ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

TRAUMA RESPONSE VS A NEW WAY OF BEING.

TRAUMA RESPONSE VS A NEW WAY OF BEING.

Why choose to see things my way when I can see things our way.
In every moment we can choose to look at life from a new perspective, through the eyes of a child, with intrigue, interest.
Through the eyes of another as we are all.
We are all versions of self, mirrors from past, present, future.
Choosing to see ourselves in another, their essence of love.
Allowing a beautiful journey of personal self love to unfold; compassion, acceptance, non judgement, forgiveness.
A flower opening to the sun, ready to bloom.
We can be the one we needed as well as the one we are.
Today I choose to see life through a new lens, a life in the new.
There’s nothing to survive anymore yet everything to live for.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

I UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND.

I understand as I have been each and all in this game of life.

I’ve worn the t-shirt, held a knife.

The blade held upon my arm, to torture myself to cause harm.

The shame, the blame, the guilt, the fear.

I couldn’t love I wore destruction, poured tears.

I wanted to die, I projected pain, I cheated, I lied.

I was Mans Mother’s biggest fear.

I seduced and manipulated, hid the proof.

Worthlessness, pain, the hidden truth.

A victim of torture for most of my life.

Yet also the perpetrator, in this game called life.

So when you look at my light and say, “She’s so bright.”

It’s because I’ve known pain, since childhood.

It birthed my light.

It’s so easy for us to acknowledge the light we hold but today I really want to explore my darkness, I feel it’s time for radical honesty, truth.

In my life I have really been extremely co-dependant, love addicted, obsessed to a point – always wanting what I couldn’t have, it became a challenge. This was to try and hide from my pain, you see when you put your life in the hands of another you don’t really have to take ownership do you. I wasn’t consciously aware of this at the time but I am now. In this co-dependency there had always been so much manipulation to get my own way, to hide from the truth and to deny seeking love elsewhere when the voids weren’t filled any longer.

In my life I have projected pain onto others, lashing out, judging, gossiping, at times quite venomous and apathetic. The constant arguments, the drink fuelled nights to try and numb myself so I didn’t have to truly feel or face reality.

I stayed in extremely unhealthy relationships as I feared being alone, scared to face all I had been told and shown which was that I was not enough, unlovable, thick, fat, bad.

In my life I have been a victim I have been bullied, beaten, raped, used, judged, objectified. I have been punished for things I didn’t do. I have been lied to, denied my truth, left to die. I handed my power and worth over like it didn’t mean a thing because that to me was love.

Long gone are these days but the imprint is still visible, until I speak my truth.

I raped myself through not knowing how to love myself, to be myself, to honour myself.

I take full responsibility for all.

As I merge my shadow and light, my masculine and feminine, I notice that all I was flashes before me. I see it in others, yet I the mirror, the amplifier. I don’t react or judge as I too have been each and all, I do however speak my truth.

It takes a strong person to accept an honest person, someone who isn’t afraid to speak their truth, to say no, to not agree with what is said and be respectful back.

It takes a strong person to admit their faults, their self hatred and uproot all of their wounds. Knowing they will be judged, seen as crazy, unhinged, mentally ill.

It takes a warrior to be naked, raw, vulnerable, to lay bare in the deepest darkness to heal, breathe, live and truly love.

Let us all be strong, let us all be warriors.

For in the darkness, there is pure light.

Through judgement there is understanding.

Through self hate there is the deepest love.

Through honesty, you find truth, respect and worth.

It takes strength to stand in your power and be accountable.

I see I was both victim and perpetrator and everything in-between.

Today I am truth, I won’t deny myself any longer.

I accept all of me.

I’m not perfect, never will be.

I won’t lose myself again.

I shan’t deny myself.

Of this I promise myself.

I just fall deeper and deeper into self love.

Accepting all of me.

A flower opening, to see the sun.

ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

YOU ARE STRONG.

YOU ARE STRONG.

Triggers are blessings.
Yet they feel so raw.
To sit in the dark
In the depth.
Takes strength.
You are strong.

To allow emotions to be felt.
No probing.
No loss of self.
No judgement.
All pain exposed.
To sit with yourself.
You are strong.

To allow the raw, aching heart to break.
To speak, for it does speak.
It yearns to be heard.
It beats strong.
There’s still life.
To openly listen.
You are strong.

