreams, he appears in my mind, the signs, the synchronicities am I losing my mind? The not knowing ravages my mind.

Realising it’s time to go within. Lost yet found in the silence, the place of acceptance of all that shows and flows.

All becomes so clear, so very clear that our immediate perception creates our current state of reality. I see the wealth of the situation, the beauty of the dying, the wonder of the mystery and the explosion of power and wisdom that’s gifted to me and allows me to grow.

My heart space, my saviour, my love.

I realise I don’t need to know, the experience is in each given moment. It is in living, breathing, acceptance. This space, void, time and reality. The mystery is part of the journey not a mere frustration or a block as the mind would lead us to perceive.

Search as we may we shall never find, as there is nothing to find! For what you seek, is already here.

The miracle of life we can’t always perceive.
At times we dream yet don’t truly believe.
Your depth captures my mind.
Like a flash to a light.
Your eyes are as stars.
So captivating, so bright.
I tried to reach out with
true poetic words.
Vulnerable, naked, raw.
Most notably unheard.
For some reason your face appears in my mind.
More so in dream state.
Am I losing my mind.
I surrender the need
for answers just now.
I give up the when’s, how’s
and absorb each moment,
of now!

relationships

Who am I? Who are you?

The question posed so very many times, to you, by you or at you?

A question we search oh so deeply to find. The parts rejected in doing so as we shan’t ever admit our darkness in its true light for fear of shame, blame humiliation, rejection which further dissociates us from our true self. The parts rejected in us by us that are so bright, so light, so unique for fear of being noticed, envied, scorned or glorified. So we stand stale in the normality of our masked self, conditioned self, brewing into a raged tornado of projection or a deep pit of self tortured despair.

Who am I? Who are you?

Unmask yourself dear one! There’s no need for a label, no need to hide behind lies, denial, abandonment and rejection. No need to play a blame game of victim vs perpetrator. No need to prove who you are or what you are worth. In this life we wear all facets. We may have been or are to be “The bad one or the good one” and hiding behind a mask only highlights this loss of self further.

Take off your mask, be free, be bold, be alive. Accept yourself in all your glory, merge what you perceive to be both dark and light and honour your power. Free yourself of the constraints of the societal norm, the self-imposed jail, the numbing of the soul. Choose to be, do and have all that you can be.

screenshot_20181220-165718_geulgram6518800641917623430.jpg

We were not born to be tortured, we were born to live. Free yourself, fly high!

Born to shine.

I am different.
I have never fit in.
I have never fit in the box.
I never liked the box.
If I was given a box, I would create a sphere.
I’m not black nor white.
I am however multicoloured.
I am extrovert yet introvert.
I am boring yet adventurous.
I am everything inbetween.
I am shy yet outspoken.
I am quirky yet bland.
You won’t figure me out.
I am a mystery.
I make you feel something.
I am depth.
I am unique.
I am bold.
Can you handle all of me?
As I am.
Unapologetically ME.

relationships

Let go! Why let go?

Thoughts of you in my mind.

Are our thoughts locked and intertwined.

Struggling to find peace herein.

I take time out, to go within.

Discovery awaits.

Let the journey begin.

Trying to make sense of something that cannot be justified, analysed and conceptualised by the mental mind. Trying to walk away yet the body says don’t run, it’s real! Looped in this sequence of the unknown, yet the soul seems to know.

Let go! Why let go? It doesn’t go!

Choose to accept, to love deeper, to fill your inner being with radiant love. Breathe, feel, taste, touch, smell, hear. In this void there is everything. In this feeling of lack there are riches beyond your wildest dreams. In this confusion and chaos there is certainty and sanity.

Feeling those feelings, sensations and reactions. The fear, blame, shame, guilt, rejection, anger, frustration and obsession and lust.

Chase, retract, chase, retract!

Holding yourself closer, tighter with more love, compassion, breath, honesty. Feeling all there is with no judgement, no ideal, just love.

In this beauty there’s no need to attach nor a need to “Let go.” In this sacred space there is peace, clarity and trust in the concealed.

Unlocked.

