ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

Invisibility and shut down during childhood and adulthood.

As a child especially in times of patriarchal society.

We were shown and told to be seen yet not heard.

This was and still can be reflected in parenting, schools, relationships, workplaces and such like.

As a women and very sensitive child I found these ways torturous.

The humiliation, the put downs, the segregation, the inferiority, the sexualized or gender based derogatory behaviours and comments. Feeling like I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t allowed a voice and if I spoke I was never heard or was very quickly shut down.

I feared authority, in fact I feared authority most of my adult life for many I put my trust into failed to treat me with love, care and respect. Mainly as they thought patriarchal ways were normality and continued the spiral of behaviours and justified their ways by being around those who accept this as normality.

I entered, attracted and painstakingly endured countless extremely controlling relationships and stayed in them as I had been taught as a child this was not only normality but it was I who was flawed.

Yesterday as situation was presented to me to address these wounds. I was triggered. My body fearful, my voice shut down, my body trembling in fear. My body switched into a complete sensory overload yet somehow remained able to not numb or run but accept my feelings and speak about how I felt.

It took me back to times in childhood of speaking my truth when something didn’t feel right only to be dismissed and humiliated. As those in authority didn’t wish to see their patriarchal ways or their childhood wounds were they too felt this overwhelming inferiority by their caregivers.

I had a realisation that everytime I spoke out, others were involved – triangulated and manipulated to back up their story, their perceived idea of power. Leaving me feeling more and more humiliated, shamed, broken, lost, pained and overwhelmingly like there was something seriously wrong with me.

I was told how to feel, not listened to how I truly felt this hurt, I felt invisible, unheard, unloved, emotionally unmet. In time I couldn’t name my feelings as I felt that what I was feeling wasn’t the true feeling as that’s what I had been told – after all adults/caregivers are always right.

Yesterday I had an epiphany of what shame and humiliation truly felt like felt and fully accepted and justified by myself, my own mind.

As a child if I had tried to speak out when the dust had settled it was like I had been transported to the set of the Waltons; happy families, schooling etc. Everything pushed under the rug never to be spoken about again.

Only I didn’t feel this way underneath I was tortured, in so much pain, misunderstood and feeling like there must be something wrong as nobody else felt this way. I eventually disowned myself and took to harming myself in many ways as an adult as each time I was shut down I associated it with me being “bad.”

The past weeks this has been shown to me in so many ways on a subtle level but this past 24 hours after being triggered which I’m truly grateful for,

I’ve really submerged into these feelings, thoughts and ways with a childlike intrigue floating not drowning. Allowing all, observing all, accepting all and forgiving myself and seeing that others are hurting too. I’ve not rushed to fix myself, close off my feelings, I honestly still feel quite raw as I write this.

I’ve realised that this was the fear I was holding about moving forward into a romantic relationship as I really haven’t experienced love from a partner in a respectful way.

I realise that for most of my life I have been brutally broken by patriarchy, control and men and women that cannot handle my power, my truth, my beauty, my originality.

In these times I have learned so very much about myself, life and the importance of self respect, self love, being true to myself and my needs.

That balance of my personal divine feminine and masculine, yin and yang is so very important or I too can capture heavy dualistic ways.

I have and continue to master full acceptance, responsibility and ownership for all that arises within me from an outer trigger, a mirror, a teacher.

I know the importance of healing my Mother and Father wounds so I too do not place upon another, my inner wounding as I realise I am the change that I desire.

As the patriarchal males/females placed their Mother wounding onto me and all those before and who stand beside me I write this in the hope that they too desire change.

I vow to commit to never allowing my voice, my being, my body to be shamed ever again. I speak my truth loudly, clearly so that my daughter shall know this is not love. I speak and act clearly to hopefully show my son and other males the way forward. So they do not feel this is normality in the hope that they too will not succumb to these ways and decide to be the change that is already occuring.

To both men and women alike that are making these changes, you are incredible and I bow to you!

To my beloved other, I hope to move forward with you without fear and I ask….

