You are such a lovely girl why do you always attract these types of relationships, is there something wrong with you?
Well I am here to blow the roof off how I used to feel regarding toxic relationships and explain to you why in my eyes these relationships occur in the first place.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the ugliest of them all.”
Oh well of course that used to be me! Growing up I was severely tormented and shamed regarding my adult looking body. Approximately aged 9 I had developed breasts and hips and I had a very womanly figure, as I went to high school this only escalated furthermore and I was bullied a great deal. I remember being on diets age 13, exercising way too much or not at all, literally breaking down crying in the mirror each time I looked in it, I really did think I was so big, worthless and really ugly. I did not fit in anywhere and I was really mocked for my sensitivity. I was left feeling like there was something seriously wrong with me and this led me to look for love outside of myself.
Age 18 I found out I was pregnant and it was definitely a shock to my system, on the pill at the time I thought there had been a mistake but no there was no mistake I was pregnant. This proved to be an experience that affected my body even more so, stretch marks, saggy boobs, I even assessed my under carriage as being unfit and the irony of this as I’d had an emergency c/section.
The boys I was in relationships with didn’t really treat me very well nor did the men…..HOLD UP! (I’ll come back to this). So time went on and my relationship to self got poorer and poorer I longed to be “fixed” by cosmetic surgery and trust me I would not have stopped if that had ever started. The relationships I was in were very toxic – I wonder why that was? Lots of trauma, lots of abuse, lots of alcohol, self harm, suicide attempts, you name it, I hated myself enough to do it. Round and around in these looped circles and cycles, I would get out of one then throw myself into another and it got worse and worse, I truly was a victim.
The beauty that I am.
I never used to see.
A torment of disgust.
Warring within me.
A blade that slashed my flesh.
A barrage of wounding words.
Mirrored by those who treated me poorly.
I rejected my pain – truth unheard.
Projected guilt and shame.
Ate away at me.
I numbed myself with alcohol.
Self corrosion and destruction,
as clear as day to see.
Left begging on my knees in pain.
Just before I took my life.
I surrendered all to the universe.
On that day, I was handed LIFE.
February 2nd 2016 I literally got on my knees crying, bawling just a complete and utter shell, drinking to numb the pain yet my body rejecting the alcohol, I had two choices death or life. I begged, screamed, surrendered and prayed for help, I couldn’t do this by myself, I seriously could not take this anymore I was dead yet I walked around barely alive. From that day forward I never looked back, little by little I grew and I lost a lot of people, places and things. I worked hard on noticing my destructive patterns but yet I still could not move forward in myself as a part of the relationship I was in, so I decided I needed to do it alone. I found that being single was the best decision I ever made and from this I realised I was so very co-dependant. I attracted these people into my life as they were a mirror in so very many ways and ultimately they really did help me and for that I am truly grateful. I discovered they mirrored the way I treated and felt about myself. Equally in these types of relationship I discovered that we triggered the unhealed traumas both I and they had dismissed throughout our lives. That is the point of attraction and destruction in an abusive relationship, two unhealed parties denying their truth, denying their shadow sides which are ultimately shown outwardly in their partners light side and vice versa. It took me a long time to see the truth and a lot of heartache, arguments, rejection, obsessions, loop patterns, traumas, denial, alcohol abuse and a lot of harm to myself. All hidden by a beautiful smile, people pleasing and very visible eyes, of the living dead. Ultimately the shift came when I took back my power by taking ownership of my life and my part in its destruction.
The photo below is me today honouring my beauty within and without, zero make up, no filter, just purely a flash and a photo taken on my phone. I have worn make up every day since I was 12 years old, so this for me is now an extremely wonderful, liberating experience. Each and every day I show myself as much love and nurturing as I possibly can. Each day for the past 2 years I have learned to be kinder to myself, to honour myself, to find out who I am, to forgive myself and to strip my being of my conditioned ways. I have learnt so very much about myself and the most difficult one had been “the art of letting go.” Some people aren’t meant to be in our lives forever they are just here to teach us what we need to grow and I realise that now, I see this now. I’ve arrived at a point in time were I do not need a relationship nor another to make me happy. When the right person comes along I do know that I am in a place where I can love not destroy nor lose myself. How do I know this? I do not need to ask outside of myself, I can communicate clearly, my emotions are not in control, I reflect and look at the higher perspective in life, I accept myself and others and do not need or desire to change them and I do not strive for perfection. I am so grateful that all of my close relationships are extremely healthy and my relationship to self is my focal point. I love the person I now am; the real me, the lady who is true to herself, who does not conform to a specific way of being, the fearless one who accepts herself totally and fully shadow and light combined – I am whole and I know what I desire and who I am and I will not dim my light for anyone else.
If you too can relate to any of this, please do know it can all change for the better if only you make that choice to jump out of the loop.
I have not created the person I am! I stripped myself bare of what I was not and continue to discover that which fuels my creative passion.
This to me is the art of living and loving life.
As always with love,