You may feel sick.
You may vomit.
The pain may seem unbearable.
Yet it is so alive.
Not bypassed.
Nor projected.
No blame.
You are strong.

In deep vulnerability.
These times of great healing.
You may feel lonely.
You may yearn love.
You may wish to abscond.
Seek another or a fix.
Your love is all that’s needed.
Learn to love, to listen.
Sink deeper.
You are strong.

In raw aching pain.
You may feel there’s fault within.
You are perfect.
There is no blame.
Sink deeper into love.
Non judgement.
Embrace the pain.
This time you shan’t punish yourself.
Breathing with power.
You are strong.

For in this fragility.
Is true strength.
Truth.
Liberation.
You didn’t leave yourself this time.
Presence in the lostness.
You sank deeper.
You learnt to love the darkness.
Your wholeness.
Shadow and light intertwined.
Welcome home.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

ENERGY VAMPIRE.

The energy vampire lies within.

The one that’s hidden, the wounds that get triggered when someone dares to challenge your version of truth.

The wounds from the past not the now, these are merely sensations, your inner child wanting to be heard, seen, understand and loved.

Know if this is playing out as you’ll go into survival mode when you don’t like what’s appearing; fight, flight, freeze.

You can’t maintain a conversation, for then you’ll have to admit there’s still pain within and that’s scary or is it?

People are seen as victims or perpetrators rather than two people that are discovering unhealed hidden wound neither victim nor perpetrator.

There’s a need to seek validation from others or to project.

Just because our inner children feel helpless it doesn’t mean to say we are.

In a situation where two people are triggered, breathe, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, non judgement. Allow yourself to feel into what you are feeling, own it.

Remembering it’s not a competition and you are not responsible for another’s pain, just yours.

Coming out of survival mode takes time, be kind to yourself and know you are where you need to be and you are more than enough.

Allowing yourself to be the love that you are, which you so desperately needed as a child.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, musings, relationships, spirituality

Sinking deeper yet not to drown.

Realising in all that arises;

The confusion.
The chaos.
The questions.
The raw emotions.
The lively sensations.
The bickering mind.
The disconnect.
The loneliness.
The breaking of the walls.
The raw, bleeding heartache.
The urge to seek outside self.
The need to grasp control.

Old dying habits, grasping their last breath.
An opportunity to sink even deeper into self.
To form a bond deeper than the ocean.
Body, mind and soul unite.
As one, not war.
Inner turmoil dissolves.
Melting into presence.
Sinking deeper and deeper into inner velvet.

You got it this time.
You felt it didn’t you.
Lost yet found.
Without ever leaving.
Sinker deeper into self.

A new way formed.
By you, for you.
For all.
A smile of gratitude.
A breath of life.
In that moment.
Feeling the truth of self.
You are love.

Bec Hart.

ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality

Deep honesty and realisation.

I had to basically get real with myself and realise that I’d been still holding onto things that were hurting me; patterns, rejection, fear. The push and pull of self through confusion, frustration plus rejecting parts of my past and my desires.

I was still comparing myself as I kept seeing meme’s of things like; stop holding onto your past, your holding yourself back, you’re the reason your business isn’t working. All a mirror of unconscious beliefs from long, long ago.

I was still feeling pretty much invisible or if visible seen by some for the wrong reasons. Anything I have desired in a couple of areas in my life seems to be a one sided blind failure and I couldn’t understand why.

However I knew that these were my greatest teachers and I brought them all into my life, I take full responsibility. Although I love life and all its experiences, I get frustrated at times and I realised that this is so ok, it doesn’t mean I’m handing my power away or I’m a martyr. I’m just human, I feel all and to allow myself to fall deeper into self love and compassion rather than judgement. I’ve chronically repressed my feelings for so long it was never going to be a quick fix and there is no rush, the journey back home is so very beautiful, even in the devastation but I’ve got to be honest it’s truly so very difficult at times.

I was feeling into the word depression as my past felt like a lead weight.

De (down) pressed (pushed) which to me felt like buried – buried aliveness and I suppose all those years back that’s what I did. I buried my aliveness in all ways as no matter what my response was, it was always wrong.

Reflecting on this further I used to think it was awesome that I was so adaptable, a shapeshifter but I realise now I was trying to fit in, I had no self identity, respect or realisation.