TO MY BELOVED OTHER.

If I ask for your help
can you offer it freely without shutting me down.
Can you hear me.
As I speak.
Without assuming you have all the answers.
Can you allow me to feel.
Rather than tell me how I should feel as it feels less painful for you.
Can you hold space for me.
If I struggle to capture my strength in any given moment.
Can you handle my truth.
My power.
My voice.
Without a need to make me small.
Or shut me up.
Can you accept me as I am.
Without manipulating me into a box to fit societies conditioned ways of being.
Can you handle all of me bare, naked, honest, unkempt.
Without a need to humiliate.
Shun me.
Belittle me.
Or validate yourself by exposing my vulnerabilities through words to others.
As I am not a sheep following old ways and orders.
Can you love me as I am.
Accept me in my wholeness.
Embrace me in my power.
Can we rise together.
No bleed through.
Pure respect.
Equality.
Balance.
Can you handle a strong women.
Can you smile as I rise.
Hold me as I fall.
Equally both as beautiful.
Can you take me as I am.
Can you respect me through all.

ascension, life, relationships

Romance, love and fallacy.

ON ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.

Often I am asked if I’m single, married, taken as if it’s a badge of honour to be projected to the world.

We can feel it’s a necessity in life to be with another as you’re viewed in societal normality as a failure if you aren’t.

Oh dear she/He can’t keep a partner what’s wrong with them.

Ooh they’re single they must be closed off, hard work, unavailable.

Awesome they’re single that’s means I’m in with a chance.

Aww that couple stay with each other through thick and thin, it doesn’t matter that they aren’t happy whatsoever they truly love each other, that’s what love is right?

What if we got it all wrong from the start and we were conditioned to believe in these fairytales, myths, fallacy’s.

What if karmic relationships were here to return us to the state of purity.

What if each relationship brought out the blood, guts and gore deeply ingrained in our deepest core for us to break to be rebuilt and broken again and again until we actually truly see ourselves.

What if we weren’t meant to be with the same person all of our lives as it prevents our personal evolution.

What if these relationships were merely contracts to return us to wholeness for the ultimate unity within ourselves.

To see ourselves as enough, as the love that we are.

Without a need for another to “fix” us, “validate” us or repair our broken or bruised inner child, teen or voided self that is calling out for the love, care, nurturing and acceptance that we can ultimately only give to ourselves.

What if we brought ourselves into wholeness and allowed that time and space for self.

To be happy within ourselves.

To take full authority over ones life, feelings, emotions, disowned parts. Viewing, nurturing, enjoying, accepting and loving inner and equally reflective outer world. What if?

What if we remained whole and found we had no need to seek, to run, to hide and we lay there in our glory; vulnerable, naked, satisfied and whole.

What if you were just one soul that ultimately wanted to be whole alone. One who has love for all and has no desire to be in unity with another.

What if then two whole souls came together drawn by an unexplainable force knowing that this is no romantic comedy or a walk in the park. Yet a union of pure love, to evolve, to rise together as one yet as two.

A relationship starts with self and ultimately ends with self. We are that in which we seek and that in which we are cannot ever be sought and found outside of self.

Love was never lost.

You cannot lose that in which you are.

We do not find love.

We are love.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

I SEE YOU!

As a wounded child we may feel we need to be more, have more, do more. To be accepted by another.

We may also confuse money and worth as they intertwine into a huge ball of shame, blame, guilt and unworthiness in the pit of our stomach.

We may have been bought (as it seemed) for our silence, a bribe, hush money. We may have been treated via Birthdays, Christmas and for being generally good.

We are taught to be in well paid jobs we may not like as this is the ultimate paradise – so much confusion, conflict and dissolution.

This can make us feel unworthy, unseen, not enough or seen for all the wrong reasons and it is especially obvious in relationship to self, others and within our career.

It can lead to us being underpaid, undervalued, controlled, seen as an object, lack of self esteem, loss of self, a void within, dissatisfaction and the need to seek more and more without.

Please know – We are enough!

