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Do you see me yet?

I woke up this morning overwhelmed by feelings of judgement, defensiveness, helplessness, unworthiness and the emptiness that stems from deep depths of the dreaded inner void. I quickly realised this was a trauma, an event, something ready to be released. What exactly were my dreams trying to tell me last night about my childhood and the patterns that have followed on from this? As I lay there in bed, I placed my hands on my heart and asked myself this very question, “What is ready to be acknowledged and what are these feelings showing me?”

DO YOU SEE ME YET?

I’m twirling, I’m whirling,
I sing and I dance, I’m beaming a smile.
Look Mummy, Daddy, look!
Mummy, Daddy, please look!
I’m studying, I’m learning,
I’m acing theses tests.
Look Mum and Dad, please look!
Do you see me yet?
I’m exercising, I’m dieting,
I’m too fat, I’m not thin.
I find comfort in boys,
there’s no love within.
Do you see me yet?
I’m being bullied and beat, I can’t stand on my feet,
I’ve been raped and abused and totally used,
I need you, I need you!
Please can I see you yet?
I’m depressed, so low,
drink a bottle as I go, self harming,
more traumas, so used and abused.
I look at my reflection, I’m far from amused.
The reflection I see, who is this? Not me!
Who am I? Who is this I see?
Do you see me yet?
At the pit of defeat, I rise to my feet,
Should I stay or go,
One more try and I’ll know.
The warrior returns, she walks and she burns,
the layers of fear, the addictions that lived here.
The self hate and the shame,
the torment and the blame,
no longer reside as I’m on my own side.
As I look in the mirror, there’s a beauty I see,
I’m taken aback,
WOW that’s me!
Still you don’t see me yet!

Even though I had conquered the shame, blame, guilt, projection, pain, self hate, co-dependency, addictions, obsessions, bad relationships and the need to hold on to people to my own detriment, I knew something hadn’t cleared. I knew not being seen, heard or feeling supported and loved was the root cause of my pain, it had been obvious for some time and the denial from people who had hurt me really did not help. The inner void had cleared to due to discovering myself, nurturing myself and building on the love of self which I had worked so hard to embrace and connect to but still something. My mind wandered to this;

Yesterday I read a quote by Gabor Mate.

“As a rule whatever we don’t deal with in our lives, we pass on to our children. Our unfinished emotional business becomes theirs. As a therapist said to me.

” Children swim in their parents unconscious like fish swim in their sea.”

It became so very clear! I hadn’t forgiven myself for my mistakes, my self judgement and self harm or truly acknowledged just how far I had come. In that forgiveness of self I realised I too had forgiven my parents and those who had abused me, they didn’t mean to hurt me, they were blissfully unaware of their impact as this was not how they viewed my life as they too were hurting. I also realised I didn’t need validation from anyone other than myself and that this is my truth, my raw naked, vulnerable truth and in that moment I felt so liberated, so free. The emotions and the lack dissolved and I was embraced with pure love and ready to discover the next layer in the unfoldment of the rose.

 

 

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