This buried aliveness broke me open yesterday, it has a few times of late but this time was different. I lay on the floor screaming, howling, in so much pain, so alive yet so exhausted by it all. I spoke to myself in love, I accepted all of me, I weren’t going to hurt myself with judgement this time. I felt like giving up, I allowed myself to be pissed off by it all, angry, frustrated and that’s where the magic happened.

I didn’t torture myself for feeling the depth of all my feelings and thoughts, I had repressed this all of my life, no wonder I couldn’t ever feel joy without being hit with a deep dullness, ache. I now realise it’s all the times I’d been labelled, it all came flooding back, “Drama queen, bet she’s made it up, cry baby, you’re so sensitive, can’t you take a joke, attention seeker, always about you, think of your kids, people have it so much worse than you, nobody wants you so do us a favour and go somewhere else.”

I was secretly, subconsciously living in fear of showing that I was seriously pissed off, angry, hurt, rejected and yes I’ve got to admit I had a bit of “why me” and it felt like a bloody good release. I never even noticed I had been holding this in because it was so old, I feel like I’ve lost 2 stone of tension in the space of a few days.

This week I have really stepped up my self love, acceptance, surrender and took more time out for myself. I’ve been make up free for many days which was a fear as I used to be heavily ridiculed.

I’ve been holding/hugging myself for weeks now building more connection. Lying in the silence to observe my body, breathing and any tension noticing that each time my mind would flicker onto something it was alerting me to some body sensation that had gone unnoticed previously. My body has become like butter I didn’t realise all the tension, trauma and fear I was still holding onto.

I’ve really sat down and felt into how much life, trauma, mirrors, animals have taught me over the past year, I’m so grateful because ultimately it’s all made me so strong and stripped me into authentic, naked, vulnerability – my truth.

My disconnection to self has allowed deeper connection not only to myself but others too and a deeper compassion all of which has manifested in me having really healthy relationships. I’ve been listening more and I realise that the answers lie in listening rather than talking all the time (this will be a relief for many).

At this present moment in time I have no idea where I am going next, what I am going to do, I don’t even really know who I am and once again with shifting so much and changing so many patterns, many friends and I have vibrationally slipped away.

I truly am loving getting to know myself on a much deeper level and in this getting to know others on a much deeper level too.

Truth is you never know how much you’re holding onto until you decide to release control, that’s what I’ve found anyway.

This journey truly teaches you to become bare, true, authentic and kind. It may be hard at times but it’s so very worth it to just see myself and others and see both sides without judgement. To create from a place of inspiration saying yes to all I love and no to all that’s not a huge yes!

I don’t smile all the time and I don’t have to. This is me raw, naked, messy and real.

ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

THANK YOU FOR THE GIFT OF LIFE.

A letter to my parents.

We may have been through turbulent tides, deep muddy waters, raging fires, devilish winds, brutal storms and destructive earthly faults.

You’ve seen me tortured, brutally broken, destroying myself and horrendously numb. At times you couldn’t face the torment and pain so you fled the raging fires to escape the destruction, I understand.

I see why all of this happened now, release the pain, the blame, the guilt we all did the best we could. Look at how it’s helped me become all that I am, all that we are.

At times I walked away from you, needing the space to breathe. To learn how to face my wounds, to acknowledge my shadows and face them directly through you, my mirrors.

At times as parents we can feel deep guilt, pain, anger, shame. Our pain can become our child’s and vice versa, none intentional. I feel such compassion, understanding and love, I too have felt this way with my children.

I understand when I speak my truth, it may not be the same as you saw life, our perceptions may differ but I am truly grateful that I now can speak my truth without fear, judgement and rejection.

I know you may not understand fully why I express my truth but I appreciate that you support me in doing so.

I do remember the great times we have shared and the wonderful things you have both done for me, at times placing me before your needs. I hope you know this as I don’t say it too often, I do remember, I do care and I do love you.

I hope that when you read my words, see my creations, expressions and truth you feel blissful in the awareness that you taught me; strength, to follow my heart, my path of no path, my stubborn steely determination, compassion, love, peace and equality. You taught me to become authentically me, truthful, respectful and how to have incredible relationships and connection with others.

I hope when you look into my eyes you see the truth of you.

All the tears, pain, destruction, pushing, pulling, parting, laughter, joy, parties, plans and memories, led us to this moment here.

In this moment I want you to know from my heart how grateful I am for ALL of life, my very alive life. Thank you for the gift of life, living, freedom and liberty.

I love you without condition.

Thank you for the gift of me.