No need to seek.
No need to find.
No need to run.
No need to hide.
For all you seek lies deep within.
Unlock the secrets.
Lets begin.
A simple word between two.
Lies the clarity between I and you.
For on this day I shall believe.
Our ancient words.
Shall not deceive.
A sacred path in us awaits.
Unite we shall,
To unlock the gate.

Bec Hart.

relationships

Transforming self hate into naked, empowered, womanly wholeness.

You are such a lovely girl why do you always attract these types of relationships, is there something wrong with you?

Well I am here to blow the roof off how I used to feel regarding toxic relationships and explain to you why in my eyes these relationships occur in the first place.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the ugliest of them all.”

Oh well of course that used to be me! Growing up I was severely tormented and shamed regarding my adult looking body. Approximately aged 9 I had developed breasts and hips and I had a very womanly figure, as I went to high school this only escalated furthermore and I was bullied a great deal. I remember being on diets age 13, exercising way too much or not at all, literally breaking down crying in the mirror each time I looked in it, I really did think I was so big, worthless and really ugly. I did not fit in anywhere and I was really mocked for my sensitivity. I was left feeling like there was something seriously wrong with me and this led me to look for love outside of myself.

Age 18 I found out I was pregnant and it was definitely a shock to my system, on the pill at the time I thought there had been a mistake but no there was no mistake I was pregnant. This proved to be an experience that affected my body even more so, stretch marks, saggy boobs, I even assessed my under carriage as being unfit and the irony of this as I’d had an emergency c/section.

The boys I was in relationships with didn’t really treat me very well nor did the men…..HOLD UP! (I’ll come back to this). So time went on and my relationship to self got poorer and poorer I longed to be “fixed” by cosmetic surgery and trust me I would not have stopped if that had ever started. The relationships I was in were very toxic – I wonder why that was? Lots of trauma, lots of abuse, lots of alcohol, self harm, suicide attempts, you name it, I hated myself enough to do it. Round and around in these looped circles and cycles, I would get out of one then throw myself into another and it got worse and worse, I truly was a victim.

Reclamation.

The beauty that I am.
I never used to see.
A torment of disgust.
Warring within me.
A blade that slashed my flesh.
A barrage of wounding words.
Mirrored by those who treated me poorly.
I rejected my pain – truth unheard.
Projected guilt and shame.
Ate away at me.
I numbed myself with alcohol.
Self corrosion and destruction,
as clear as day to see.
Left begging on my knees in pain.
Just before I took my life.
I surrendered all to the universe.
On that day, I was handed LIFE.

February 2nd 2016 I literally got on my knees crying, bawling just a complete and utter shell, drinking to numb the pain yet my body rejecting the alcohol, I had two choices death or life. I begged, screamed, surrendered and prayed for help, I couldn’t do this by myself, I seriously could not take this anymore I was dead yet I walked around barely alive. From that day forward I never looked back, little by little I grew and I lost a lot of people, places and things. I worked hard on noticing my destructive patterns but yet I still could not move forward in myself as a part of the relationship I was in, so I decided I needed to do it alone. I found that being single was the best decision I ever made and from this I realised I was so very co-dependant. I attracted these people into my life as they were a mirror in so very many ways and ultimately they really did help me and for that I am truly grateful. I discovered they mirrored the way I treated and felt about myself. Equally in these types of relationship I discovered that we triggered the unhealed traumas both I and they had dismissed throughout our lives. That is the point of attraction and destruction in an abusive relationship, two unhealed parties denying their truth, denying their shadow sides which are ultimately shown outwardly in their partners light side and vice versa. It took me a long time to see the truth and a lot of heartache, arguments, rejection, obsessions, loop patterns, traumas, denial, alcohol abuse and a lot of harm to myself. All hidden by a beautiful smile, people pleasing and very visible eyes, of the living dead. Ultimately the shift came when I took back my power by taking ownership of my life and my part in its destruction.

