THE MIDDLE WORLD.
On my journey I previously thought and felt I needed to overcome my past, this kept me looped in shame, blame, fear and guilt.
Do things differently, act differently, be more normal, do more, have more.
I sought and sought and sought from others than which I felt I couldn’t give myself.
That which I was never given by those who also couldn’t give it to themselves.
When they couldn’t provide this, I’d feel inadequate and I’d seek more, need more, do more, so busy all the time, lost in my mind.
I realised that there was only me and me only that could fill these many inner wounds, voids, portals.
That was completely after self destructing in many, many ways.
I’d judge myself in such an abusive way that it could only manifest into my life as an external reflection.
A gift to show me, to mirror back to me that which I was doing to myself.
Only then I’d punish myself more, loop in cycles of looking ouside of myself for something, anything to fix me, accept me for being such a bad person, Mother, Friend, Lover.
Looking for a label to identify with as I didn’t know who on earth I was.
I wasn’t allowed to be anyone other than beautiful or ugly, thin or fat, good or bad or an extension of what was considered ok.
I’d dumb myself down and change who I was in every situation to be accepted, this fragmented me further, I was far from home.
My life had taken me to extremes, huge extremes!
In one world I was extremely fragile, lonely, lost, destructive, traumatised, hypersensitive, wreckless, suicidal, self aggressive, angry, unfaithful, self absorbed, paranoid, jealous and I ran and ran.
In another world I was a chaser, numbed out, dependant on alcohol, dissociative, depersonalized, desensitized, trying to fix myself, looking for validation, repressed, petrified, in total denial, fixing others, oversharing, hidden and withdrawn, addicted to anyone who could possibly accept the car crash that I was – “the crazy one.”
Always seeking the invisible man.
One time I was so dissociated I didn’t feel my arm was mine and I felt it needed to be cut off, shit got that scary, so scary.
I’d so truly hearbreakingly rejected myself and my truth that much.
I didn’t know what a boundary was and I feared being shut down each time I tried to speak.
On reflection I realise the only person who could ever accept, love, heal, integrate all of me was me and has been me.
It’s been the most incredible journey inward, inward home.
It wasn’t always that way, I looked to services to assist, I was looped in systems for over 20 years!
They really didn’t understand and I now know that they have honestly been the greatest God sent power in my life as I realise nothing external to me can ever, ever give me what I needed, which was and is me.
They could never help, they tried with the resources they had which was a circle not a spiral, a never ending loop.
This journey, experience, life, I realise now has not been push or pull I thought it was yet the return of what I sent out to my existence.
An experience of it’s infinite return.
It’s the wholeness of the door opening and closing both at the same time and the breeze that is received when the door is equally opened yet closed.
When life isn’t black nor white, it’s colour.
When things aren’t good or bad they just are and it just is.
When you’re not in the cosmos nor deep in the dirt yet you’re equally connected as both, you are the embodiment of the stars, the roots and the inwards and outwards breath of the air.
The middle world.
Where life is found.
Your self is lost.
And your heart is your home.
I always get lost there.
Lost yet found.