It was never about us.

Sometimes we are so wise, intelligent and tuned in that it can literally put fear into those around us.

Maybe our truths will bring crystal clarity to others and their true self will be uncovered, inevitably their mask may fall.

Maybe they may have to look at their lives and that means they would have to take ownership and that leads to change.

Change can be scary for some.

Maybe to them this was love, please know they truly tried there best.

They too have deep wounding and conditioning that suggests this is all truth, that’s all they have ever known.

When looking at either our Mother or Father wounding and these aspects it is important to realise our lifegivers tried their best.

We either choose love or fear in all our decisions/actions.

When so heavily conditioned fear comes naturally, it seems the safest option – total paradox I know.

They loved you in the only way they knew how, as we ourselves have done all our lives in many forms, many ways.

We can choose to live through forgiveness and liberation.

We can choose to offer appreciation and gratitude for our lessons and life.

In turn releasing ourselves from our past then finding that all others; mirrors, amplifiers, teachers, true gifts in life will dissolve – lesson learnt, truth embraced and uncovered.

There is no need for us to project, cling or push another away.

Going forth and visualising our inner child, holding them. Explaining you see them, you love them, you hear them and they are wise, intelligent, beautiful. Letting them know and feel that this is wealth, riches, fullness, wholeness – The ultimate paradise.

Ask them to come home so you may stand fully in your power with no need to be noticed, validated, to have material wealth as you are the only validation, wealth and sovereignty that they shall ever need. Allow their body, light, energy, love to dissolve and merge into yours like silk on skin.

Pick up your crown, claim your royalty and shine like the star that you are.

WELCOME HOME.

ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

THE WOUNDED CHILD, SEPERATION AND CONDITIONAL LOVE.

Sometimes we can feel we aren’t love. We may have been told or shown from a young age we are evil, useless, inferior, cursed, dirty, unhinged, destructive, promiscuous, damaged, sensitive, naughty, shameful, ugly or not enough etc.

As children we may have felt we needed to prove ourselves, our worth.

We may have felt like adults as children. Like we were somehow responsible for our elders.

We may have grown up with patriarchy, sexism, racism, homophobia or any form radical bias.

We may possibly feel like a failure as we couldn’t make people love us or we couldn’t fix the situations happening around us leaving us feeling helpless, wounded, open, lost, unloved and in some way “bad or evil.” It can leave us feeling as children we were somehow to blame; the cause, the impediment, the weak one, the naughty one, the inadequate one and the unloveable one.

Situations could have been but arent limited to; lack of understanding, lack of nurturing mentally and/or physically, being invalidated, witnessing a parent with mental distress. Not being believed, emotional repression, witnessing or being subjected to violence or any form of abuse. Being smothered, being placed on a pedestal, life being viewed as a competition, comparison, rigid rules, name calling, humiliation, rejection or being viewed an extension of another inhibiting the ability to discover your true self.

In adult life we may find we try to unconsciously compensate for this by fixing others, seeking others, needing more, wanting more, craving attention, validation, addictions, fear, projections, obsessions, over achieving, self sabotage, hurting others, rejecting others and/or rejecting self. The inability to express or even feel emotion alternatively being in a state of heightened emotional responses.

On both ends of the spectrum we are unconsciously trying to justify our childhood experience, fix our caregivers or make sense of what we did that was so wrong.

Please know that it was never about any of us!

It wasn’t our fault, we were love, are love and always have been love.

Hold your inner child, ask him/her/they what they need, speak to them, nurture them and send them the love and understanding they so desperately needed.

From this day forward choose to be true to yourself, honour yourself, know that you are love no matter what may have been said or done by another or even repeated by you or others on a larger scale within adult life.

We can repeat that in which we do not acknowledge and accept and we shall draw in similar experiences until we accept our earlier years.

Yes it takes time, patience and strength.
There are many layers and it may not be simple. It is however so very, very rewarding and you are creating a new way for our children, their children and our beloved ancestors.

