ascension, change, God, life, musings, Mystic, One, Poetry, rebirth, relationships, Source

WAITING FOR GOD.

I used to feel like people tore me apart.
Threw me about.
Got what they wanted and left.
I used to feel like no matter what I did,
I didn’t matter.
Regardless of boundaries.
No boundaries.
Change.
Love.
Open heart.
Closed heart.
How great or poor I was;
Financially.
Successfully.
Aesthetically.
As a friend.
A lover.
A partner.
A foe.
Nothing worked.
No thing moved.
Defined.
Objectified.
Denied.
Abandoned.
Unloved.
I realised it was I.
I that did all those things.
To myself.
Holding on to hot coal.
Waiting for it to turn to water.

Art, ascension, change, Community, Connection, Death, God, Incantation, Intuitive, life, Messages, MOVEMENT, Mystic, Poetry, rebirth, relationships, Source, spirituality

AWAKEN FROM THE DREAM.

THE DREAM.

AWAKEN FROM THE DREAM.
THOUGHTS THAT TORTURE.
SEEM.
LIKE LIFE IN A MOVIE SCENE.

BATTLES FAR ASHORE.
PUNISHMENT NO MORE.
CAST AWAY THE SINS.
RELEASE THE PRISON WITHIN.

BREAK DOWN THESE ANGRY WALLS.
BITTERNESS ATTACKS, AS WE PLAY SMALL.
AWAKEN US FROM THIS NIGHTMARE.

TAKE US FREE, IN TO FLIGHT.
THREE FOLD FLAME.
FREE US FROM THE WHEEL OF KARMA.
LET US FEEL AS ANGELS.

OF THAT, WE ARE.
STARS OF HEAVEN.
COSMIC.
DELIGHT.

Art, ascension, change, Children, Community, Connection, Death, fun, God, Intuitive, life, lyrics, Messages, MOVEMENT, musings, Mystic, One, philosophy, rebirth, relationships, Revolution, Source, Spirit, spirituality, Trauma

BEFRIENDING THE ENEMY.

How 24 hours can shift your reality.

Yesterday wasn’t an ordinary day as mentioned in my last blog, I felt like I had gone backwards, way back in time. Way back in time with a totally different perspective yet there were many realisations, many! It wasn’t a very nice place I went to admittedly.

The call for balance in my life was most definitely the most profound realisation, as I realise that I’ve somehow managed to become too focused on within and really would like to be outdoors more and socialising.

Fear was still playing it’s sad song in the background of my life preventing me from coming forward with my gifts, using the same old excuse of, “I don’t know how or nobody needs me, haven’t got a purpose.” Screams of coming last in everything as a child. Although last place/backwards is the best place to be as you get to see everything in full colour and surround sound.

I’d love to know if anyone else does this form of self sabotage to avoid shining in the spotlight (which may never even happen).

Today totally different mindset, I actually received a message off a friend who could truly see me. The power in someone acknowledging you is profound, you feel less alone with it somehow. What impact that has is something I could never ever explain. Just like how I somehow manage to travel around in time, maybe one day I will know more about this but it’s something I’ve done since I was really young. I remember certain events that happened say at 15 then I found out it occurred 10 years later but this was an event for me to remember as it was a guide for what I would be doing later in life.

This has happened to with artwork only for them to come true in my life at a later date or even uncovering past events and the connection between all.

My life feels unusual at times, I feel unusual at times. I’m not sure if it’s because I am or this is happening with lots of people and we don’t speak out because of fear.

I’m here speaking out, I’m not hiding anymore. I love all of me, even in the darkness and strangeness of reality – if there is such a thing.

Heart still a little tender today but I’m breathing and that is truly the basis of life.

I am alive.

ascension, change, Connection, Death, God, Inner child, life, MOVEMENT, relationships, Source

REVISITING THE DENIED HOMES.

They say the end is the beginning and the beginning is the end.

I’ve woke up this morning barely able to move in excruciating pain, head banging, pulsing, very awake.


I feel like I’ve been transported back in time and I’m extremely confused.

This past year has been like I’ve lived it from the future then from April 2019, I’ve gone backwards somehow and now at the beginning from when I first started to see life through a more awake lens in 2017.

It’s like I’m being given a second chance to look at things, it’s really strange and the past few days have been crippling and my mind wanted to try to understand everything but I just cannot physically understand.


I’ve been questioning who am I so much of late because I realised through the past numbing of my emotions and dissociation I’ve somehow managed to literally attune to everything outside of me at a ridiculously precise cellular level and completely lose myself, yet at the same time I haven’t.


Previously (yet its been sneaking in again);

Lost in the obedience, compromise, people pleasing, expected role, subservience, self sacrifice, self punishment, controlling inside. Thinking I’m not enough, wondering what’s wrong with me, all the clues of total manipulation and control from systems, manipulation and punishment.


To the dual opposite rebellion, anger, self sabotage, numbing, controlling outside and feeling totally not bothered.


As I reach a central point or so I thought, thrust back into it again.

Is this a second chance to do things differently or a chance to re-evaluate.

What I do notice is I’d lied to myself a lot! All my feelings, pain raw, surging I’m not tempted to hide, distract or fix though, I’m more interested in what they have to say.

I feel seriously angry, totally lost in my next steps in life and not knowing what’s going on or who I am.

Masses of memories, I’ve had lots come up relating to the severe judgement and rejection I’ve faced all my life, being tossed around multiple services like a rag doll and then discarded.

