I understand as I have been each and all in this game of life.
I’ve worn the t-shirt, held a knife.
The blade held upon my arm, to torture myself to cause harm.
The shame, the blame, the guilt, the fear.
I couldn’t love I wore destruction, poured tears.
I wanted to die, I projected pain, I cheated, I lied.
I was Mans Mother’s biggest fear.
I seduced and manipulated, hid the proof.
Worthlessness, pain, the hidden truth.
A victim of torture for most of my life.
Yet also the perpetrator, in this game called life.
So when you look at my light and say, “She’s so bright.”
It’s because I’ve known pain, since childhood.
It birthed my light.
It’s so easy for us to acknowledge the light we hold but today I really want to explore my darkness, I feel it’s time for radical honesty, truth.
In my life I have really been extremely co-dependant, love addicted, obsessed to a point – always wanting what I couldn’t have, it became a challenge. This was to try and hide from my pain, you see when you put your life in the hands of another you don’t really have to take ownership do you. I wasn’t consciously aware of this at the time but I am now. In this co-dependency there had always been so much manipulation to get my own way, to hide from the truth and to deny seeking love elsewhere when the voids weren’t filled any longer.
In my life I have projected pain onto others, lashing out, judging, gossiping, at times quite venomous and apathetic. The constant arguments, the drink fuelled nights to try and numb myself so I didn’t have to truly feel or face reality.
I stayed in extremely unhealthy relationships as I feared being alone, scared to face all I had been told and shown which was that I was not enough, unlovable, thick, fat, bad.
In my life I have been a victim I have been bullied, beaten, raped, used, judged, objectified. I have been punished for things I didn’t do. I have been lied to, denied my truth, left to die. I handed my power and worth over like it didn’t mean a thing because that to me was love.
Long gone are these days but the imprint is still visible, until I speak my truth.
I raped myself through not knowing how to love myself, to be myself, to honour myself.
I take full responsibility for all.
As I merge my shadow and light, my masculine and feminine, I notice that all I was flashes before me. I see it in others, yet I the mirror, the amplifier. I don’t react or judge as I too have been each and all, I do however speak my truth.
It takes a strong person to accept an honest person, someone who isn’t afraid to speak their truth, to say no, to not agree with what is said and be respectful back.
It takes a strong person to admit their faults, their self hatred and uproot all of their wounds. Knowing they will be judged, seen as crazy, unhinged, mentally ill.
It takes a warrior to be naked, raw, vulnerable, to lay bare in the deepest darkness to heal, breathe, live and truly love.
Let us all be strong, let us all be warriors.
For in the darkness, there is pure light.
Through judgement there is understanding.
Through self hate there is the deepest love.
Through honesty, you find truth, respect and worth.
It takes strength to stand in your power and be accountable.
I see I was both victim and perpetrator and everything in-between.
Today I am truth, I won’t deny myself any longer.
I accept all of me.
I’m not perfect, never will be.
I won’t lose myself again.
I shan’t deny myself.
Of this I promise myself.
I just fall deeper and deeper into self love.
Accepting all of me.
A flower opening, to see the sun.