Here she is!
When I was born into this beautiful world, I was created in the eye of perfection. A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness. Captivated by all I encounter. Every sense stimulated, engaged, such wonder and excitement.
As time passed these wonders deteriorated, diminished. The senses lost their original edge at some point in time becoming over and under stimulated. Each word, opinion, view, belief held within the body and mind. Each experience altering our natural states of existence. Each relationship paving the way for the next; lessons to be uncovered, or avoided. The good, the bad and the ugly. Truths exposed within and without. A way of making or breaking you, strengthening you, uniting you or separating you further. Things that once seemed such fun and exciting now fill you with apprehension, doubt, fear and dread. The nurturing yet clouded love of another shaping your current and future reality. Do they intentionally impose their way of being onto you. Do they pass on their beliefs, coping, avoidance, ideals and rules to harm you, to punish you? Of course they only know what they too were taught as once upon a time they too were, “A joyous, illuminated bundle of love and wholeness.”
As I exploded into this world I wasn’t looking at my weight, my shape, my cellulite, my deficits, your deficits or debating which goals I should set so I could pull myself to pieces to achieve or unconsciously sabotage my progress. No these most definitely were not apparent within my little, cute existence of babydom.
Years pass by, the trauma, the terror, the torture, the pain – Ravage my body, my mind, my senses, my inner and outer universe. Senses so hyperaroused that I fear the slightest thing that enhances them, fearing myself and life itself and all that is. I conclude that there is something seriously wrong with me, there must be, I’ve been told this the entirety of my existence thus far. I find ways to torture myself, to numb the pain, to deny, to reject, to hide, to deceive not only in the face of another but within myself. I am so coherent, passive yet at times so very reactive. I found myself doing all I could to please another, to hide this ugliness that I am, this evil person birthed into this world. Trying to control anything that’s safe to do so, to minimise triggers, pain and explosive behaviours.
Trauma, more trauma, countless traumas, always me, why me? I must deserve this! Boom! My body screams no more, no more it shuts down I feel the switch from hyper arousal to hypo arousal, my body screams in a voice unheard but definitely felt. The collapse of my body systems, senses, emotions. Ravaged by it’s own protective mechanisms, the hormones like poison to the vessel and all its components. The numbness, the nothingness, the exhaustion, the shell of a body that can even function enough to move a finger. How could life do this to me? “The victimhood.”
The comeback, the rise! As I observe I am non reactive, a thought pattern concurs; What if I unlearn all I have ever been taught, everything I have developed to cope, learn to slow down and learn to love myself.
Life does not punish us, we punish ourselves! Feel into that “We punish ourselves.” How does that feel. I know that my life has displayed the law of cause and effect perfectly, at it’s finest I’d say.
As I reflect and observe upon each trauma, I see my truth, my reality. I see the multitude of gifts they brought into my life. I see the beauty of the cycle of life, the wheel, the seasons, death, rebirth, the lessons, the growth, the despair the fun, the colour, “The experience.”
As I lay here, a naked soul.
The reality of another.
I am a little bundle of joy, love and light.
Captivated by all.
Senses stimulated, engaged.
Such wonder, excitement,
I love myself – unique, perfectly imperfect.
At this moment not only am I reborn,
I am love without condition.