Same pattern in every area of life.

Most definitely the root cause behind addictions, self hatred, self harm, suicide attempts, hiding, wanting validation and obsessions of finding something or someone to fix me.

It’s really strange I’m in this excruciating pain and I’m thankful,

I’m like thanks for showing me what’s been hiding. Thanks for the awareness, thanks for the pain to bring presence into my life.

I see that people don’t mean to hurt others it’s this idea that there’s something that needs fixing when all we really want is to be heard but they’ve denied their own needs so they fix or deny too.

That’s where it started, I wasn’t heard ever! I wasn’t seen! I was an extension of every other person and eventually took on their pain and lives as my own (which I’m aware could be happening right now). I was judged, controlled and then it was reaffirmed through everything I did, deep ingrained looped patterns.

Old records spinning, same pattern different tune.

How can I be better, I must conform.
How can I fix this, I must rebel.
Denying my truth that I’m petrified of living in this world because I don’t fit in, I don’t agree with the masses, I’m scared to speak out, I’m scared of being held captive yet that’s the very thing I’d been doing to myself inside about my past and how I feel about my now.

Telling myself, I’m ok, things will work out.
Truly I’m not ok, I’m scared, I’m scared that I won’t have anywhere to live, that I’m not good enough to have the life I truly want. I’m scared that I’m gonna have to go back and work somewhere I don’t want to, just to live. I’m living in poverty yet nobody cares.

Why on Earth do we pay to live it’s absurd?

I’m scared that people will read this and judge me.

I’m thankful though because I’m here for myself and I am so very aware.

I don’t know how long I’ll be heading backwards to go forwards but I know there’s no rush.

Who am I, I just don’t know and that’s ok.

I have no idea what my next step is, all I can do is pray and start again.

Breathe Bec, breathe.

change, Death, God, life, musings, rebirth

MUST BE “CRAZY.”

Really struggling with this thing called life.
I feel there are so many expectations of,
Who we are.
Who we need to be.
What we need to do.
I feel I can’t breathe for being taught how to live.

How about just living and dropping the mask.
The judgements.
Teachings.
Psychoanalysis.
The myth of how life needs to be.
The paradox of “authenticity.”

How about you meet me face to face.
Eye to eye.
Foot to foot.
Yes we have a body.
Yes we too are the universe.

Sacred.
Unsecured.
Holy.
Unholy.
Who knows.
Everyone has a different perspective.

How about we ditch the jobs.
Titles.
Accolades.
Labels.
Wake up to the fact we pay to live.
To live on an earth that earth owns.
Work to pay.
Pay to work.
Pay to eat.
Eat to live.
Live to pay.
Round and round.
An un merry.
Let’s not go round.

I could meditate.
Be in the stillness.
Detach.
Dissociate from the game.
Is that not just the same as drowning in it though.

Polarity.
Duality.
Funny thing isn’t it.
Yet not.

ascension, change, Children, Community, Connection, God, life, Messages, MOVEMENT, Mystic, One, Revolution, Source

BIRDS – MESSENGERS – CALL.

I was guided to go outside this morning and God had a message through the birds song.

One bird sang a solo in a field of a divine orchestra, the bird stood out for it’s unique ability to hold many different tones, frequencies and patterns. The bird spoke a message of the connection of all. I noted one of the tones even sounded like the call of a monkey yet this does not mean he/she is a monkey nor did they steal or impersonate this tone. There’s always a reason that things, people, places are different yet not. In the grand scheme of things the bird delivers a message but the whole orchestra delivers the call.

As I spoke to God this morning about my fears of what is transforming in my life and how it’s really not what I expected nor do I feel qualified, Christ gave me these words;

There are no “right’s” in righteousness! Man’s mark is not defined by what he defines as the truth but what I show as truth – Just be.

I wanted to share this message just in case you too are feeling fear of power, fear of judgement,  fear of change and an unconventional path.

The doubt that speaks is not you but that inner power that speaks through a different call, is.

Much love all. ❤

Art, ascension, change, life, Messages, MOVEMENT, musings, philosophy, Poetry, relationships, Revolution

THE TRUTH OF AUTHENTICITY.

I come to the table empty handed.
Is that enough for you.

I cannot sustain distraction.
Can you sit inside my heart and breathe.
Is that enough for you.

I cannot bow to the abuse of power and pretend I am ok.
I do not hate you but I hate what happened.
The return to balance is near.
Is that enough for you.

I have no riches, none.
Broke into birth.
My heart holds treasure.
Is that enough for you.

I cannot promise forever.
I can promise each now.
Is that enough for you.

Authenticity flows with tides and waves.
Up, down, wild, still.
Can you be there in the wilderness.
Can you be true to yourself.
Is that enough for you.

I am barely seen, noticed, successful, heard.
Patterns of past lives playing puzzle.
Little women.
I learnt a new way.
I am overflowing with wealth within.
When times get hard.
Will this be enough for you.

I’m a mixture of shapes, lines and textures.
When you get close.
When you see this over time.
Is this enough for you.

I live life from the inside out.
I am far from perfect.
Wild, untamed, stubborn.
Peaceful, placid, deep.
Contrast of dark to light.
Sometimes positive, others little hope in sight.
Is this enough for you.

Sometimes I want to leave myself.
I choose to stay.
Deeper, deeper, deeper.
Still.
Close to source.
Is this enough for you.

If not.
Run.
I am a wild woman.
Not one for a fearful heart.