ascension, life, musings, rebirth, relationships, spirituality, Trauma

WHO AM I? WHERE AM I? WHY CAN’T I HEAL?

So we’re taught in so many ways to look outside of ourselves.

We feel we need to be, do and have more because of this falsified system, hierarchy of who is better, richer, stronger, wiser. Ultimately we are all body, bone, blood – no more nor less.

To be educated we must go to school or have teachers in the form of a heirarchal system. That’s so interesting when we look at the word university – UNIVERSE CITY our teachings are all around us but are we choosing to see them or are we too caught up in trying to find who we are?

Our outer reality is a projection of our inner reality!

I have a cat, Stanley there are many other cats that live locally yet they choose to come into my yard and they teach me so much, they truly are masters and they don’t need the cap and gown or a certificate to prove it.

So these three cats have been at logger heads. Stanley is well balanced he’s like a little Buddha, one is very needy and can give love longs for love but in that pushes love away as it becomes smothering to others and the other one has been quite traumatized and it’s like a cat version of a knife wielding cactus, it terrorises the other two cats and fears receiving love yet yearns to be accepted. All very beautiful in there own way and most definitely relate to aspects of myself.

The division between this triad of cats was very prominent yet it’s taken me several months to actually figure out and see the truth of that in which I was being shown.

One beautiful event involved me standing bare foot in cat poo just as I was about to lose my temper about the chaos the cat was causing, I so brought that into my reality. I just stood in someone else’s shit, so gross yet it definitely stopped me in my tracks of which I was very grateful.

So I’ve been through a lot of trauma and I really truly have had the biggest adventure of learning to heal multiple traumas and learning to trust and love myself.

Most recently I had been doing work on myself to integrate past traumatic events. So basically if I saw myself at that moment in time of a specific event – what did I need, what did I want, what did I need to tell myself. Then I would do these things, nurture myself, love myself and welcome that part back home as such. Only unconsciously this was causing more division within me as I basically wanted to call myself back to bring myself out of disharmony as oppose to accepting what had occured and having gratitude for the lessons at that time thus denying that part of me. It has taught me radical, deep self love since.

The cats were basically mirroring how I felt about myself. I was in constant conflict of all these different shadow, rejected aspects of self; “The needy one” “The raging one” “The constantly drunk one” all just wanting to be “The peaceful one.” In wanting the peace and rejecting the other parts,

“I’m so glad I’m not like that anymore,”

I was actually rejecting and fragmenting myself furthermore causing more inner conflict thus outer conflict. I was so very disconnected from myself, life and others. I was consciously aware that I didn’t want to numb, deny or fill these empty parts with obsessions or addictions yet felt so truly at war within which caused a constant loop in which brought up feelings of abandonment, powerlessness, not being enough and fundamentally having something seriously wrong with me.

The cats taught me, they showed me as I sat outside and it all just appeared, unfolded, came together before my eyes.

I was whole, I was searching for something that didn’t exist. I was trying to “fix, find, discover” something that didnt exist, the invisible. We cant see the invisible so in this we’re constantly stuck in a loop.

All of me had brought me to this point in life; all aspects, all traumas, all versions, shadow, light, all lessons and in that moment I fell deeply in love with every single part, facet, colour of me as there was no good and bad, right or wrong, I just was and who I am is more than enough. It was in this moment I broke and I realised in trying to heal myself I was actually harming myself.

There was never anything to fix about myself, there was never another person to make me whole, a dream job, a dream partner, the perfect parents. I was everything, I am everything and I have everything. I was the home I had always so desperately searched for, the peace, the love, the wholeness, the balance, the confusion, the chaos, the passion, it was all me.

In that moment I become one.

My outer world reflected my inner world.

I became a master, a master of self.

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