I awoke to numbness.
Feeling that I need to cry yet don’t know how to.
Shock, powerlessness, a ball of tightly coiled string tugging war within my stomach.
A bright yellow toxic acid raging between my heart and throat wanting to escape yet it lies there eating me away.
My body shaking yet limp, powerless.
I feel deeper, sinking into self, into the depth of the sensations or lack of.
I breathe life into this numbness, this nothingness, this shell.
Remaining present yet wanting to escape to fly out of my body, somewhere, anywhere else but here.
I lay in the silence, the nothingness, an eerie void cradling my entire body.
I ask my inner self “What do you need to know?”
A thought appears – I AM SO SCARED.
Each trauma flashes before my eyes.
Feelers deeper, sinking deeper, my hands burning trying to melt my ice cold vessel.
I ask, “What can I do to help?”
I see a past version of me, she looks at me in despair.
Many versions of me flash before my eyes, the same pained expression that of torture, raw emptiness, desperation.
I hear “I don’t know!”
I feel deeper into the confusion, terror, fright, dissonance and disbelief.
Further immersing into breath, sounds, smells, sights, textures, tastes.
Embracing each sensation as you would nurture a new born baby, cradled at the chest of it’s Mother soothed by her beating heart.
Deeper, deeper, shaking, feeling so sick. Heat flooding my entire body – is it hot or is it cold, sweat.
Really wanting to escape, dissociate, forget.
I affirm , “You are safe, we are safe, it wasn’t your fault.”
Breathing into the confusion, the pain, each cell of my body.
Reaffirming “You are safe.”
My heart literally protected by a cage of ice, slowly dissolving drip, drip, drip.
Through acceptance emergence, immersed with such heat within.
Such radiance, such love, such purity.
My inner child looks at me with such a confused, saddened expression,
“Then why me, why did they do it?”
I say dear one, for once they were hurting to.
Feeling ashamed they pushed down their feelings till they were numb, lifeless, yet highly volatile.
Underneath it all lay a terrified child just begging for love.
We looked deeply, softly, lovingly into each others eyes.
Knowing then as we merged together, we were so powerful, liberated and filled with love not fear.