Our elders, caregivers, parents, educators whichever titles used, also learned this conditioned behaviour and passed it on thinking or feeling it was normality.

Nobody is to blame as such.
It is however important that we are accountable for our selves in a loving, caring, nurturing, forgiving way. This in turn it creates a loving outer ripple effect for other relationships in our lives.

Each and every day choose to be the love that you are, accepting nothing less than your worth. You may not be believed, you may be shunned but ultimately you are being honourable to yourself and in turn everybody else.

Yes we may see and feel those that are hurting around us. We may see their inner light, love and beauty that’s hidden away but it isn’t our responsibility to “fix” another, it never was, it never shall be.

To send love to another yet primarily focusing on watering our own garden as such can create a vast landscape that creates a whole new reality.

Today may we choose to immerse ourselves into a deeper state of self love.

Knowing that we are all enough,

We are all equal.

You are love

I am love

We are love

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, relationships, Trauma

Lost and found yet nobody moved.

A deep sadness lurking, hiding in the deep depths within. Inaccessible, denied, rejected, hidden, dark.

Years of torture, self harm, alcohol, self destruction, criticism, people pleasing, unhealthy relationships, suicide attempts to mask the bondage of shame, despair, inner death. Oh and the fake smiles, those fake smiles and jokes about my inherent inadequacy.

The grotesque one – the beast within the beauty. The raging, cheating, unworthy, destructive, shameful, powerless, projective, sexualized, vilified, victimised and in denial liar. The one who punished self and ultimately couldn’t love self or another. The one who raped within self and in turn was raped without.

THE HIDDEN ONE.

A sadness inside.
Unknown source.
A depth of despair.
Toxicity bubbling.
A lava fuelled fire.
Corrosing.
Raw.
Unheard.
Pain that lingers.
Deep within.
Hidden.
Avoided.
Guilt ridden.
Shamed.
Rejected.
Rising.
Acidic sin.
On those days.
A knife I held.
Poison ingested.
Relationships I swilled.
Pure chaos.
Denial.
I bled my own life.
Sadness excavation.
Rising.
To be heard.
No more hiding.
Nor words unheard.
I’m here.
I never left.
I’ll hold you.
Be heard.

Oh my dear friend I am so glad you have taken the time to reveal yourself, now is the time I open my arms and show you the love and self compassion you have always so desperately yearned. The resolve you sought without could only ever be found within.

Let me guide you to love, to loving touch, true happiness, to be and to truly live. Allow me to open the door to the wisdom you’ve gained and reveal that all endured has led to evolution, compassion, pure love, peace, simplicity, presence and acceptance.

First may we speak through our love, I have something to say.

Allow me to hold you as you’ve never been held before, merge our hearts together, as we dance in the dark and dissolve into light.

You didn’t lose yourself.
You never lost yourself.
You can’t.
You are self.
You are still there.
Here.
In fullness.
Light.
Wonder.
Love.
Hiding beneath layers.
Illusion.
Dissolution.
Detachment.
Pain.
Fear.
Shame.
Rejection.
Abandonment.
Numbness.
Denial.
Accept yourself.
All colours.
Each is flow.
All are perfect imperfections.
Beauty spots.
Scars.
Self.
Truth.
Wholeness.
Face the times you hid.
With an open heart.
A compassionate mind.
The treasure lies here.
Within the pit of despair.
The void.
A well.
A key that unlocks your destiny.
For colour is life.
I look at you.
Deep within your eyes.
Pure truth.
My heart.
My love.
I see life.
You are so lively.


YOU ARE LIFE ITSELF! ❤

life

The bed and the birds.

One day I decided to throw caution to the wind and I asked the universe and all that is to help me manifest true happiness into my life.

Knowing and wanting to create change I decided to release what I saw as the old.

I booked a delivery for my good old faithful bed to be picked up. Knowingly not having any money to buy another but really not wanting this personal heirloom in my space anymore.

It’s been a good bed it took me through all my pain, suffering, adventure, lessons and growth. It held many colours but it was time for us to part.