The photo below is me today honouring my beauty within and without, zero make up, no filter, just purely a flash and a photo taken on my phone. I have worn make up every day since I was 12 years old, so this for me is now an extremely wonderful, liberating experience. Each and every day I show myself as much love and nurturing as I possibly can. Each day for the past 2 years I have learned to be kinder to myself, to honour myself, to find out who I am, to forgive myself and to strip my being of my conditioned ways. I have learnt so very much about myself and the most difficult one had been “the art of letting go.” Some people aren’t meant to be in our lives forever they are just here to teach us what we need to grow and I realise that now, I see this now. I’ve arrived at a point in time were I do not need a relationship nor another to make me happy. When the right person comes along I do know that I am in a place where I can love not destroy nor lose myself. How do I know this? I do not need to ask outside of myself, I can communicate clearly, my emotions are not in control, I reflect and look at the higher perspective in life, I accept myself and others and do not need or desire to change them and I do not strive for perfection. I am so grateful that all of my close relationships are extremely healthy and my relationship to self is my focal point. I love the person I now am; the real me, the lady who is true to herself, who does not conform to a specific way of being, the fearless one who accepts herself totally and fully shadow and light combined – I am whole and I know what I desire and who I am and I will not dim my light for anyone else.

If you too can relate to any of this, please do know it can all change for the better if only you make that choice to jump out of the loop.

I have not created the person I am! I stripped myself bare of what I was not and continue to discover that which fuels my creative passion.

This to me is the art of living and loving life.

As always with love,

Bec.

Uncategorized

Manifesting your reality – Wow I’ve manifested my dream career (from last year).

Manifesting really does work!

I started to consciously manifest mid 2017 and I was told to “Start off small,” (the words which came back haunt my existence). I had so many dreams, plans and ideas all of which I definitely wanted in my life and I was so going to get them. Every new moon I’d write what I desired, I was so terribly excited. I create a vision board every 6 months (I still do this), I would feel into the dreams I had planned several times, I would watch motivational videos and all was well in my world.

I started to see results! Yippee!

20181205_1426377464491913038458704.jpg

Don’t get me wrong I have manifested some remarkable things into my life but I have also manifested a career based upon who I was and not who I truly am, a multitude of opportunities that were not aligned with my values and financial freedom.

YES financial freedom, you read that right! Financial freedom = To be financially free – free of finances, as in I had manifested having no money. Also being so consciously aware I couldn’t help but laugh as I knew I had done it when my lightbulb blew my vision and mind.

So here are a few tips;

☆ Start small.
☆ Meditate before you manifest
☆ If your mind isn’t clear your vision won’t be either.
☆ Your dream job may not be your dream job in the future especially if you are going through multiple shifts.
☆ Manifest from passion not desire/lack.
☆ Choose your wording carefully.
☆ Do not keep changing your mind.
☆ Keep it simple and specific.
☆ If you are healing and/or working on de-conditioning, allow yourself time to heal before manifesting business (BUSYness) in.
☆ Be extremely clear in what you want.
☆ Ask for kind, loving, smooth transitions.
☆ Like attracts like! If you are not in your power and a place of unconditional love be very careful manifesting any romantic relationships in.

So many lessons learned!

This period of my life has created so very many lessons, wisdom and a huge amount of gratitude for what I do have in life. I believe that there is wisdom in all, everything truly happens for a reason and it is so important to take accountability for everything that has happened for us by us! For we are the creators!

Stuck in this space.
I wish to scream.
My eyes so bloodshot.
My aura green.
Those dreams I had.
The plans I made.
The foundations laid.
All options played.
My mind so dense.
My thoughts bemused.
A year later.
My dreams came true.
Yet no longer were they aligned.
Now my creativity lost and confined.
Where shall I go from this manifested space.
I don’t wish to be the role I made.
I’ve stripped those layers.
I’m fresh, naked and new.
What creations can now be birthed?
For I’ll start anew.

Uncategorized

Trauma – A blessing; Return to wonder and wholeness.

Here she is!

When I was born into this beautiful world, I was created in the eye of perfection. A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness. Captivated by all I encounter. Every sense stimulated, engaged, such wonder and excitement.

As time passed these wonders deteriorated, diminished. The senses lost their original edge at some point in time becoming over and under stimulated. Each word, opinion, view, belief held within the body and mind. Each experience altering our natural states of existence. Each relationship paving the way for the next; lessons to be uncovered, or avoided. The good, the bad and the ugly. Truths exposed within and without. A way of making or breaking you, strengthening you, uniting you or separating you further. Things that once seemed such fun and exciting now fill you with apprehension, doubt, fear and dread. The nurturing yet clouded love of another shaping your current and future reality. Do they intentionally impose their way of being onto you. Do they pass on their beliefs, coping, avoidance, ideals and rules to harm you, to punish you? Of course they only know what they too were taught as once upon a time they too were, “A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness.”

