relationships, Trauma

Numbed by default.

I grieved for you last night, I delved deeply in the numbness and denial that I created.

The denial, the numbness I clung to so I could be strong for everyone else because I couldn’t be seen to be weak, sensitive or real.

It’s 20 years since you left my life, the only person I felt understood me. The one who loved me as a child for all of me. The one who didn’t try to change me and accepted me exactly how I was. My rock, my saviour, my stability and my teacher.

I poured the tears of a vast ocean last night, I cried in terror deep from the pit of my stomach, I wanted to scream and felt such anger boiling through my veins. Such pain, such destruction, such fear. Why did you leave me you were all I felt I had – a broken record repeating in my ever haunted mind.

I mourned for you last night and I mourned for myself because when you left my life, I left my own life. My body lifeless and numb, I didn’t know how to breathe, how to be, how to cope, to feel. I lost my sanctuary and I felt so lost, afraid and alone.

I drank tea today. You used to make the best tea. Fresh from the pot with tea leaves. I’ve avoided tea since you left. I used to bake with you every day and I always wondered why you never ate any of your baking. Nobody could ever bake like you but my daughter she bakes and she reminds me of you so much.

When you left I felt like my whole world collapsed, I felt I could never love again and I deserved to be punished as I couldn’t bare seeing you in hospital lying in your bed so I didn’t see you, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I was told I was selfish and held all that pain guilt and shame until last night. Ravaged, lost, tortured lost in a war of my own body and mind, hating myself so very deeply.

I cried the tears of a vast ocean last night and awoke to feelings that maybe I could love again. I could release the chase, the escape, the push, the pull and the need for control.

I had a wave of certainty this morning that I was loveable and could love again without getting lost.

Always in my heart and forever by my side. I love you. ❤

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