As I took down the bed I felt so many mixed emotions but most prominently a true feeling of liberation. I cleared up my room and lay down a mat, quilt and pillow to sleep on whilst my bed manifested into physical form.

A day or so later my parents gifted me an airbed, it was awesome. I was so grateful and overjoyed to have something to sleep on and I truly felt so many emotions and love for this gift. It took me on a journey of connection as it supported me in different ways and it allowed me to tune into the different parts of my body, the unloved, rejected ones and once I had mastered this the airbed mysteriously deflated.

I took the time to let the bed down fully thanking it for all it had taught me and brought back my yoga mat, quilt and pillows. I placed candles, crystals and a pad around me I kept my curtains open so I could connect both with the sky and earth simultaneously.

I realised just how happy and blessed I am to have this gift, the gift of no gift being given. A new way of being, seeing, feeling. Feeling fully supported and so comfortable in my own orb of joy, I literally couldn’t be any happier. My connection to self grew and the need for anything outside of myself lessened.

From this I realised so very much, there is no lack, there is nothing to search for, freedom and liberation is in non attachment and we already are and have all we need if only we choose to breathe, see and honour life, self and colour.

I chased all in which I wanted.
True gifts I did not see.
In doing this abundantly.
I drew lessons forth to me.
I asked why I was being punished.
In all areas of my life.
I was lost and in despair.
Barely breathing to survive.
Was I not loveable?
Had I been a bad girl?
Did I deserve to be punished?
Why me again.
Why oh why – world.
I lost heart of asking.
From then on I saw truth.
I saw the beauty of each moment.
I surrendered fully to you.
In this colourful space.
The one of sacred joy.
The one of not knowing.
There’s no girl meets boy.
I realised there is no I and you.
We ARE that in which we seek.
Only in seeing truth.
Will our colours be proven chic.

relationships, Trauma

Breaking through an ice caged heart.

I awoke to numbness.

Feeling that I need to cry yet don’t know how to.

Shock, powerlessness, a ball of tightly coiled string tugging war within my stomach.

A bright yellow toxic acid raging between my heart and throat wanting to escape yet it lies there eating me away.

My body shaking yet limp, powerless.
I feel deeper, sinking into self, into the depth of the sensations or lack of.

I breathe life into this numbness, this nothingness, this shell.

Remaining present yet wanting to escape to fly out of my body, somewhere, anywhere else but here.

I lay in the silence, the nothingness, an eerie void cradling my entire body.
I ask my inner self “What do you need to know?”

A thought appears – I AM SO SCARED.

Each trauma flashes before my eyes.
Feelers deeper, sinking deeper, my hands burning trying to melt my ice cold vessel.

I ask, “What can I do to help?”

I see a past version of me, she looks at me in despair.

Many versions of me flash before my eyes, the same pained expression that of torture, raw emptiness, desperation.

I hear “I don’t know!”

I feel deeper into the confusion, terror, fright, dissonance and disbelief.

Further immersing into breath, sounds, smells, sights, textures, tastes.

Embracing each sensation as you would nurture a new born baby, cradled at the chest of it’s Mother soothed by her beating heart.

Deeper, deeper, shaking, feeling so sick. Heat flooding my entire body – is it hot or is it cold, sweat.

Really wanting to escape, dissociate, forget.

I affirm , “You are safe, we are safe, it wasn’t your fault.”

Breathing into the confusion, the pain, each cell of my body.

Reaffirming “You are safe.”

My heart literally protected by a cage of ice, slowly dissolving drip, drip, drip.

Through acceptance emergence, immersed with such heat within.

Such radiance, such love, such purity.

My inner child looks at me with such a confused, saddened expression,

“Then why me, why did they do it?”

I say dear one, for once they were hurting to.

Feeling ashamed they pushed down their feelings till they were numb, lifeless, yet highly volatile.

Underneath it all lay a terrified child just begging for love.

We looked deeply, softly, lovingly into each others eyes.

Knowing then as we merged together, we were so powerful, liberated and filled with love not fear.