As I exploded into this world I wasn’t looking at my weight, my shape, my cellulite, my deficits, your deficits or debating which goals I should set so I could pull myself to pieces to achieve or unconsciously sabotage my progress. No these most definitely were not apparent within my little, cute existence of babydom.

Years pass by, the trauma, the terror, the torture, the pain – Ravage my body, my mind, my senses, my inner and outer universe. Senses so hyperaroused that I fear the slightest thing that enhances them, fearing myself and life itself and all that is. I conclude that there is something seriously wrong with me, there must be, I’ve been told this the entirety of my existence thus far. I find ways to torture myself, to numb the pain, to deny, to reject, to hide, to deceive not only in the face of another but within myself. I am so coherent, passive yet at times so very reactive. I found myself doing all I could to please another, to hide this ugliness that I am, this evil person birthed into this world. Trying to control anything that’s safe to do so, to minimise triggers, pain and explosive behaviours.

Trauma, more trauma, countless traumas, always me, why me? I must deserve this! Boom! My body screams no more, no more it shuts down I feel the switch from hyper arousal to hypo arousal, my body screams in a voice unheard but definitely felt. The collapse of my body systems, senses, emotions. Ravaged by it’s own protective mechanisms, the hormones like poison to the vessel and all its components. The numbness, the nothingness, the exhaustion, the shell of a body that can even function enough to move a finger. How could life do this to me? “The victimhood.”

The comeback, the rise! As I observe I am non reactive, a thought pattern concurs; What if I unlearn all I have ever been taught, everything I have developed to cope, learn to slow down and learn to love myself.

Life does not punish us, we punish ourselves! Feel into that “We punish ourselves.” How does that feel. I know that my life has displayed the law of cause and effect perfectly, at it’s finest I’d say.

As I reflect and observe upon each trauma, I see my truth, my reality. I see the multitude of gifts they brought into my life. I see the beauty of the cycle of life, the wheel, the seasons, death, rebirth, the lessons, the growth, the despair the fun, the colour, “The experience.”

As I lay here, a naked soul.
Unconcerned by;
Perception.
Reflection.
Yesterday.
Tomorrow.
The reality of another.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I am a little bundle of joy, love and light.
Captivated by all.
Senses stimulated, engaged.
Such wonder, excitement,
Illumination, depth.
I smile.
I see.
I feel.
I hear.
I taste.
I touch.
I love myself – unique, perfectly imperfect.
At this moment not only am I reborn,
I am love without condition.

Uncategorized

Passion and joy are found in the deep, darkness of our cores – Contemporary dance is my liberation, my therapy.

The power of dance is beyond the limits of my mind, when I dance my heart takes the lead. My whole body ready to venture into the depths of each moment of my life; The smiles, success, beauty, loss, tragedy’s, traumas and terrors. Deep into an abyss of the unknown. The memories held and repressed within the imprint of each cell, each individual part, my whole being in its entirety. My ears absorb the depths of the frequency, the delicious vibrations that are sound, as the music envelops each molecule in the room, I venture into another world.
I lose myself yet find myself simultaneously.

This is magic, pure magic, alchemised into something that words could never elucidate. In that very moment where my body is driven by my soul, I am burrowing through my deepest fears, freedom is found, I am unbound, lost in the love of unbridled despair. Transmuted, transformed into an unchoreographed masterpiece of movements, fused with both darkness and light. Constriction, explosions, rhythm, love and flow. I feel, touch, taste, sense, smell it, I am it. This feeling I cannot view with my eyes but those who watch can.

20181104_0818377748611033164011902.jpg

To be open, lay bare.
To be vulnerable, not a care.
I move my body from within.
I dance with passion from herein.
I take the time to explore my world.
No fear of judgement.
I’m here, I’m bare.
Some say I’m strange.
I just don’t belong.
I say I’m strong.
I know who I am.
I dance to my own song.

We are not born to be small, quiet and repressed within a society of beautiful clones. I chose to live, love, create, to be unique and most definitely make you FEEL something.