As a child especially in times of patriarchal society.
We were shown and told to be seen yet not heard.
This was and still can be reflected in parenting, schools, relationships, workplaces and such like.
As a women and very sensitive child I found these ways torturous.
The humiliation, the put downs, the segregation, the inferiority, the sexualized or gender based derogatory behaviours and comments. Feeling like I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t allowed a voice and if I spoke I was never heard or was very quickly shut down.
I feared authority, in fact I feared authority most of my adult life for many I put my trust into failed to treat me with love, care and respect. Mainly as they thought patriarchal ways were normality and continued the spiral of behaviours and justified their ways by being around those who accept this as normality.
I entered, attracted and painstakingly endured countless extremely controlling relationships and stayed in them as I had been taught as a child this was not only normality but it was I who was flawed.
Yesterday as situation was presented to me to address these wounds. I was triggered. My body fearful, my voice shut down, my body trembling in fear. My body switched into a complete sensory overload yet somehow remained able to not numb or run but accept my feelings and speak about how I felt.
It took me back to times in childhood of speaking my truth when something didn’t feel right only to be dismissed and humiliated. As those in authority didn’t wish to see their patriarchal ways or their childhood wounds were they too felt this overwhelming inferiority by their caregivers.
I had a realisation that everytime I spoke out, others were involved – triangulated and manipulated to back up their story, their perceived idea of power. Leaving me feeling more and more humiliated, shamed, broken, lost, pained and overwhelmingly like there was something seriously wrong with me.
I was told how to feel, not listened to how I truly felt this hurt, I felt invisible, unheard, unloved, emotionally unmet. In time I couldn’t name my feelings as I felt that what I was feeling wasn’t the true feeling as that’s what I had been told – after all adults/caregivers are always right.
Yesterday I had an epiphany of what shame and humiliation truly felt like felt and fully accepted and justified by myself, my own mind.
As a child if I had tried to speak out when the dust had settled it was like I had been transported to the set of the Waltons; happy families, schooling etc. Everything pushed under the rug never to be spoken about again.
Only I didn’t feel this way underneath I was tortured, in so much pain, misunderstood and feeling like there must be something wrong as nobody else felt this way. I eventually disowned myself and took to harming myself in many ways as an adult as each time I was shut down I associated it with me being “bad.”
The past weeks this has been shown to me in so many ways on a subtle level but this past 24 hours after being triggered which I’m truly grateful for,
I’ve really submerged into these feelings, thoughts and ways with a childlike intrigue floating not drowning. Allowing all, observing all, accepting all and forgiving myself and seeing that others are hurting too. I’ve not rushed to fix myself, close off my feelings, I honestly still feel quite raw as I write this.
I’ve realised that this was the fear I was holding about moving forward into a romantic relationship as I really haven’t experienced love from a partner in a respectful way.
I realise that for most of my life I have been brutally broken by patriarchy, control and men and women that cannot handle my power, my truth, my beauty, my originality.
In these times I have learned so very much about myself, life and the importance of self respect, self love, being true to myself and my needs.
That balance of my personal divine feminine and masculine, yin and yang is so very important or I too can capture heavy dualistic ways.
I have and continue to master full acceptance, responsibility and ownership for all that arises within me from an outer trigger, a mirror, a teacher.
I know the importance of healing my Mother and Father wounds so I too do not place upon another, my inner wounding as I realise I am the change that I desire.
As the patriarchal males/females placed their Mother wounding onto me and all those before and who stand beside me I write this in the hope that they too desire change.
I vow to commit to never allowing my voice, my being, my body to be shamed ever again. I speak my truth loudly, clearly so that my daughter shall know this is not love. I speak and act clearly to hopefully show my son and other males the way forward. So they do not feel this is normality in the hope that they too will not succumb to these ways and decide to be the change that is already occuring.
To both men and women alike that are making these changes, you are incredible and I bow to you!
To my beloved other, I hope to move forward with you without fear and I ask….
TO MY BELOVED OTHER.
If I ask for your help
can you offer it freely without shutting me down.
Can you hear me.
As I speak.
Without assuming you have all the answers.
Can you allow me to feel.
Rather than tell me how I should feel as it feels less painful for you.
Can you hold space for me.
If I struggle to capture my strength in any given moment.
Can you handle my truth.
Without a need to make me small.
Or shut me up.
Can you accept me as I am.
Without manipulating me into a box to fit societies conditioned ways of being.
Can you handle all of me bare, naked, honest, unkempt.
Without a need to humiliate.
Or validate yourself by exposing my vulnerabilities through words to others.
As I am not a sheep following old ways and orders.
Can you love me as I am.
Accept me in my wholeness.
Embrace me in my power.
Can we rise together.
No bleed through.
Can you handle a strong women.
Can you smile as I rise.
Hold me as I fall.
Equally both as beautiful.
Can you take me as I am.
Can you respect me through all.